camomilethoughts

Oh Hai-atus.

2011-12-04T04:56:00.001-07:00

So, here is your recap of the last...year? Has it been that long?

Jasper won't sleep.
I'm so tired.
I'm even more tired than before.
Hunter started Kindergarten, OMG.
Sage is in Preschool, finally.
Sage is Highland dancing/ballet, with a great teacher, yay!
Hunter is in Hip-Hop with a teacher who lacks any ability to discipline six 5-7 year old boys, booo.
Tired.
Still not sleeping.
God damn why can't i eat food?

Yeah you can see why blogging wasn't happening. What with every single post devolving into 'me so sleepy!'

2011 is officially going to be known as the year I ~~totally screwed with my diet~~ put in the effort to discover what foods i can eat and why.

If you'll fondly remember January? February? I was trying to stay on a brown rice diet (oh how i laugh now). Well that wasn't really working for me. Although it did clear up Jasper's eczema. So in the early spring i went to someone else who ran IGE allergy tests, and holy shit balls, I triggered many many foods all with pretty major reactions. So then i tried a specific reduction diet (although really it was essentially the brown rice diet again). and...I couldn't make that stick either. Then, then! A friend told me about a master herbalist in the west end, who could not only straighten out my digestion but actually 'fix' my allergies. Well I was sold. SOLD! since the previous prognoses had been...yeah you will never eat eggs again!

And i went and he recommended The Yeast Buster Diet Kit, which should be said with pomp and circumstance, and a bit of superhero echo. I have never done a 'detox/cleanse'. But if you'll remember there was a dangling opportunity to be able to eat things like eggs, or dairy or say...wheat at the end of this endeavor so I dove in rather committed. While reading the booklet that comes with the kit, i was overwhelmed with the propaganda. Of course its not going to be anything less than a 'we so awesome, we fix you problem, yay yah!' And here is where I'm a little ashamed to admit, I totally bought the propaganda. My general skepticism abandoned me for the possibility of egg mcmuffins. Three prong system! Kill the yeast, scrub it from the intestinal walls, collect it neatly and remove it from your body! I was like the yeast buster (brainwashed, over enthusiastic) cheerleader.

And did i pay. Now it may be a great system, it may work very well for some people, it may even work well for most people. This Herbalist really believes in it. Suffice to say it did not work for me.

I don't suppose to say exactly what happened but within three days of beginning the program i was sick. My throat was actually bleeding (Honest! you can ask my GP!), and i was laid out on the couch hardly able to move. Even then I was still committed, Death to Yeast! Experiencing Die-off! It gets worse before it gets better! However as i still had to function somewhat and say...swallow (I hadn't eaten in two days), after determining (through the herbalist) that this was infact NOT POSSIBLY related to the KIT I went to my GP and gratefully went through a round of antibiotics. That was the second week of November.

Because Lo...those McMuffins do motivate me, as soon as i could force fluids past my painful and irritated tonsils I restarted the program. This time with advice to start slow, 1/8 of a dose. So for three days i did that, then 1/4 dose and so on and so on. By the time I hit a full dose, my tonsils freaked out again and this time they were serious. In 48 hours i went from scratchy throat to breathing= fiery pain. ONce again the sight of my tonsils made a GP almost drop the light thing and start chanting: OMG, OMG, OMG. And here we are day 3? of a round of penicillin. Unbelievably the Herbalist still recommends I stay on the program. Since even touching the box the kit is in causes my stomach to turn over and my throat to clench, I've decided to look for salvation elsewhere.

There is an upside to this story.
I have stayed on the 'yeast buster' diet for almost five weeks now. This is by far the most restricted eating plan that I've run into this year and I am inordinately proud of myself for actually sticking to it. This way of eating: No bloat, no emotional mood swings, no stomach pain or cramps. Just smooth happy digestion. Of course this also means no: wheat, dairy, soy, eggs, red meat, pork, fermented products, artificial anything, potatoes, refined flours of any kind, fruit, mushrooms, sugar (of. any. kind. or. quantity.) I've been eating, Millet, Quinoa, Chicken, Fish, and lots and lots of veggies.

I have deviated slightly at times. Generally once a week I'll be overly tempted by something and indulge (one of the kids breaded chicken fingers, a shortbread cookie after four hours of baking). But each of those times I have had to pay dearly for the indulgence. Last night Tyler and I went out for and early anniversary dinner. I ate delicious Prime rib, grilled veggies,apple crisp, spinach salad (with goat cheese, cranberries, and candied walnuts ). Something in there has kept me in the bathroom most of the night, and had me doubled over with cramps. Still worth it, mostly. But I'm so happy i choose that meal instead of the super indulgent one (Bread to start, Baked goat cheese, steak and lobster with butter, chocolate cake for dessert).

The diet as it is now, is not sustainable. I like fruit (!), and things so I go to my naturopathic doctor on Tuesday to (gently!) work on expanding my food choices, and creating a plan to identify precisely whats bothering me and why and to fix at least some of the issues.
Of course from an energetic perspective this is all rather laughable. That I'm running around treating symptoms and not considering an energetic cause. Even the herbalist when confronted with all of the things I react to said " Maybe this has an energetic basis". Because How? and why would a body start rejecting so many different foods? So I have called into action my most spectacular wholistic healing team. I have weekly acupuncture appts, I've been to a reiki session, and of course my lovely naturopath. In addition since it is my throat that is providing the brunt of the resistance (at least severity wise) and we all know throat chakra is about TALKING and saying what you need to say. I'm seeing my therapist again and look here! this blogging thing! Its like talking, or at least expressing myself, right?

There you go...a stomach full :)

Hopefully more to come:
(I have a list of topics sitting beside the computer)

The Sex Talk With Kids/ Tyler Loves Kamloops
Boobies...I seem to have misplaced mine.
Ghosts, yeah...
more on..adventures of Shannon's Digestion!

stay tuned...if you dare.
oh and Have a spectacular Sunday!

september: check.

2011-10-02T21:18:00.000-06:00

Hunter started Kindergarten. He is magnificent. it was completely anticlimactic. I find myself wondering about all the free childcare sometimes. But otherwise it has been a smooth transition. We have learned to get up earlier and get on the road quicker. I already dislike packing lunches but enjoy not being harassed for food every 20 mins throughout the day.

Sage started preschool. Also anticlimactic. She adores it, although I don't think it is exactly what she pictured. Both kids assumed they would walk in with ready made comfortable friends. They have forgotten that at the beginning of preschool everyone was new. Sage also started a highland/ballet class on Mondays. She was again, disappointed that they were doing fundamentals as oppose to attempting the entire fling on the first day. She is with three other girls and her lack of competitiveness shines through as she spends most of the class entertaining her peers or playing with their ponytails. There are no dull moments with Sage.

Jasper is awesome. He doesn't sleep well, but neither did Hunter so...ok. It is completely worth the trad off as he continues to be this easy going ball of chubby pudge. Completely delicious. He now climbs, and is seconds away from walking. He will stand unassisted and seriously thought about taking that first step yesterday, then decided against it. I will miss him crawling, it looks exactly like a bulldogs walk...shoulders and hips moving in opposite planes. He says Dada (gah!), Nana, tata and ( finally) Mama! Yesterday he started pointing at things. I wish i could capture how mellow he is. Its beyond reason. I just feel lucky to have him, to be near him. He is a gift.

Hi!

2011-09-14T11:52:00.001-06:00

Ahhhhhhhhh, we (Tyler) got the bulk of the fall/ regular house maintenance done, even the stuff we have been ignoring over the summer. And I've been able to catch up on some of my sleep. YAY!

Last night Tyler and I went on a date, the first since the spring! It was most excellent.

And it has been really wonderful having him home for this long. Two weeks!
The kids are flourishing with him here. For the first time I can remember Hunter is all about Dad. Can I go with Dad? Can Dad drive me? Can Dad take me chicken hunting? Can Dad take me to kindergarten? I knew they missed him but I'm glad now he can see how much.

It feels....indulgent. So much amazing family time. I'm really happy he was able to switch to a different schedule. This shift home has been huge, Sage to preschool, Hunter to kindergarten, Sage started dance. Up again and out the door at a certain time. The shift has been smooth because Tyler was here. We would have muddled though fine but with him here it was natural.

Ok...off to really enjoy the next four days, four more days!
S

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Again with the lack of sleep

2011-09-12T01:23:00.001-06:00

Omg.
I'm so tired.
Jasper is gassy ( yeast? Gluten? Wheat?).
Jasper is teething.
Jasper is not sleeping.
Checking the archives to see when Hunter started sleeping through the night, was a bad idea. (18-22 months)
Tyler is home which is amazing and wonderful, except it also means I cannot let Jasper cry in his crib (also our bedroom).
I am at the point of over tired when I cannot get my brain to slow down when I do get a chance to sleep.
I'm not good when I'm this tired. Snappy, angry, irrational.
I cannot seem to emphasize to Tyler how tired I am. "nap? You don't need a nap."
Some small part of my brain knows this will pass: hunter sleeps through the night.
But the larger part is trapped in the fear that this is never going to end. I will never get out of this fatigue fog, and that is a really terrifying thought.
Jesus, I'm tired.
S

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPa

like a marshmallow that fell into the fire.

2011-09-05T21:50:00.001-06:00

I'm a little burnt out.

It was a wonderful thing that tyler was able to come with us to Ontario early in the summer. But in 70 days since then, hes been home for 12 days 3 of which we left the house at 7pm to drive him back to the airport. 4 of the remaining days were at family gatherings.

I have no idea how single parents do this.

I consider myself a fairly tolerant person. I love my kids and have decent sized ability to play games/listen to made up stories/ pretty much parent responsibility. But the last three days? I'm beyond empty. I cannot get through one more Sage monologue, generally i find them charming. If Hunter looks at me and whines 'I dont' have anybody to play with me, why wont you play with me?' I may give in to the darker responses that have been surfacing as of late. They are not pretty. Jasper is like this cherubic ray of sunshine, honest to god.

Hell tonight i used the excuse of picking Tyler up from the airport at midnight to justify a 6:45pm bedtime for Hunter. Usually its closer to nine. Of course it didn't actually happened he stayed up crying until much later than 6:45, but at least the crying was in his room and i didn't have to bite my tongue or fake compassion.

And they know it. They know i'm frazzled. They are sick of dealing with me. so its an ugly downward spiral. Today was about...a toy. A Mack truck Hunter wanted. Usually it would have been a short conversation but i didn't take the high road, i engaged and hell it exploded all over the place. In addition to that fun Jasper is...teething? Growing? I dont' know he wants to be held, all the time. So Mommy's already overwrought patience is that much thinner. Sage is heartbreakingly compensating by insisting she is a baby. (I get it, baby getting more attention, delayed new sibling reaction, roll with it and it will dissapate on its own.)

Usually i would deal with this is a compassionate mature manner, understanding the needs im not filling for her and blah. blah, blah. But at this specific moment in my parenting journey, it is met with apathy and irritation. Which is why she is right now sleeping in a playpen in her room, and eating some meals in the high chair. I drew the line, loudly and with a harsh tone about the diapers. Thinking i had at least stood my ground on that one, i was blindsided tongiht. I was giving Jasper a bath and Sage came in to use the toilet forgetting she had SECRETLY put a diaper on (and not one of her left over princess pullups, this was a full on huggies size 5) busted.

I just stared at her dumbfounded. I tried to pull the horrified, pissed off panicked look off my face but it was hopeless. I at least managed to consider if it was worth freaking out about before responding.

Shannons initial (internal!) response:
What do you think you are doing? this baby stuff has gone far enough. NO more diapers, no more playpen, no more high chair. GROW UP. you were in such a rush to do it in the first place, ripping your diaper off the minute you were in bed. WTF? You are not going to Preschool in a diaper, do you want me to cancel preschool? AND DANCE? it went on .

fortunately it was in my head. Although now i think she was likely looking for boundaries and maybe walking a line between the initial inner dialogue and complete apathy would have been a better way to go. Sigh. Oh and because I couldn't sleep unless I added this: I never talk to my children like that. Really. I am a little horrified that it ran through my head. It drove home how very much i need a break.

Really about Jasper.....sunshine, rainbows, and giggles. If there is such a thing as a zen baby, I have him, and im never letting him go.

With great relief, in an hour i will wake the kids up, strap them into the van and go pick up Tyler. I may pass out at that point and remain unconscious for the next 14 days. Kidney stones, you never get them when you want two days on morphine in a bed. (JOKING!)

To end this buoyant bubbly post on a high note. Jasper is sleeping much better, everyone is sleeping pretty ok. I only get up twice most nights. So that has been a wonderful development. Jasper thinks Hunter is the funniest person on the planet, his belly laughs fill the house. Sage and Hunter are both excited to start school. They start on Friday. Sage with her regularly scheduled two hours every friday and Hunter with an afternoon of staggered entry, only five other kids will be there. The next week Hunter is in full days 2 days a week, and a third every second week. Sage also has Dance starting Monday. I found a highland/ballet for 3 year olds. Maybe almost makes up for my behaviour as of late. Im also suppose to be registering Hunter in a sport but my schedule is already freaking me out, so I'm dragging my feet. Plus i think he is going to be so, ~~overwhelmed~~ immersed in school that it would be ok to wait until he has adjusted to the kindergarten schedule before throwing another new! fun! thing at him. He stopped napping every afternoon in the last four weeks. Better pack a damn good lunch for him.

YES! Tyler just called and hopped onto an earlier flight. YAY! goodbye.

S

Down the Rabbit Hole...

2011-08-22T16:56:00.001-06:00

Lately I have been pushing Tyler to share things about himself with other people. Things that he didn't initially feel comfortable sharing for fear of how people would view him. I may not have been super compassionate, believing completely that sharing would strengthen his support network and level of self acceptance. I believed that the reaction would not be negative and would allow him to feel more comfortable around the people who were close to him, and in his own skin. Owning all of his personality not just parts.

Imagine my surprise when he turned the tables and accused me of doing the exact same thing! But people will think i'm crazy! Nobody will understand! People won't like me! They won't believe me! There i was, parroting all of his arguments.

Now clearly the Internet is a different venue than family or close friends. A vastly different venue. However as an odd quirk of my nature I am more comfortable on here than in direct face to face communication, with most people. If you think I'm crazy because of something you read here you can 1) Stop reading and having any contact with me or 2) Pretend you didn't read it. Nice and easy. No controlling your shocked expression, I can't even tell if you stand up and run away from you computer screaming. So....here it goes.

I'm psychic, or a witch, or empathic or something.

I can channel spirits (though i try not to until i get some actual training), I can usually tell what you are feeling. Not YOU. But if we are in the same room, or i'm talking to you, I can generally get a feel for your mindset. For example...if you are lying or hiding something...i generally don't know what it is, but you can be pretty sure i know there is something you are not sharing. I pick up pretty easily on peoples energies, (which gives me a good guide into their mindset/emotional state). Unfortunately im' still learning to let go of other peoples moods, if Tyler is anxious or worked up...it takes a huge effort on my part to not get sucked into that. I can pick up on past lives, and sometimes project goals and big picture ideas for this life. Umm...yeah there is probably more but i can't think of it right now.

Which brings me to my actual point. All the other stuff...its not 'normal' normal, but if you hang out with psychicesque people, its not completely abnormal. Hell there are tv shows about mediums, and psychic hot lines and shit, so while some people call bullshit, there is a pretty large contingent who accept these abilities.

Now...here is where the psychics start thinking i've gone off the deep end....

I knew Jasper energetically before he was born, before I was even pregnant with him. He showed up mid december, and sort of hung out. But not in a freaky, door slamming lights turning on, upsetting way. I thought i was losing my mind because i was having all these pregnancy symptoms, sometimes not even early pregnancy symptoms. Tyler and I were on the fence about a third child, so i was...ahem, not trying to get pregnant. I would wake in the middle of the night rubbing my 8 month pregnant stomach, only to realize not only was there no 8 month stomach, I wasn't pregnant. I took countless pregnancy tests, trying to find a reason i was so convinced i was pregnant. Trying to find a rational reason I was so convinced i was pregnant. By the end of January (and after a conclusively negative blood test) I was at my wits end and convinced i was losing my mind. I felt pregnant in a way i hadn't with the other two...but biologically, scientifically I was definitely not pregnant.

There were markers of me being an empath in my teenager years, but i didn't recognize them. I had no idea or desire to be psychic, or channel or any of it. Infact while i was recovering from the ppd I went to a meditation studio to find a way to calm my mind. I went to find peace and calm. I'm grateful for the man and woman who ran that studio because they helped me (are still helping) me understand and adjust to being this me. Everything 'opened up' (as they say) after Sages birth, after the ppd. Despite many unexpected experiences, and 'crazy' things happening in that time nothing made me think i was out of my mind. Whether it was the ability to deny it all, or the ease with which i could walk away from it. I felt ok because it was just this thing that i did sometimes and well maybe it wasn't really happening anyway. The experience with Jasper was completely different, it wasn't a vision or a dream (though both of those things happened as well) it was physical sensations, a baby shifting in utero, a tendency to unconsciously hold my abdomen. My body was getting on this train that my mind had been on for awhile. And while i could deny dreams or visions or mental experiences, the physical sensations, the pure conviction of what was happening was undeniable.

So i asked questions. I asked the man and woman who ran the studio, they guessed but nothing resonated, nothing they said felt right to me. Its funny once I started down this road i found myself surrounded by people who were open and supportive, most even had similar gifts. So I asked my acupuncturist. Who before i said anything looked at me (In early January) and said 'are you pregnant?' I broke down into tears because i was so relieved i wasn't the only one who got it. She gave me (what is now) and uncanny description of Jasper's personality. I asked my naturopath, who visibly shivered then parroted the description I felt and the acupuncturist had supplied; easy going, happy, a zen baby, he's just hanging out, cant wait to be part of the family.

Of course nothing is 100%, there was a consensus that i wouldn't be physically pregnant until May, in reality the blood test i took at the end of January (another not pregnant!) was the last negative one i took. I was pregnant by the middle of February. Oddly enough I had completely accepted the May guideline. I was as shocked as anybody when in mid march (and at Canyon Ranch with my mother sister and aunt) I started having pregnancy symptoms (emotional! curly hair! barfing on plane!). I was so unconvinced i waited a few days after getting home to even do a test. It was March, not May. So just remember nothing is 100% especially when time lines are involved.

I wish i could convey what it felt like to know Jasper before knowing him. His energy was the same, as a visitor, in utero and now. It wasn't that i 'got to know him' as an energy/spirit, but i recognized him. I recognized him immediately as someone i adored. You know that feeling when you see someone and you feel like you know them, you feel a connection? Even though in this lifetime you haven't known them....it was sort of like that but really intense. I loved him like i love Hunter and Sage, instantly and completely.

So there you go...I'm out. Please no broomsticks for christmas presents this year.

a beautiful moment and an amendment.

2011-08-11T23:36:00.000-06:00

I want to clarify something from the previous post, i didn't give any background to the 'switching to formula' comment and i realized after i posted that without the background there are many ways it could be taken. My sister, along with the medical community, recommend infants have breast milk or formula until 9-12 months. I have been talking about weaning jasper for awhile, especially since any trace amount of egg in the breastmilk causes his eczema to flair up, and i'm a) still learning and b) sometimes slip up and eat egg. So the discussion has been what to switch him to. So it wasn't that she was arguing that i should switch from breast milk to formula, but rather that after weaning him switching to formula was her suggestion (again, one supported by the entire medical community).
fin.

And i had an amazing moment today.

I spend alot of parenting energy talking to the kids about their emotions and helping them name them and recognize them and express them in a productive way. I was going to move onto recognizing/receiving and blocking other peoples emotions when we had gained some ground on the first part. Tall order for a 5 and 3 year old, right?

I am empathic and in varying degrees both of the older kids inherited that. Hunter got a big, big slice. I once saw him start crying in response to someone who was in that split second silent moment before the ugly cry. Before she changed her body language or made a sound, Hunter was up crying and running to his room. It took a lot of calming and talking before he could relax.

So we talk about 'letting out' the feelings, about good way and bad ways and i always emphasis any way to let go of the emotions, to express them is better than not, while recognizing that there is a range of ways to do it, and some ways effect other people negatively.

Off my rocker right?

Today i walking into the living room, Sage was crying and Hunter was upset. Then they both calmed down and Hunter said "Sage was letting her sad out by crying at me, and i used my shield to block the sad so i didn't get upset."

OK. First i had not talked to either of them about blocking other peoples energy much less using a shield, the perfect example for Hunter. Second Sage was only crying while releasing the emotion. She was using the technique to feel better.

I have never been so proud of them. Not just because understanding their emotions is a priority for me as a parent, but because they showed such, maturity, a willingness to try new things, and Hunters insight and positive coping strategy for something that is likely to effect him for the rest of his life....it just blew me away. A purely awesome parenting moment.

dear internet.

2011-08-10T09:42:00.001-06:00

Like diary but so much more public.

This is likely to be a bit ranty, sorry for being absent then returning with a rant.

I'm getting sick of pretending to agree with people.

like when someone says:

Its a bad time to get a dog.

or

You definitely shouldn't have any more kids

or anything that starts with or includes the phrase "you couldn't handle"

I feel badly for my support people who hear the brunt of the 'I'm tired/exhausted/overwhelmed'. They must think, shit I don't know what they must think. Tyler also hears those things but he seems to have the confidence (?), the awareness (?) that yes I feel in that moment tired/exhausted/overwhelmed but the moment will pass and in telling people, in sharing that moment I dissipate it, move through it.

I spent the last two weeks? thinking i was pregnant. or at least that there was a high likelihood that I was pregnant. And you know what? Other than one panic filled moment, I was ok. It was ok. Wasn't planned, but ok none the less, it even boarded on good and exciting. So in short: I do not abhor the idea of having another baby. I don't know if I will have another child, maybe/maybe not, but the idea isn't ....distasteful or fearful.

The worst part of this is that I feel there is an expectation that i will be done already, and part of me wants to bow to that. I wanted so badly to bow to that I gave away my maternity clothes (meh that went ok), I tried to give away the baby girl clothes (not good, got them back). I even packed up all my nursing tank tops (panic, tears, put them back), and tried to wean jasper. I choose to do these things because I wanted to fit the expectation. I have refused to say "yes, yes I promise no more babies*" because that's not how I feel. But that seems to be the bravest I can be, to not say something, or not go through with an action. Why can't I just speak my truth, which is: I don't know, Maybe.

(*ok...once i said those words)

Intellectually I understand the argument. How much can I take on? am I reaching a limit? am I beyond a limit? am I willing to risk mothering another child at/on/ or beyond that limit? Really it comes down to what I can handle, or at least what I believe I can handle.

oh! but they are just looking out for me. They just want me to be OK. because I had all these moments, these moments where I was stressed, overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, angry, exhausted, moments that stretched into hours and sometimes (but only rarely) days. Look at all these moments! How could you think you could do any more, when you are barely hanging on as it is.

But I don't think I am barely hanging on, in the grand picture. I think im doing ok, great even. And not just "I'm doing ok with all these conditions"(three kids so close together and a husband who works out of town). Like, I'm doing a really good job parenting these kids, period.

Really though, this isn't about more babies, or a dog or how others view my ability to handle things.

Its about why I need to seek others approval, to get reinforcement, to be heard through those tough times.

Why is my sister's conviction that I should be giving Jasper formula something I cannot put down. Its like this ankle weight that I carry constantly. Feeling the need to justify my decisions. I know what I am doing is right for him and me. I know I am making the right decision with the information I have right now. But despite that, I still have this voice, the power of her conviction, and it nags at me. Makes me question myself. Why do I let it? I wish i had her confidence, instead it leaves me rattled and unsure seeking external reinforcement for my opinions and lots of it. Why?

And again the bravest I can be when faced with that conviction is to say nothing, to acknowledge the information. Why can't I say. "No, formula is wrong for him, I can't give you a solid case because I feel this, its in my bones, I just know." Yeah I can try to explain but at the bottom of my argument is always, because i feel this way is right, because this resonates with me. Which isn't backed up by a study or research, and quite frankly it doesn't make sense to alot of people. But its the way I parent, and so far seems to be working for me.

I don't like the part of me that stays silent. That doesn't speak up or defend or assert or protect. The part that slinks away leaving the impression of compliance, and a bad taste in my mouth. Knowing i've intentionally left the wrong impression

And yet here I am boldly typing away on the Internet. Maybe this counts as a baby step, maybe its just another way to remain silent. Either way it helps me. Helps me to flush out ideas, to think them through from a different perspective.

Thanks for listening internet,
Me.

While I wait...

2011-07-26T02:46:00.001-06:00

It's 2:33am. I'm waiting for Jasper to go back to sleep, he was up for a bottle (!) and is now lulling himself to sleep with a combo...'ahhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh (cough, cough)'.

I am one feeding away from him being completely weaned. On one hand i am looking forward to eating mayo/ dairy without guilt (knowing I'm the only one effected by it). On he other hand I gathered all my nursing tanks, my staple wardrobe item for the last 8 months, and starred choking up a little while moving them out of my closet. I suppose I should just do it, I'm not sure I can sustain enough milk to do only one feeding a day. I just have to stop getting stuck in the 'ok Shannon, this is the last feeding ever, you can do it, stop bawling, of course he isn't a tiny baby any more...go get the bottle, good. Ok now give him the bottle, damn it, stop nursing,'.

I can see how gracefully acknowledging Jasper growing up (letting go) is going to be difficult for me. Kindergarten 2015 I'm looking at you.

Ahhhhhhhhh silence from the crib, good (rest of the night)

Breast: not always best.

2011-07-09T21:33:00.001-06:00

Ha! Did you ever think you'd read that on my blog?

In the last 5 years I have spend a total of 22 months nursing, not that im keeping track. For the most part (first week(s) aside) it has been an awesome experience. I spent a lot of time during the first pregnancy focusing on labour and delivery. Other than the schtick present by the midwives I didnt think about nursing until the midwife suggested I try feeding my super brand new baby. ( riiiight, breastfeeding.)

I was lucky. I had a fantastic health nurse and a really easy time nursing, babe knew what he was doing. That was three babies ago and I haven't looked back. I don't get particularity flared up over anyone else's choices as far as breast or bottle go, had my first week been different i would have happily gone the bottle route. With that said I do get upset when a mom wants to nurse but is pressured/ unsupported/ given false information and other wise chooses to bottle feed not because she wants to or has to but because she lacks support and corrected information.

Anyway the moral here is that I have an answer to Jaspers ezecma. It was my breast milk. Or more accurately the antibodies in the breast milk designed to fight off the evil known as Eggs, and Dairy.

I had my blood work tested, and discovered I have a raging IGG allergy to eggs and dairy and Lima Beans (?).

Apparently (and correct me if I'm wrong here) IGG antibodies cross the placneta so if I ate any eggs while pregnant (ha, ha, ha) (2-3 a day, everyday) some of those antibodies were being stored in the baby I was growing. Good work Mom! Typically it takes 6ish months for the poor innocent newborn to process the Antibodies out of their system, unless you are nursing. In which case I just kept giving him more of the bad bad antibodies.

The best news is that when I stopped eating dairy and eggs...Jaspers face completely cleared up (once we were beyond the 6 month mark). Yay! So. I have an answer which is what i so desperately wanted. We are suppose to keep him away from all eggs and dairy for the next six months to allow his body to completely forget about reacting to those things, then reintroduce them.

and for the doubters...the last three outbreaks, can be directly linked to me eating eggs.

Asleep at the wheel

2011-06-29T17:42:00.002-06:00

Jasper is cutting a new tooth and is not napping well as a result. After eating a generous bowl of peas and applesauce I left him and sage sharing cheerios while I flipped the laundry. This is what I came up to find.

Milestones

2011-06-27T08:58:00.001-06:00

Jasper waved last night , and can now confidently go from his belly into a sitting position. So adorable, he backs up until he essentially climbs over his own leg. Aww.

sun curse

2011-06-20T19:13:00.001-06:00

Day three? Four? Of fantastic family adventure. We are at Moose Lake Lodge, and it is exquisite, all of the best northern Ontario views right out our cabin window. We are Directly on the lake. I am in our cabin, hiding from the sun. Since our honeymoon, (seven years ago) I have been getting a itchy rash on my arms when I'm in the sun. At first it was just on the backs of my hands and my forearms just when I spent a few days in the direct sun. and most often when I was somewhere closer to the equator than I live. ( haha that's most everywhere, isn't it?)

Anyway it has been getting worse and now it seems any amount of sun exposure longer than 10 minutes causes a burn, which if scratched becomes the rash. Before we left I bought an ergo carrier, which Jasper and I both adore. I must have gotten some sun on my shoulders, because directly under where the straps sit is now a raised bumpy, incredibly itchy rash. Fun!

We arrived on Monday and went straight to my grandparents house. After a quick snack we headed out to the Welland Canal to see a ship go through a lock. Something I did frequently when visiting as a kid. The next day was Marineland, which marked the first time we had taken the kids to a theme park of any kind. On the way in Sage announced that Orcas were nearly as big as dad! We effectively corrected that misperception. I was amazed how close we were able to get to the beluga whales. It was cold until lunch, the kids begging for hot chocolate. But warmed up soon after. We watched the Orca show, and the main show (dolphins, and sea lions). The kids rode every ride they were tall enough for. Tyler accompanying them on almost all.

We pet deer, saw bears and elk and hit the souvenir store on the way out, six hours later. On the way back to my Grandparents we drove by the falls so Tyler could see them. The next morning we got up and went back to the falls to walk along the edge and take the obligatory pictures. Back to my grandparents for lunch and out to Lake Erie for a nostalgic visit to our former cottage.

When we pulled down the lane to the lake, I jumped out of the van, leaving husband and children to run to the break wall for the first look of the lake.
There are a lot of things I like about Alberta, but there isnt a lake that can compare to one of the great lakes. We stayed for the afternoon, even scoring a tour through our old cottage. ( it's for sale and a neighbor has a key). The kids had to be dragged out of the lake, and both Tyler and I went swimming as well. I even dunked Jaspers legs, so he got the full Ontario experience. We stopped at DJ's roadhouse for dinner, another nod to nostalgia.

Thursday morning we had breakfast with my grandparents, packed up and hit the road, stopping in oakville for a quick visit with Tyler's cousin. Then it was north to Moose Lake and here we are. Hunter and Sage are in heaven, room to run, water nearby, and both parents with them. Jasper is grateful i am letting him nap in the play pen after the last three days of running around.

We had dinner with my aunt, uncle, cousin and cousin( inlaw?) last night and are expecting a different uncle and his family any minute. Although the pace has slowed down somewhat the kids and Tyler have already been on a hike, and rowed the boat around the island in the middle of the lake. these few stolen moments brought to you by a sleeping Sage and Jasper.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iP

And the universe laughed

2011-05-25T10:20:00.001-06:00

Right along with my mom.

This morning as I dropped Hunter off at preschool my daughter invited herself on a playdate and took off. The other mom did ask me before driving Sage away, and took my number. But my daughter, not a backward glance, not a second thought. Climbed into their suv and strapped herself in. Let's go!

I love that she is so confidant and bold. But i would be lying if i said my heart didnt clench as she marched away without a backwards glance.

So I did what I normally do when my children surprise me, called my mom. Who gently, and with great kindness, reminded me that at the tender age of 4 I accompanied my 16 year old uncles on a cross country flight without a backward glance. Walked through security and on to face the world, holding my uncles hands. Although that may have been to comfort them, as I had more flight experience than they did at the time.

Mom suggested I accept that I will be sitting in the parking lot of the registries place, waiting for it to open, the morning Sage is old enough for her learners permit.

In short Sage will not walk, not run, but throw herself into every new level of independence with (avengence) the same determination and commitment level I did.

Right now I remember that feeling. The thrill of independence, the chafing if limitation ( read: rules to keep me safe). I hope I can hold into that feeling long enough to get us through her teens.

I guess my consolation is that while my daughter may leave me far to quickly, hunter announced this morning that I was to drive him and his new bride around while they sit in the back if the van beside each other. I think he has asked her to move in as well.

Maybe I shouldn't be upset about a little independence.

Yet more lies...

2011-05-23T10:22:00.001-06:00

Lies I tell you, there is an app for everything! Downloaded and testing.

Blogging right, I liked that, didn't I?

2011-05-22T23:28:00.006-06:00

Ok, hi. Forgive the formatting and weird capital letter placement and odd word usage Autocorrect is screwing with me and despite all the hype....there is not an app for this. Blogging: not easier with an IPhone. And I lie in the last paragraph... The poem was ' I shall wear red, with a purple hat...' google makes up for the things lost in my brain.

I have a five year old, three year old and six month old.

It just had to be said.

Have you ever watched one of the weight loss shows? When the person has lost so much weight, but cannot reconcile themselves to their 'new' body. They struggle to accept that their body is actually them? That's kind of how I feel right now, only with my brain. Something clicked for me, something changed and im not the same person. Or maybe I'm the person I used to be? I don't know. It's screwing up most of my relationships. Ok in more positive jargon: it's causing a shift in the way I react to people and situations and therefore creating some disequibrium. God, even writing this seems...grandized and self important.

I don't put up with as much (bullshit) as I used to. From anyone. I don't jump to blame myself for everyone else's problems, moods or issues. Nor do I consider it my job to fix their problems, issues or moods. I do not respond to triggers the same way, which I'm sure is coming as a surprise to many. I don't allow people to treat me with disrespect. I have a whole new definition of disrespect. I have raised my expectations.

A (former) friend of mine was at a breaking point, very stressed out and overwhelmed. She was encouraged to go see a therapist my her GP and was faced with a blunt ( but fairly accurate) assessment of her life/ relationships/shortcomings. This was traumatic for her ( or anyone I'd
imagine). Anyway she came to see me, worked up, emotional, distraught. We talked aBout her options and the recommendations/suggestions the therapist had made. And it was amazing here she was at a crossroads... Faced with a view of her life through fresh eyes, which path was she going to take? The same worn path that was comforting, consistent and predictable? Or try something different... Something that would lead somewhere new?

Did I do the 'right' thing? Did I support her in whatever decision she made? Did I bite my tongue and recognize it's her life and decision?

No.... I broke up with her. ( it wasn't just about this particular decision, btw)

I just couldn't understand how (how?!?) when she was always Functioning so close to the edge, so overwhelmed and stressed. How could she choose the path that led back to more of the same? How could she not choose change.

One of the reasons I reacted so strongly to her decision, was because I was working up to one of my own. Finding my self at a crossroad and faced with the same decision. Had I not watched her make her decision, and felt the quiet manic desperation of her choice, would I have made the same choice. Predictability? Safety? Would I have even seen it for a crossroad?

I'm grateful to her for a number of reasons, she was always better to me than I deserved. And he best friend I've ever had. But for the push to chAnge, the inspiration to take the road less traveled, for thAt I am most grateful.

Here is where I tell you I'm running away from home aNd abandoning my family to persue my oil painting passion. Nah, well ok I am going to Victoria in a week and Ontario in three, but I'm taking various family members with me and always plan on coming home. Sorry nothing that dramatic. I read a poem years ago, I can only remember one line 'when I am an old lady I will wear purple hats' that line has stuck with me. And while I'm not sure why I've waited this long, I'll be damned if I'm waiting another 30 years to wear purple hats.

about a jacket...

2011-04-20T00:15:00.002-06:00

So i turned 30 in march. And it was far less climactic than society would suggest it should be. Tyler and I have considerate and personable tradition of asking, repeatedly for the few weeks leading up to our birthdays: 'wadda ya want?'. Occasionally accompanied by a desperate but dead inside look.

I generally choose something that will make my life easier in the house (read: garberator) or child free time (to make things easier in my head).

This year! Lo this year I was turning 30 and I had an idea! I wanted a spring/fall leather coat. The last leather coat I owned was a blazer which I had in high school, and wore out...literally the lining was ripped to shreds and when I put my arm into it...I would have to be careful to go down the sleeve not into the back.

I'm sort of a wanna be hippy. I aspire to be a hippy. or the modern cross between a yuppie and a hippy. I don't know. The point is that somewhere along the road of organic food, midwives, attachment parenting and alternative medicine following...I decided i was in all the way. Which according to some weird stereotype i've created meant I should be wearing organic bamboo yoga hoodies. Or something like that. And admittedly I do have one of those. But the PETA point is that i was having some trouble reconciling my drive to be a yuppie/hippy, with the whole slaughter of innocent animals to create unbelievably soft, awesomely bad ass leather coats.

Apparently being 30 has allowed me to overcome this conflict.

I have a new coat and I'm so in love with it, words can't describe.

I'm sure i have written before about my lack of shopping...enthusiasm. My overwhelming confusing about loving shoes/purses/whatever. All of that stops when it comes to coats. Lovely beautiful coats. And now i have a new badass coat, and it makes me want to do other things...like...get a haircut. And gasp...make an effort with my hair. Like, with product! Also I was out yesterday and found a necklace which i would have admired before but seeing it while wearing my new coat ...it was perfect...IT TOTALLY WENT WITH MY COAT.

Before we all call Tyler to alert him to my new spending habits...

The coat is just a thing that's helping me bridge a tremulous feeling time in my life. When i had Hunter I went from being socially active, university student/newlywed, soon-to-be teacher, blah blah blah. To Hunters mom. And I did it with avengence. Which set me up beautifully for the PPD that followed Sage's birth just short of two years later. Part of moving through the ppd for me was finding out who i was. What the hell kind of music i liked, clothes I liked, what made me ME instead of seeing me as completely encapsulated as HuntersMom.

Enough of the back story. So here we are, my self image still primarily encapsulated in MotherOfBabies, although one of them seems to be rapidly approaching 5 years old...??
Yes, yes all of the things I had 'discovered' about myself are still there and I have interests and depth beyond the whole mother of babies thing. However I am realizing this Mother of Babies gig ends, and you become....Mother of school aged kids. A shift i may not be completely prepared or comfortable with, given my tendencies to control and be needed. See Mother of Babies may not be my entire self image, but its a damn big chunk of it, and there is only one way to prolong this gig...and quite frankly I'm pretty spread out with three, I don't want to turn into a Duggar just to avoid moving onto a different phase of life. I will however continue to write logic defyingly long sentences. Sorry about that. Another reason I'm clinging to this time...I'm pretty good at it. No really. I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on the 0-4 crowd. Confidant even.

So in summary, I am afraid of change, at least in this case. So having a most excellent (non maternity!) coat that i can picture myself wearing while doing things with my children who are no longer babies, is helpful. I still sobbed a bit while removing the tiny baby sleepers from Jasper's drawers. sniff, sniff my baybee....

Here is where you tell me that the next stage is AWESOME and so much FUN and totally lacking in diaper changes or teething.

return

2011-03-15T10:46:00.003-06:00

return from Hawaii.
return to the blog.
return to talking about something other than food.
hmm what else did i talk about?...kids!

Hunter:
Hunter adored Hawaii. He was at the beach ever possible moment and if not he was in the pool. He went on a 2mile beach walk with my mom, a feat neither Tyler or I managed. He loved every single thing about Hawaii. He had his preschool round of shots yesterday, which he did not love. He is however officially big enough to be in a booster instead of the full on 5 point harness car seat, which is good because its a struggle to get him all strapped in with winter gear on.

Sage:
Had a birthday party in Hawaii, during which she received an incredible necklace and an entire summer wardrobe. Sage was diligent in wearing every piece of new clothing over the rest of the holiday. Sage was adamant that she did not want to go into the water (pool or ocean) until day three when Tyler talked her into the pool, after that she could not be talked out of the pool despite blue lips and chattering teeth. She did hold ground at the beach and not one tiny toe touched the ocean.
Sage did not shed one tear during her (belated) 18 month shots yesterday, and only complained once this morning about her shoulders hurting.

Jasper:
Loved being (almost) naked in Hawaii. His rash improved significantly...though it reemerged two days before we came home. Jasper took to the time change (three hours behind us) well and went to bed at 8-9pm most nights. He also slept through the night for the first time, cut his first tooth and rolled over (another first) on the beach. The last surly to outdo his siblings who rolled over for the first time at their aunt and uncles and my parents house. The rolling is a relief as it means i can put him to sleep on his stomach (which he adores) guilt free. My mom announced it was definitely time for us to go home, otherwise he may think he needed to start walking in Hawaii as well.

The most stressful part of the trip was leaving. After returning the rental car we heard about the earthquake, and tsunami that hit Japan. Then while we were in the waiting area every 30 mins a very official sounding message was broadcast : "The state of Hawaii is under a Tsunami Watch, the first wave is expected to hit at 3am. All staff are require to move to the second floor at that time." We didn't know how big the earthquake was, or the Japanese tsunami much less the one scheduled to arrive at 3am. Our flight was suppose to leave at 11:30pm...but there was 90 minutes of debate as to whether it was safer to leave or stay. Not my calmest 90 mins.

The only reference i had to a tsunami was the media exposure from the huge one in Indonesia a few years ago. That coupled with the late hour, presence of my three small children and the flipping announcement on repeat had me fairly...upset. Tyler's insistence to 'calm down' didn't help much. I did mange to calm down, but only after talking to a number of very calm and kind women who were extremely reassuring.

I will admit to walking around the waiting room with Jasper making eye contact with as many people as i could. see? See! I have a baby, and this baby (and my other two) are getting on that plane no matter what. Leave me if you have to...but they get off this island NOW. somebody save my babies!. Despite my smile, I must have had a tinge of panic in my eye because a few kind lovely woman came over to chat about the baby and mentioned that it was going to be fine, and this happens frequently, its no big deal. Which coupled with the completely unflustered appearance of the airport staff did go a long way to calming me down, well... at least I stopped pacing.

Of course us getting out of the way of the water was only part of the equation...my parents were still there and since the airport was allegedly 'out of the hit zone' my parents on the other side of the island were surly directly in the path. (pats overactive imagination on head). No information on the plane the Bell TV on WestJet only works if you are over the land not the ocean. We had a lot of ocean to cross. Then we had to run through the airport to make our connection, which left us no time to a)tell people we left or b)find out how bad Hawaii was hit. Then we were stuck sitting on the plane waiting for the lazy people off our flight who didn't run through the airport...45 mins of watching three different people use their IPhones (and one ipad) to communicate with the world outside of the plane convinced me maybe tyelr was right and we should get a smart phone.

which ....I have an iphone thus the twitter and its camomilethought not because I'm clever (and long winded) and 140 characters is only enough for one thought...but because I was only allowed 14 characters in my username.

Sunday Update.

2011-02-22T00:41:00.003-07:00

Well...that didn't work.
I wanted to not get pulled off course/out of routine when Tyler was here. How can you not be moved by a hurricane? Its not bad, just very different.

Speaking of different.

Food...glorious food. Except when it isn't. I knew not to binge eat (eggs! cheese! sugar! wheat!) after the diet. I knew it was a bad idea. I likely even knew it as I took each bite of contraband food. And I paid dearly for each of those bites. From what I can gather...wheat makes me very very tired, and if I don't' sleep I get very very angry. Irrational angry. Angry at everyone. Ugly angry.

Eggs make me bloat and stink and have a ache in my stomach. I had two before dinner tonight and 1?2? hours later I had to go change out of my jeans; they were cutting into my waist.

Those are the only two I can really connect the food to a reaction, everything else turned into a blur of discomfort, mood swings and cravings.

I wasn't prepared for how much food effects my mood. The day I was very mad, Tyler ~~asked~~ demanded to know what was wrong. What had set me off? What was going on?What happened? I was so angry i was shaking. I could feel myself emotionally distancing myself from everyone. I don't know! The kids are so demanding, they are always whining for something. They are always touching me! Why can't I get some space around here. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! Problem was I did know and I had caused it. Fortunately my sister in law had gone through a similar food situation and she remembered how much her emotions were altered when she binged. I thought i was going crazy. If there had even been the slightest trigger, I would have heaped the blame on that...but there wasn't. The kids were no more or less whiny or touchy than they always are. My circumstances hadn't changed in the slightest. The fuel my body was trying to run on had changed, and with it everything else.

So I restarted, again. I need to eat more often. When Tyler is home I am more likely to forget to eat, or put it off. Its not good for me or the people around me. I need to eat more protein. I tried leaving eggs in the diet, but now realize they are a big part of the problem. So gluten, eggs...that should be it, right?

Much to my relief, I had two nurses suggest (unprompted!) that Jasper could be food sensitive. One even suggested going to a pediatric allergist. It gets frustrating to have so few people in the medical community believe (or even imagine) that what I'm eating may be triggering a reaction in him. Despite also having a number of suggestions to wean him...because my breast milk is cleary the problem*. I don't' feel that's the best course of action right now.

*I know that's not what they mean. But sometimes that's what it feels like.

ok...sleep.
s

Morning After...

2011-02-15T08:29:00.002-07:00

Ugh...

So I'm pretty tight with the food reins around here. Treats are for the afternoon and sugar is very limited. Yesterday was Valentines day and while i was trying to throw myself under the bus with my food choices, I let the kids eat whatever they wanted, thinking well...I don't know what i was thinking. Something along the lines of...eat your fill then I'm throwing it out. They handled it really well yesterday. Today? Hello fallout. Hello grouchy, cranky kids. Plus I'm not 100%... what with my excellent ingesting yesterday. I've never had one but wheat grass smoothies all around would be a great way to start the day. We'll settle for fruit smoothies I guess.

Tyler in an act of sheer brilliance...escaped to the office for the morning. If you are reading this honey....I'd stay until after nap time.

AND to balance all this self inflicted/self indulgent/ self created complaining....

Jasper rules! He's Buddha...smiles and chubby and wonderful. Such a delightful counter point.

Sunday Update (monday edition)

2011-02-14T23:08:00.002-07:00

Happy Valentines Day!

This week I am mad at myself. Tyler came home Thursday and since then I've eaten things that haven't even tempted me in the last 6 weeks.

I was able to introduce my first 'new' food. Wheat. It was sort of an accident...but there it is. I only ended up eating four slices of whole wheat bread, over two meals. Plus whole wheat pancakes (I know dairy, egg, and wheat) anyway the bread made me bloat and Jasper pretty gassy, but he didn't seem to mind ...just farted more. The pancakes were a different story. I had a terrible stomach ache after (I ate 4 medium sized ones), and was uncomfortable for awhile.

Jasper had his followup with the dermatologist, and my expectation was to get a nice pat on the head and be told to keep applying the cream to keep the rash under control. Instead the three doctors sort of freaked out when the looked at his torso. Apparently it was a new rash, and none of them had any guesses as to what it was. So they did a swab which entailed bursting one of the pustules with a razor blade, oops missed that one...here lets try another. They gave me cream B to deal with mystery rash 2, so that's Cream A on his legs and face and Cream B on his torso. Fun! The torso looks way better, and I haven't had any panicked phone calls so I'm assuming it wasn't too serious. It feels like...like the Tupperware cupboard is full but instead of purging or reorganizing we just keep shoving things in....but as we suppress one rash, another one pops up. awesome.

So...new mystery rash coupled with trying to maintain the house and NOT rely on Tyler and stay sane contributed to me eating 7 ginger snap cookies in a very short period of time. They tasted good. Unfortunately being 'clean' for so long made the sugar hit me very very hard. It sounds like I'm exaggerating but it was like i was drunk, and not tipsy: I think i better lay down drunk. My central nervous system was freaking the hell out, it felt like every muscle in my body was twitching, but it wasn't. I am a very, very, light sleeper I wake when Hunter rolls over in his bed, in his room, across the hall. That night, by the time i did fall asleep I was so out of it elephants could have stampeded into the room and i wouldn't have waken. Tyler had to wake me to tell me Jasper was crying...in his crib beside my head. Then when i got up to feed him/put him back to sleep through the night (breast milk now in intense gingersnap flavor with extra sugar!) I felt hungover. Headache, groggy, exhausted, dehydrated, upset stomach. It was disgusting. Because I like to really learn a lesson, I've been making myself feel like crap with food ever since. French fries, Toblerone, Onion rings, hot dogs (no bun), then because hell...I feel like shit anyway I had a mozza burger, guess what? I felt even worse. I'm atrociously thirsty, my stomach is in knots, i just feel gross.

Tomorrow morning I'm going grocery shopping, and hauling myself back up onto the healthy eating wagon...if only to avoid this gut ache.

up one pound.

internet vs tv

2011-02-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

Some nights when Hunter and Sage are in bed, and Jasper and I are hanging out I have to decide whether I want to put a movie in upstairs (easy supervision, lengthily time commitment) or go downstairs to the computer (flexible time commitment, no supervision). The computer is downstairs to help me limit my Internet time, so bringing it up isn't an option. The other day I decided on computer time...which was great for me. Jasper wanted to go to sleep after 45 mins so I put him down and went to bed, with no temptation to stay up longer. While i was on the computer I heard the pitter patter of little feet, but only once and only briefly. Which is usually ok to ignore. Lots of running around, or extended tiptoeing requires instant investigation. Unfortunately this time i guessed wrong. Turns out Sage had decided she needed to go potty (for the 4th time that evening). Upon finding this tragity:

She did this:

So I come upstairs with a snoring Jasper and after putting him down in his crib go check on Hunter. I was instantly suspicious when i found out box of Q-tips on his bed. DANGER, DANGER! After finding the toilet paper situation in the bathroom i was leaning against the door frame deciding if it was worth photographing...when i heard a noise behind me. Sage was peeking over the end of her bed with one eye open.

Sage: (Perky)"Hi"
Shannon: (less perky)"Hi"
"Did you do this?"
Sage: "I had to go Potty"
Shannon: "Ok (deep sigh)...could you go to sleep now?"
Sage: "Ok"

The surprise came when Hunter woke me the next morning and I asked (in possibly less than a kind tone)...why and how he got the box of qtips down last night? And just as i was about to launch into the lecture about staying in bed, ect, ect. He said "What Qtips?". Sage sheepishly enters the room and announces that SHE was the one who crawled up onto the counter and got the box of qtips off the highest shelf in the bathroom, then put them on Hunters bed. SHE FRAMED HIM! He was asleep the whole time. Anyone have a lie detector they want to lend me in oh...three years?

moments..

2011-02-08T22:45:00.002-07:00

Today...i was swamped, but now I can't remember why.

Sage was sick...but that entailed cuddles, couch and movies. Jasper was screaming, but only the last part of the day. Hunter was a bit crazy but nothing off the chart. All of these things don't account for the heaviness of my afternoon. I was using all my 'need to talk' cards. I even asked Kim to come by and help with bedtime. I was teetering on the edge of overwhelmed but really...it was all ok. We are ok. Bedtime went well, Jasper calmed down and ate.

Sometimes a moment grabs me and spins me so fast I start worrying about the next one, and the next one, and the next one (Ad nauseum). Suddenly I'm not just feeling the weight of that particular moment, but the worst case scenario of the next three. If i had chosen to deal with what was in front of me, instead of glancing down an imaginary (pessimistic) road, my day would have been much smoother and less stressful...so we miss skating. OK. Not: holy hell maybe he won't be going to school, should i send him to school? What if his nose is running? what if he still wants to go? what if it turns into a big whinefest? When will i get the housework done if hes home all morning and whining? What if Jasper gets sick? How am i going to take Jasper and two sick kids to the stollery for Jasper's followup Thursday? I should write down my qtns so i don't forget. How am i going to keep the other two entertained so i can actually talk to the dermatologist/pediatrician? What am i going to do?

Let me tell you what I'm going to do. Next time I get spun...I'm going to breath, close my eyes and breath. I'm going to focus on that precise moment. And know we will be fine, excellent even.

I'm nervous for Tyler to come home. Sometimes it is fun to take a sailboat out in the waves and play around, its exciting and exhilarating. But right now I want calm more than I want fun. I want peace and ease instead of rushing everywhere and doing everything right now! Time and my resolution to be calm get swept away in his enthusiasm and our attempt to get everything done before he leaves and i find myself driving him back to the airport, exhausted with a to do list a million miles long. That being said for the first time in a long time I am looking forward to him coming home, not as a crutch to help me, but because i miss spending time with him, more than anyone else he makes me laugh. I miss my husband and best friend, which is profoundly different than desperately needing someone to give me a break and take over/help with everything. I just hope I can hold space and keep the energy grounded, to find a balance between spontaneous/boisterous energy and a place to breath.

sunday update

2011-02-07T13:37:00.003-07:00

This diet sucks, it really sucks when I'm tired or stressed or otherwise reaching for food to make me feel better.

whew, ok..had to get that out of my system.

Baked yams, fill the comfort food gap.
Quinoa (white) is essentially tasteless and sort of textureless (keep in mind the quantity of brown rice i eat) if that is possible...but it makes a good filler and it is very quick so its convenient for a side dish (a little olive oil helps).
Red Quinoa has more texture and slightly more taste, plus very colourful addition to a plate.
Uncle Ben's makes a instant brown rice with only safflower/canola oil added, 2 minutes in the microwave makes it super quick when I'm super hungry right now!
I found a buttercup squash...never had one before should be interesting, I also bought an eggplant..another first...i'm a bit nervous.
I really hope that when i'm released to choose my own foods I can add them in but still maintain the focus on veggies and healthy carbs. Instead of going hog wild what with the bread, and butter and pasta and wraps and mayo and ...ok this isn't helping me.

When i get hungry I become very hard to be around. Pessimistic, snappy, stressed out, short tempered. Yesterday I was apparently really hungry and also desperately needing some protein (I rely so much on eggs /nuts for protein that I keep forgetting to make chicken or fish...problem), Kim save the day and brought me a rotisserie chicken...I ate the whole thing. I gave the kids each maybe 1/4 of a breast, and otherwise devoured the chicken. Rwar...dont' get between Shannon and her protein. Also note to me: Shannon EAT MORE PROTEIN!

OK...i think i can squeeze in a nap if i go right now...so thats it for this week.

down 3.2lbs.

oh and one thing to keep in mind...I'm still breastfeeding Jasper...which means I burn a bonus 500cal a day...which is a major factor in how much weight I'm loosing.
S

happy vs unhappy

2011-02-06T18:01:00.002-07:00

"Other people cultivate unhappiness as a way to control others. They cling to unhappiness because without it they'd forgo the special consideration that unhappiness secures: the claim to pity and attention.""Some people exploit unhappiness for decades"
-Gretchen Rubin The Happiness Project

As a way of reducing my unhappiness I've decided to change my attitude towards division of labour in our house. This is an experiment inspired by the Happiness Project to try to create a consistently peaceful home. I am here, alot. Really, all the time. So the energy in this house is very important to me. Somehow I could maintain an underlying feeling of peace/calm/balance when Tyler was gone* but upon his arrival everything changed. I was creating my own unhappiness (and disturb the peace and balance in my life) when Tyler is here by trying to force him to comply (participate) with my view of a fair division of labour (house chores, parenting). Guess what? He has his own version of a 'fair' division and it's very different from my own. (Marriage Insight #1) I nag, beg, plead, bribe...to no avail then feel petty and small for having resorted to those tactics. Petty and small do not equal happy and balanced.

I realize more mature couples would have a) sat down and discussed these things before marriage b) realized this was going on sometime before the six year mark and done something about it c)sat down now and have a mature rational discussion about individual expectations and worked towards a compromise that suited both people. I'm rolling with the fact that since I am doing the things that make me feel unhappy (small and petty), I should first try to change my expectations/behavior/actions as step 1. I'll figure out step 2 if i need to. Well that and six years trying to change Tyler's expectations/behavior/actions...was not the best way to spend my time.

My mom gave me the book, and it was a very interesting read. Some times infuriating, some times dead on, but it always made me think. It made me consider if I own my own happiness or if I try to rely on others to make me happy (if that's even possible). How doing things because I want to is better motivation than doing things because it makes other people happy. Oh and the importance of 'Be Gretchen' or more appropriately 'Be Shannon'. Actually there are alot of ideas that really stuck with me. Alas my kids are calling and this is all the time I've got so more later (if i remember).

epic body consumption...excellent.

2011-01-31T20:43:00.002-07:00

went to peds/derm.
decided it was eczema that became infected prescribed cortisone/antibiotic cream.
Came home.
Saw immediate results with the cream, forehead clearing, redness in cheek diminished.
Continue using cream once a day & bathe every night.
24 hours ago: a rash appears on his torso (few dots mostly on his sides)
now: (new?) rash now everywhere on his torso plus arms/elbows/legs expanding so fast I was able to watch it come up on his back. I think it MAY be the same thing as on his face, but it may be something new! and different! Have appt with my GP tomorrow at noon. I don't have a number to contact the peds/derm who wanted to see us in two weeks. The forehead was the only place we saw evidence of dry skin, so WHY why? are we still rolling with the eczema theory? I DON"T KNOW. This fun! new! development has been the quintessential straw, where as before I was all its all good...he's happy and eating and pooping and its ok...we'll figure it out. I'm so calm. Now I'm less....relaxed about it and more will someone please explain what is going on with my tiny chubby babies skin?. Fun.

also fun for the people getting daily updates...its like dermatological whiplash...
It's bad!
No it's better!
No that's not better!
Good news, I can see normal skin on his forehead!
Good lord what is that on his torso?
Hey his cheeks they are less red but the bumps are now filled with white fluid is that good or bad?
Hot damn that's all over his body now!

And to keep the fun rolling I haven't seen my GP since this started and was a tiny rash on his forehead so I will need to do 20 mins of fill in the doctor during our 15 mins appt. lovely.

Seriously considering moving to the coast. Screw this prairie dryness.

Sunday Update. (back in the saddle, again)

2011-01-30T22:30:00.002-07:00

Soo...
Lets ..edit...the mission a little. Lets say January is all about nutrition and well leave that activity part until...later. Because once again, I have nothing to report. I really can't tell you where or how I'd fit it into my schedual right now. So I'm choosing to not beat myself up over it. I know once Jasper starts a more consistent sleep schedual, things will shift again, but for now I give myself a pass.

Nutrition:
I learned about cholesterol, triglycerides, fats, fats and more fats! (Say it ain't so, butter!)
I also threw myself back up onto the brown rice diet wagon with avengence.

I have discovered that short grain rice is sweeter than long grain rice. I even have a favorite but am to lazy to go upstairs and check the name. I'm also calling the naturopath this week to determine if i'm allowed to add Quinoa and or Millet to my Brown rice party. Both are gluten free. Both cause the people who work at my Safeway to glaze over and repeat the words, assuming I have no idea what I'm talking about. Awesome, thanks for that.

When i have a craving (generally at night, generally for carbs with butter), I eat brown rice (or another ok food) until I couldn't possible stuff one more thing into my stomach. NO not the best tactic...but better than sitting there thinking about the bread and butter. Also having a huge variety of foods to choose from in the house really helps. I didn't know it was possible to spend that much at the grocery store on fruit, veggies and rice. I dont miss eggs as much as i thought i would. I dont' miss mayo at all, which is shocking. Warm gooey comfort food is the most likely to creep up on me and catch me off guard. Its night time, during the day I'm way better about this.

On the bright, unexpected side this is the fourth week I've been paying attention to what I'm eating and I'm down a grand total of 11lbs. ~~Out of frustration~~ In celebration I bought new jeans, because neither the maternity jeans that were too big, nor the old jeans that were too small were doing anything for my comfort or self confidence. Yay Joe, for having cheap jeans!

epic face consumption...

2011-01-26T23:26:00.000-07:00

How the rash started....just a little on his forehead

Then it moved under his cheeks and from the looks of this picture at his temple..

Then we have this ...cheeks, chins, and crusty on his forehead.

I stopped taking pictures because it got really upsetting. The redness of his cheeks got even worse and his forehead is as well. Now his cheeks don't stop weeping and his forehead is so bad the yellow liquid will actually bead up on it. Despite the rawness of his cheeks and forehead it seems marginally better to me today...still worse than this picture but better than the angry rawness of yesterday. We have an appt with a ped. dermatologist Friday morning. Ironically since I've been all won't someone just tell me what it is? I've had two different moms (one at skating and one at preschool) tell me it is atopic dermatitis which is Latin for sensitive skin rash bad. The first has a five month old son who had the 'exact same rash' on his face and torso. She spent two months going to different doctors, getting different diagnosis and trying multiple treatments (3 rounds of iv antibiotics, including being admitted to the hospital for a few days). Nothing worked until she bullied her way into a dermatologist appt and saw a poster in their waiting room. She said it was unmistakable. One cream later, and daily dosing in super moisturizing cream...totally cleared up no relapses. The other mom has a 4 year old, who doesn't get it on her face but her ankles and elbows. It would get so bad the skin would crack and bleed. Hypoallergenic super moisturizing cream every night...hasn't come back.

I don't know for sure if its the same thing. I don't know if I triggered it by eating something he was sensitive to (lowering his immune system?), or if it was triggered by something in our environment (blanket? detergent? new clothes? car seat cover?). If you had told me two weeks ago that this was something he would have to cope with long term I would have been crushed. Today? If you tell me what it is, and how to make it less painful for him...I'll be very grateful.

36 hours from now we will have an answer, thank god.

s

sunday update (ahh, F&%K it edition)

2011-01-24T14:04:00.003-07:00

Hi.
Jaspers face is not healing. He is also pushing the not sleeping thing to new heights (5am this morning).

Exercise this week: none. none! which rather upsets me, I thought it would be easier to fit in workout time when Tyler was home.

Nutrition: ha ha ha. A bag of cookies (with chocolate, because I am a glutton for punishment see above sleep reference), a side order of bacon AND sausage with my egg and cheese stuffed, gluten wrapped, breakfast of deliciousness. 1/2 of a big bag of chips.
The moral: It is far easier to eat healthy when i have the fridge stocked, eat at home and do not have chocolate/chips/treats in the house.

meh another lesson learned, another week starts today.

Jaspers face is really starting to bother me, the rash started two weeks ago and after 7 days on antibiotics I expected to see significant improvement. If you only look at his forehead I can show you some slight improvement, his cheeks are way worse... the rash is now creeping up to his temples and just today...towards the bridge of his nose. Damn it, his nose was the last clear place to kiss.

I revisited our Gp's office today (not our GP mind you). And have been referred to a pediatric dermatologist. I find this both relieving and anxiety causing. More the former than the latter.

Tyler flies out tomorrow. More important that either the eating or the exercising was my intention of having the house organized and be rested before he left(see how i didn't even use the word 'well' there?).....while I'm still hoping for a nap this afternoon, I don't think after a 3 hour night last night that it will propel me into the 'rested' category. I'll be happy if it gets me into...able to walk without the full body head nods occurring.

also: up 1.5lbs.

mea culpa, maybe.

2011-01-21T08:53:00.002-07:00

yesterday in a moment of desperation I ate lots of bread (with butter), then half a bag of potato chips. 6 hours later Jasper started screaming and wouldn't stop. Not crying screaming. Now he is also teething (chewing fists with avengence, drooling, irritable) and dealing with the antibiotics/staph infection. So I really have no idea what is going on. He may not be teething? He may be sensitive to wheat? gluten? He may have just really disliked the passport office and decided to let me know for 4 hours. He was so tired that he would pass out mid scream and be zonked for 15 mins (As long as i kept bouncing and swaying) then he'd wake (from the discomfort?) and start wailing again. The icing on this sleep deprived evening was when i went up stairs at 3:30 to find out what the noises were I found Tyler on the bathroom floor inbetween bouts of vomiting. Oh and Tylenol at 6pm...made him (Jasper) dopey but happy, tylenol at midnight, did absolutely nothing, except maybe give him MORE pain...is that possible?

I cannot tell you how out of character this was for him. He is my zen happy baby. Yes he likes to be up until 1am consistently, but its a happy up till 1am. A 'lets talk and coo and play' up till one. Last night was something entirely different and it has drained the last of my reserves so I'm super emotional and prone to rapid and wide mood swings. Also: after 3.5 hours sleep waking to a bathroom that needs to be bleached...isn't awesome. Tyler needs another hour of sleep before he can comment as to the state of his stomach but since everyone else i doing ok (so far and knock on wood) I'm pretty confidant it was something he ate rather than something he picked up.

Compounding this is Tylers looming departure, an event i planned to be well rested for, and all the chores that I intended to do before he left are still staring me in the face. What a night to fall off the food wagon.

I (heart) antibiotics...you can get off the floor now.

2011-01-18T09:09:00.002-07:00

Jasper had a rash, a little rash on his forehead. It looked very non threatening. Then it moved to his cheeks and I watched it but not with any sense of doom. Then it ate his face and exploded into the crusty, weepy, dark red, swollen with a layer of yellow wet or dried pus on top, and spread to the back of his head. Then it started moving down his chest and appeared on his arms...then i freaked out. and then?

After two visits to the gp, one to a naturopath, one huge shift of diet,a trip to our local hospital, and a trip to the children's hospital...we have a (logical) diagnosis and treatment plan which includes antibiotics. Those over prescribed gut destroyers that i avoid as much as I can. Today? I love the antibiotics. The rash has stopped its bid to take over his entire body, maybe even receded somewhat on his face, and is definitely looking way better. Turns out it was (is) a staph infection? There was a spot on his cheek that I couldn't look at without tearing up...it was so...hurt looking. He's still oozing in a few spots but I'm just so thrilled that it has stopped the Napoleon action.

Sunday update (Now with brackets!)

2011-01-17T01:06:00.004-07:00

Umm... right so I'm being kind to myself and realistic in my expectations.

Activity:
-my very first Hot Yoga class.
I dont' know I keep trying yoga, and it just doesn't seem to be my thing. I'm glad I tried it and I'm not against trying it again (during the week when it isn't so busy). But I wasn't blown away by it. Its funny how I was finding space in my routine to work out last week, then Tylers home and instead of it being easier, which i expected I forgot to try to fit it in. That will be the goal this week I guess.

Nutrition (ha! funny you should ask)
Short version: Jasper has been reacting to a number of things I eat (Mandarins= curdled spit up, Chocolate= screaming pain with no gas or knees to chest action) so I suspected the rash (such a long story, hopefully now coming to an end) he had developed was in reaction to something i was eating. To determine which foods were triggering him (and me) I am, under the guidance of a Naturopathic Doctor, completing two weeks on their brand of the brown rice diet. On which I'm allowed: fruits (no banana or dried), veggies (no mush or corn), protein (chicken or fish), Brown Rice. I think this is taking the 'healthy eating' thing much farther than I wanted it to go...but I will after sticking to it for two weeks, be reintroducing foods to see if Jasper and I (or I) react (and what the reaction is) to those foods. I have no idea how my sister in law stuck to this for 30 days. BUT! I am learning lots of stuff:

I am an emotional eater: while Tyler had Jasper in emerg (he's...ok) tonight I really desperately wanted Carbs (Muffin! White Pasta! Toast with Butter!).

I actually enjoy brown rice (ask me again after a whole week).

Its easier to justify (in my mind) sticking strictly to the diet if I'm doing it 'for Jasper' the minute I found out it was a Staph Infection and NOT in fact something I was eating...everything became more tempting ("psst...Shannon you don't' even need to be on this anymore...you could go back to eating what you were eating and just eliminate things one by one") I still think it is worth it (even when there is a white bun subway sub sitting on my table beside a white chocolate macadamian nut cookie) so I'm sticking to it, I would like answers for myself as well.

I prefer Butternut squash to Acorn or Spaghetti.

Test #1: Dinner out tomorrow night. Excellent.

added: down 2.5lbs this week, despite the derth of exercise and the fast food early in the week. I guess it really is more what you eat than how much you exercise. also: man i must have eaten alot of bread/butter/sugar.

a pep talk to me..

2011-01-11T09:07:00.002-07:00

One more day, one more day, one more day.

Please dig really deep and find some forgotten well of patience, even if its a very shallow puddle which is likely because I've been searching for it for the last two days. My tolerance/ patience/ kindness in the face of attitude/ destruction / whining was thoroughly used up by day 10. Usually mornings find me somewhat refreshed, today I feel as burnt out as i did last night. Things that usually roll off my back are not being tolerated. Hunter appears to be whining incessantly, which when met with 'stop it/go to your room/enough' turns into incessant whiny-cry which is louder even when muffled by his closed door. Sage is playing it smart (gasp possibly through her streak of intense 2 year old?) and flying under my radar, and god do i love her for it.

In truth Hunter's behavior hasnt' changed that much, infact if i were to be completely honest...he is being pretty amazing. He got himself an apple for breakfast, and has let me stay in bed when possible. Yes the whining...but its something I've let go on for a long time, my tolerance for and response to it is what has changed, not the level of whining.

I just dont' take that breath i usually do before reacting. There is no sober second thought....I just react and it is rarely in a calm balanced rational way. Its like i expect him to stop being a 4yo and start being an 8yo simply because I'm tapped out.

I'm going to need to change things up for the next round of 'away'. I have lots of things (massage, acupuncture, trying Hot Yoga*, actually going to a guided meditation) booked for the next two weeks, as well as sleeping and napping. But a buffer/ cushion for the last few days will be important. Even with a five hour break yesterday (took Jasper in to city for dr appt and visit with his cousin, my mother in law kept Hunter and Sage) I was still burnt out...there really is no better word.

Sunday Update..

2011-01-09T21:04:00.005-07:00

Disclaimer: these are my opinions and thoughts...I am not a doctor, nutritionist, physiotherapist or personal trainer. I expect i am incorrect in a number of beliefs about nutrition and exercise which is why I'm doing this, so bear with me and please be kind with any corrections/suggestions.

So...Its sort of been a week.
I started this intentional healthy living deal on the first...but the workout book* (gift from mom..THANKS!) I'm using starts on a monday...so this week had a few bonus days.

One goal is to learn about nutrition in general, and also how foods effect me. The first branch of attack has been to really understand portion sizes and what calories are, how many I'm consuming, and the content of the food I typically eat. So this week I've been measuring things. One 'portion' of raisins is 40g...which meant absolutely nothing to me until i hauled the food scale out of the back of my cupboard and actually weighted the raisins. I've been using measuring spoons for salad dressing, and butter (sigh). Rice, spinach, salad. Disclaimer: I only do these things when it is convenient. I've also been looking up the number of calories fruit and veggie have (as well as the fibre/vitamins & minerals) on this website...W(orlds)H(ealthiest) Foods.org*. If you know of a different/better site please pass it along.

I started a food journal, which i actually managed to use more days than not, and am getting an idea of what I eat, how much, and areas I want to change up a bit. It has been really interesting to see which foods are caloricly (I made that up!) expensive and whether they have a significant nutritional benefit. A slice of bread with butter is calorically (can't decide how to spell my made up word) equivalent to a Kashi bar, what are the benefits of each choice?

The most disturbing thing I've learned in my caloric mission was about my best editable friend Butter. I love butter. Love, love, love. Butter and I have exchanged best friend charms and have carved our names on many a tree. Two teaspoons (it's less than you think) is 70 calories. More importantly 70 empty calories. There is no nutritional benefit to butter**. Delicious taste bud comfort, yes nutritional benefit...no. So sad.

3 things I've learned this week about nutrition:
-Kashi Dark Chocolate Cherry Bars* help me through the sweet cravings and the protein, fibre
and whole grains make it a good use of 130 calories
-Butter, use it wisely.
-a tablespoon (or teaspoon for that matter) is smaller than I thought.

One of the other components to Healthy Living is moving my body, intentionally. I know people who claim childcare is an inherent workout, and I'm happy that works for them, but it doesn't for me. I want to feel like I've challenged myself, my strength, flexibility or endurance. I like to focus on the workout, it is a welcome change of pace to focus on one thing (one more squat, one more breath, one more minute at this speed) rather than have my brain scattered on a million things (monitoring each of the kids, anticipating what the next request is going to be, planning the next meal). It has been a challenge to fit an activity in with the three kids. Jasper doesn't have a consistent schedule so I've tried to be as flexible as I can. Plus I'm being kind with myself...so if Jasper is sleeping at night I sleep instead of pushing for the workout I missed during the day.

I managed to try the treadmill but after 5 mins at a very slow jog my knees made it clear that without more muscular support this was not an option. So I'm focusing on weight training. I have a video I'm using: Get Ripped! Slim and Lean*. A friend recommended it to me as an alternative to doing the Body Blast Program at our gym. I like that i can modify the length by choosing which muscle groups to work on, and that i can separate the lunge set and the squat set until my knees and hips get used to it again.

My goal for the week was to do all of the sets (12) twice, so four 30 minute workouts. I didn't quite make it, but I did learn the best times to try to fit it into our schedule so i consider it a success.

This week:
2 30 mins weights
1 45 min weights
1hour of shoveling

Next week: Emotional health, Spiritual health (or maybe not...depends on how the week goes). At least I'll update on Nutrition and Activity.

*I purchased (or my mom) all of these items I am not receiving any freebies or sponsorship from any of the companies/products listed. Although if Kashi wanted to give me a lifetime supply of those bars...I'm ok with that.

**except vitamin A What is up with Vitamin A...it seems to be everywhere.

ps..I am going to try to keep this to once a week thing (the healthy living stuff) so if you only come for talk about sleep deprivation and poop...no worries just don't check on Sundays :)

pps oh, and I'm down 4 lbs

gratuitous baby picts

2011-01-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

oh right...blogging.

2011-01-07T20:01:00.002-07:00

Sorry. Its sad when your husband (who check maybe once a month) mentions the lack of posts.

Ok so we are here. Jasper is divine and wonderful and chubby, also : outweighs his 6 month old cousin. I think his third chin pushed him past her, or maybe the roll on the back of his neck. Its been good for me...I didn't appreciate the crap parents of babies in the bottom half the growth chart take. Hello! If all babies were in the 90% it wouldn't be the 90% .... in fact they wouldn't even need a growth chart.

Ok...

Jasper sleeps well...just erratically, and generally not at night. This last week has been light years better than the first 7 so I'm optimistic, but still tired.

Tyler left 10 days ago to his new assignment in BC, which is closer than the last posting but still not helpful in that bedtime routine kind of way. That complaint aside he is going to be home for 2 weeks straight, in between his two weeks of being very far away, which will make my life easier (and more pleasant) for the two weeks he is home. (comma, comma, comma)

I'm going to talk about something I really don't like reading about so I'm warning you in advance. Healthy lifestyle. Actually I quite enjoy discussing healthy lifestyle what I don't like is talking about dieting and calories and blah blah, new years it just so...ugh. That being said New Years coincided nicely with my post partum release and permission to do some abdominal work (they separated this round). Also making the timing perfect is Jasper slowly sleeping more at night than during the day which translates into me being somewhat functional and sometimes willing to expend the precious energy I usually horde to ensure survival.

Between the first and second pregnancies I kept any weight that didn't come off 'naturally' (read: without any effort on my part). I assumed more had come off than it had, an illusion quickly dispelled by a picture taken when Hunter was approaching a year, yikes!
Then after having Sage I took Body Blast at our gym for 7 months, and the difference was incredible. Not only did I loose more weight than i expected, I also came to appreciate that a strong, functional body does more to boost my self esteem than a number on the scale. I had muscle definition for the first time, I was able to Highland Dance on knees that had hindered my ability to swim. I felt strong and capable and confidant to try new things (eg: triathlon).

Because this latest pregnancy was so physically challenging I stopped exercising pretty much as soon as i realized i was pregnant. Then promptly lost the muscle support for my hips and knees. Suddenly I was back to weak knees and sore hips. Booo. I had a long time to appreciate the benefits of being active, and was very excited to be allowed to start again. Plus if all that isn't enough motivation 1) I am so sick of wearing maternity pants, still. 2) Hawaii, in March.

So here is where I'd tell you all about the things I'm doing and the things I plan to do and all the surprises I've discovered in two short weeks but! We are all out of time today kids.

Thanks for sticking around.
S

Reverb10 round 2

2010-12-22T09:03:00.002-07:00

Prompts from here.

Let Go
What or whom did you let go of this year? why?

Fear of Labour, mostly
I spent hours on the night of the eleventh (of November) writing out/releasing fears, building a labour play list, and packing a (serious) hospital bag. I felt finished at 1am....my water broke at 4am.

Micro Managing Tyler (when I remember).
I waste a lot of time treating Tyler like he's a child (nagging, cajoling, reminding, harassing) this year I recognized that those things were a)demeaning and rude to tyler b) ineffective and a complete waste of my time (and also: frustrating). So happily I've stopped (when i remember).

Not using processed food in the house.
This was a huge relief. I just decided that something had to give near the end of my pregnancy...it was either cut myself some slack or loose my mind. So I started buying some frozen or prepackaged food, for meals at home. I'm still neurotic about ingredients in the food, and I still prefer to make food myself....but this is so much easier for now, and sanity is nice.

Make
What is the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but need to clear some time for it?

I made a photo book for my Aunt and Mom out of the pictures I took in Tuscon. I'd like to finish the year photo books for the kids.

Community
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

This year welcomed so many babies! I found myself with a sister, and friend who were pregnant at the same time as me. This was a (small) community but combined with the prenatal group (6 woman) it was a treat to be able to share the experience with others going down the same path.
2011? a group of moms, and a meditation/reiki/intuitive group who I can work with to develop my mad psychic skillz.

Reverb10

2010-12-21T22:58:00.002-07:00

So if you want to read about how tired I am...pretty much anything from May until December 2006 will cover that. In an effort to NOT get sucked into the complaining vortex...I give you a shortened version of Reverb10. I'll try to do five at a time...

One Word:
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine that it is one year from today, what would you want the word that captures 2011 to be? Gwen Bell

Restorative. There are alot of other words that come to mind, but this one is the loudest. Between a week at Canyon Ranch, mini vacations at my moms house, and the overwhelming help I've received despite all the changes I feel like I had many opportunities this year to relax and breath, on my own. 2011? Joy.

Moment:
Pick one moment in which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (textures, smells, voices, noises, colours).

I was crouched near the ground trying to capture the way the sun backlit a yellow poppy (ok it looked like a yellow poppy... do those exist?) with my camera. It had been a long time since I had been able to just take a photo. I had the entire day with nothing I needed to do, and was free to roam with the camera. I was in Tuscon, an environment I'd never been in before, the weather was beautiful, warm. The ground was rough but not gravel. I could hear people in the distance but nothing distinct, the colour of the flowers could only be described as vivid, and the abundance of time made it a relaxing moment, I wasn't rushed to get the shot. Nobody was expecting me anywhere. I was free and doing precisely what I love.

Ok...Jasper is awake and fussing and while I appreciate that Tyler is physically holding him in the room. I can't focus. So two today. Well...its a start.

S

6 years, seafood and a bottle.

2010-12-19T09:44:00.002-07:00

It was our six year anniversary yesterday. We went out for dinner (my parents watched the kids). The original plan was to take Jasper, after having the flu last weekend I didn't feel up to pumping any milk so taking him with us seemed to be the easiest plan. However because I'm a nursing champ. I had 6oz to take with me, and my parents kept all three kids. Jasper took (both) bottles really well. Not that I was worried. Jasper loves to eat.

I ended up having lobster (yum I love lobster) and also vanilla vodka (I love vanilla vodka). I have become addicted to these Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory cashew dark chocolate clusters. They have a store in the Toronto Airport and while flying home last week Dad picked some up for me. They were waiting for me under an anniversary card, when we dropped the kids off. Lets review: Dark chocolate & cashews, vanilla vodka, lobster, kid free dinner. Happy Anniversary to us!

what a comeback.

2010-12-16T09:16:00.003-07:00

All* of the children continue to amaze me. (can't believe i can refer to my children as all, instead of both)

Jasper ...doesn't like to sleep at night. Its shades of 2006 around here. I had forgotten the depths of sleep deprivation.

The last two nights have been a 3am and 4am morning, while being woken up at 7. I manage a nap in the afternoon about half the time.

I don't like the version of myself who I am when I'm tired. I also don't like the way she constructs sentences.

I get angry. very angry. Angry at Tyler for not being there to help. Angry at his work for never telling us what is going on, until the minute before he has to go. Angry at the fact that he works out of town and thats the way it is. Angry at myself for not actually thinking through the implications of his job...oh...years ago. Like 6 years ago. Angry at myself because, I knew he'd be out of town when we decided to have a third. Angry, angry, angry. I really dont' like feeling this way. I have a fraction of the patience I usually have. I yell, actually yell at the other two. Not often, fortunately but... I don't yell. I don't threaten random punishments. And i certainly don't send them to their rooms as a knee jerk reaction so i have time to THINK about what i want to do about whatever behaviour just happened.

It usually doesn't take me this long to think if my brain function dropped 15% when i had babies ....its down 60% with somewhat less sleep and today? we are running on about 20% brain function. I just stare at Hunter when he asks me a simple question. I am unable to reason through options, or even carry them near the scale (to weigh them...get it?). I just can't get further ahead than the very next step. Long range (like 48 hours ahead) planning is nonexistent.

but that aside....

I adore jasper. It's completely effortless to love him. Easier than stepping into a warm bath...like waking up already in the bath (but not in a i might have just drown kind of way). I took him grocery shopping with me before Tyler left, and every time i glanced down at him (sleeping of course) in the cart I just sort of had to stop and smile and stare for a little bit.

He is already past the point where he is content to just snuggle there on my chest with his head tucked under my chin...if hes awake he wants to wiggle and move and look around. I'm glad i spent every single available moment in the last month clutching him to my chest inhaling deeply. I can honestly say I didn't miss a cuddle opportunity, I horded them. I'm more...nostalgic this round.

Jasper has (like his siblings) cradle cap. I couldn't imagine scrubbing their delicate baby heads for the first two. But after discovering/dealing with the last of Hunter's cradle cap at age 2 (harder to pin down then), I'm more dedicated. Apparently Jasper's baby hair is attached only by his cradle cap ...so as i gently scrub it off in the bath, the hair shows my progress...he looks like a tiny balding man. This should come as no surprise. Both Hunter and Sage lost a decent portion of their baby hair. Hunter lost all of it, sporting a really sad comb over for awhile. Anyway my meandering point (which i've had to stop and remind myself of twice this paragraph) is that this time, when i realized what was happening ...Jasper's baby hair was going to be gone forever. I got all choked up about it and possibly shed a few tears. Because his newborn tiny baby hair...its gone, gone! Wah! My baby will never have his newborn hair again. Seriously.

He is gaining weight at an awesome rate. He was up 6oz in 3? days, and three pounds in three weeks. He is super healthy. Has big cheeks and a solid double chin. Rolls present on; thighs (3), belly (1), neck (2!). On Tuesday we went to have picts taken of the kids, and I noticed the not yet filled out areas...there are still glimpses of newborn...his calves/ankles/feet haven't filled out yet, nor has his butt which looks unbalanced given his very filled out belly.

He has become more gassy/spituppy (remember running on 3 hours of sleep here, forgive me) in the last week, especially at that crucial 11-3am time frame. Now spitting up happens frequently and its curdled and gross, as oppose to before when it was just milk coming up with a bubble.

ok. I"ve not pushed the older two farther than i should...breakfast time.

S

Siblings....

2010-11-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

So its almost been a week. How are we doing? Well... I could use a little more sleep, but beyond that things are pretty amazing. When Hunter woke up on the morning of the 12th (I was in labour in the living room) he went running back to his room...then returned carrying his most prized possession...Pooh Bear. He then offered me Pooh to take to the hospital "in case Jasper cried after he was born." Its pretty much been that adorable since. Hunter is feeling the brunt of the mom's busy right now lack of attention so I was sure when he asked if we could talk about Jasper he was going to express some...disappointment in life with another sibling. Instead I'm forced to sniffle into my sleeve as he earnestly tells me "Mom, I love having a baby here." Sage is determined to refer to Jasper as either 'my baby' or Miss.Hailey. Both insist on morning and bedtime kisses for Jasper. Sage loves to 'hold' him and give him hugs and kisses (as does Hunter). I know its been a honeymoon period, having Tyler home this long. But it hasn't been without changes for the 'big kids' (mom becoming nocturnal, adjusting to dad's way of doing things, my constant nursing/holding Jasper) and they have adjusted with more grace and love than i could have ever predicted. I can't predict what the future will hold, and I won't say that its always going to be perfect, we are all learning to be a family of five. But this week? This week has been incredible, and I'm completely grateful for that.

Jasper Wyatt

2010-11-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

Hi!
I'm Jasper Wyatt. I'm pretty awesome. I was born on the 12th at 8:27am at the birth center. I was 8lbs 5oz and 21.5" long. I like to cuddle all day and eat all night. I'm four days old today, and I'm up 6oz from my birth weight. Did I mention I like to eat all night? Everyone seemed so anxious 'waiting' until the 12th for me to arrive, so I didn't make the delivery too long. Water broke at 4am...contractions started at 4:45... we went into the center just after 7 and I was born at 8:30! They keep talking about me being backwards (posterior with my chin up?) but that was just so the pushing wasn't too fast for Mom. You're welcome, Mom! I keep getting kisses and hugs from these two characters, Hunter and Sage? They seem alright so far, they are very gentle with me and seem to enjoy taking my dirty diapers to the garbage for me. I wonder how long this servant thing will last? Its also neat to hang out with this Dad guy...he's been home since i have and I love hanging off his arm like a monkey. People say I look just like my brother, but with fairer hair.

Mom is doing good. She's still holding her hips whenever she stands up, so I guess they are bugging her, but otherwise she seems great. Its after 9 which means i should be eating...bye!

Jasper.

WOAH!

2010-11-12T04:19:00.002-07:00

Three hours? I posted that three hours ago.....my water just broke....you people are awesome (calender challenged... its the 12th...but awesome).

MOM/Jordana...if you read this before I call you. I have not started contracting. I am not waking you at 4am if i'm not going to start contracting for awhile (a la Sage). I will call when i've had a few contraction...although if you are up reading this...sorry i wanted you to sleep in. Give me a call.

Peace out people, careful with your thoughts today...

also: so told you my water would break before labour.

Vibes.

2010-11-12T00:34:00.003-07:00

Shannon is going to have the baby on the 13th. Think it, believe it, send me some labour vibes for the 13th...please. It's like an experiment in positive thinking and also distance thinking. I know my cousin and grandmother have already been on this train for awhile (also their birthdays) but I could use all the good will i can get.
Thank you!
S

40w 4days (day before 11/11/2010)

2010-11-10T22:10:00.002-07:00

membrane sweep: check (google at your own risk)
Birth tincture: check
Raspberry Leaf tea: check

This is so much better than report cards, good luck ladies (and gentleman).

40w 3days but enough about that

2010-11-09T21:39:00.003-07:00

So what did you do today? You didn't think once about my uterus? seriously? Wow. Good for you.

Here's what i did....

Kids and I woke up and cuddled in my bed. It was all very sweet until Hunter's energy level exceeded what is required for a sweet cuddle, then we moved to the living room. Kids played idyllically (Go Fish! if you can believe it) while i paid our bills online (and possibly checked my email). We had breakfast (fruit, more fruit, sauteed spinach, eggs and toast, and rice krispies for Sage). I organized the kitchen while the kids continued to play together (nicely!) in the living room. I also manged to be on the phone for a very long time, with minimal interruptions. We drove into the city to meet my mom for the most delicious sandwiches and pie you can imagine. Then we went diaper bag shopping. Mom had graciously decided that's what she wanted to get as a baby gift, and quite frankly since every other bag in this house is already dedicated to something (school! skating! swimming!, Tylers going out of town bag) it was much appreciated.

confession 1: I destroy diaper bags. I rip through them like there is no tomorrow. We had a red and black one for Hunter, Jeep brand if i remember correctly... didn't last six months. I always end up switching to a sturdy backpacks.

confession 2: I am horribly disorganized. I spent 20 mins circling the house looking for the Van keys (which i had just used) while Hunter, Tyler and Sage stood at the back door over heating. Back door hooks? nope. Front door hooks? nope. Skating backpack? Nope. Coat pocket? Nope. Ahhh! Shake that tote bag that I've been using as a purse for the last three weeks. Jingle, jingle. Excellent! Found them. Nobody looked as excited as i felt. What is the point of this paragraph?....I need pockets. Pockets with clear dedicated purposes. Pockets that will help me stay organized.

confession 3: I like to pack lots of stuff around. I drive a minivan (the GRAND caravan) and nobody has ever gotten into it and asked why I need all that space. Because there is always stuff there. I'm not saying I always need all that stuff with me...I think the kids body boards are still in the trunk from the summer... they could likely come out. But i like having it there. Point in case we went into my moms house last Friday. I had a bag of her Tupperware we had slowly pilfered, a bag with a change of clothes for both of the kids, a bag with mitts, hats and an alternate coat option in case it warmed up. I also had my backpack with me which contained any number of items that could or could not have been useful, including my wallet and dead cell phone, and kashi bars.

(quick review for those who have dozed off shannon's ideal diaper bag needs: lots of room, compartments with obvious uses, and to be sturdy and mess resistant.)

So after lunch Mom showed me the great diaper bag she had found (no really the colour was perfect for me subtle blues with a blue pattern on the front). And since she had already stopped at every possible store on the south side and looked at their stock (and chosen this as the best one) she suggested we hit one more store that was a block from the restaurant...just to be sure this was the one I wanted. OK, Shopping!

I was overwhelmed and terrified, and contracting which sort of added a spin on the trip. It was one of those stores where you threaten the children....Don't Touch Anything! then hiss repeatedly looking with your eyes not with your hands until you make it out and heave a sigh of relief that they hadn't broken anything. Don't get me wrong. The had some incredible stuff in there. I could have easily fallen in love with 1/2 of their products. But the stress of the kids possibly breaking a 79.99 white two step stool, was a little overwhelming at times.

Anyway diaper bags. They had a ton and they were beautiful. This one black and white pattern immediately jumped out at me and i adored it. But while sturdy, durable and easy to wipe off it did not address either of the other confessions, so with much resistance... I put it back. I was actually about to cave and go for something that I merely liked, when Mom (who had resettled both kids and I to a plastic table chair set) came around the corner with this bag that was....not something i would have picked up. It was silver and grey tones with yellow birds on it. Then, THEN. I opened the bag. As i did so the heavens burst forth with song (Compartments! So many compartments! All with obvious uses!) as I continued to open yet more! clever! useful! storage areas I started to get excited, very excited. I mean i was still contracting, in pain, worried about what the kids were getting into, worried i might be going into labour in the city, trying to focus but under all that ....my excitement shone through.

Now between the yellow birds and the sheer size of the bag I did have some reservations. Like...its huge. It has bulk and weight, empty....let me load that sucker up and it could get very very heavy. Plus you know... yellow birds. I do not own one article of clothing that is grey and yellow. So we went to another store with clearly inferior bags then turned around and went back. Mom stayed int he car with the kids, contractions had stopped, and i went to spend some alone time with the bag.

I had an epiphany in that store: I'm going to have three children. Three children four and under. Two children who will need to have a change of clothes packed around with them for the foreseeable future. Two children who will likely need diapers (or pull ups) packed around for at least the short term future. Three children who will need snacks (of various sorts), and entertainment packed around. We don't really do short trips. If we go into the city, or out to my in laws we go for at least a half day, if not longer. So I end up packing a change of clothes for everyone, warm or cold, mitts, hats, water bottles, snacks, books/toys, the list goes on.

This bag was the perfect size! It was not too big! Yes Hunter's needs are minimal...did I mention that I have a Canon Rebel? A large camera? That i will start taking everywhere again once there is a newborn here? Too big? Who was I kidding....it was perfect. And the birds? the birds sort of grow on you...they are rather endearing. I could see myself, with enough sleep deprivation, naming and talking to those birds. Those birds could be my friends. SO! I got it. Well mom got it, and is going to wrap it and bring it out after Jasper is born. Which will be that much more exciting when i get to rediscover the glorious pockets once again. All evening I've been looking at baby/infant/ stuff and thinking...I know what pocket that could go into! Plus...there is a mommy pocket....with a spot for keys. Marital bliss may once again descend on our household.

So I can't believe i just wrote nine paragraphs about a diaper bag. Although it is that awesome.
Its so awesome they made a video out of it. And because you haven't wasted enough of your time reading this: you can watch the video. No there are no yellowbirds on that particular bag, and their website isnt making it easy for me to get a picture but hello, key words: Crumb Vents! Monster Mommy Pocket! Antibacterial! Teflon coating!

See you didn't think I was able to write a post this long with out mentioning I'm still pregnant. Ha ha.

And in closing. I kind of enjoy watching peoples faces when they ask when my due date is. "Umm...yesterday." Oh!

This happened this afternoon while leaving the store (the first time) except the woman replied "yeah I was three weeks overdue with both of mine"
"what? why are you telling me this?!?"

Night!

things that are sometimes on my mind...

2010-11-07T20:54:00.003-07:00

-I vacillate between googling 'natural induction methods' while chanting 'get out now, get out now, get out now' and feeling totally ok with going another week.

-I considered taking back the whole homebirth thing so I could stop having the housecleaning/having snacks in the house to feed midwives be so high on my priority list.

-I spend most of the morning compiling mental lists as to why this would be a good day to go into labour: day light savings (longest birthday you can have...25 hours!), Tyler is home and would get to stay home for a whole week, all variety of family members are home, I feel rested, No school/skating to make childcare more difficult for my inlaws, blah, blah. Then in the afternoon I look at the clock, decided its just not going to happened and start compiling the next days list.

-at some point i've decided to ignore the possibility that i will go into labour before my water breaks. This contains my anxiety over every cramp/braxton hicks/gas pain. Because my water hasn't broken.

-Speaking of the home birth thing...the (HA i was going to say the closer my due date gets....but since that was today....I'll rephrase) longer I go without labour the less committed i am to having the baby here. Both kids took daylight savings pretty hard, and at about three I looked at both of them, red eyes, tired, cranky and thought...is it really worth waking them in the middle of the night and moving them to my inlaws? Or would i just get Nana to come here, and have Tyler and I go to the Birth Center. I was so adamant, whats going on?

-Speaking of the birth center, at one point today (one of the get out already moments), I asked Tyler if i just went and sat near the labour rooms...would that help? Do you think he'd take the hint?

-where did all the Halloween candy go? No really...Did i eat that much? Oh dear.

-one of my legs went purple today. No really purple with white splotches. I was sitting on the ground (apparently cutting off circulation to that leg) and when i stood up and walked into the kitchen Tyler freaked out and said...Your leg is purple...and it was.

-I am not looking forward to taking Hunter to preschool tomorrow. I feel gross whenever i walk in there...likely because I've had to wake up both kids and have forfeited any grooming time to oh...ensuring the kids eat something. Plus the added joy of having the....you still haven't had the baby discussion.

riveting isn't it?

Happy Due Date to me (and Jasper)

2010-11-07T08:39:00.002-07:00

Ummm..

Do I get cake to celebrate the due date?

S

welcome weekend.

2010-11-05T21:29:00.002-06:00

I'm really happy its the weekend. Actually I don't care what the calender says, if it means we actually get to spend some time with Tyler, I'm happy. He's been working crazy long hours, and I can't remember the last time a day 'off' wasn't tainted by 8 calls from work, or something that needed to get done at home or someone dropping by to pick something up. I'm grateful that he has so much work, and I know he's taking a week off after Jasper is born, but I miss having him here. The kids miss having him home. Plus if he does get a day or half day off he's so tired from the previous string of days, he's needs the morning to sleep it off. It would be really nice to have a full weekend. He worked 33 hours in the last two days. I don't mean to complain because it must be harder to be him than us, we just miss him but still get control of our days, he's running from project to project putting out fires and trying to stay above water.

I know part of it is the office dumping every job they 'need' him to do on him before i go into labour, knowing they need to wait a week if they don't get it done first. But man, I'd like him to be awake for the delivery part if possible. And I am completely grateful that most of the jobs (65%)they are throwing his way are in town, very very grateful. It adds a whole different layer of stress when I'm trying to give Tyler 2 hours notice, before i go into labour. Or two hours before I want him here. Plus its not easy for him....jumping every time the phone rings.

So there you go...its a weekend. Tyler is in town, and possibly not working. We have nothing on the calender (that's a good thing).

Now if i could stop with the terrifying dreams that I can't shake all day, and the overwhelming influx of scary stuff on TV, we'd be awesome. You know what? Either way tomorrow is going to be pretty awesome.

S

November. Yet more cervix talk.

2010-11-04T08:50:00.004-06:00

Welcome to November.

I had a midwife appt yesterday and it went fine. I'm 39 weeks 5 days. She offered to do an internal, but remembering how uncomfortable those were, I turned it down. It wasn't going to ballpark when Jasper was coming anyway...it was just going to allegedly give us a possible opinion on when Jasper decided to come if we would be comfortably able to give Tyler 2.5 hours notice or not. See it is possible to get lost in a sentence.

Cervix high, hard and closed? Labour will likely give us lots of time to call Tyler/have him drive home.

Cervix soft 4cm (dilated) and low? Maybe not going out of town is a good idea.

Fortunately I remember the 7cm check that said I was hours away from delivery (actually 5 mins). And the check earlier with Sage that said hard 2cm, then the midwife breezed in and did her own check (seconds after the nurse) and said, stretchy 4cm. Plus the multiple checks with Hunter that kept saying...9cm, 9cms...hours worth of 9cm checks. Plus I don't' know...I guess i'm not miserable enough to want to ....encourage things out of order. I had a membrane sweep the day before I started labour with Hunter. I don't want to start things rolling if they aren't suppose to start rolling. Christmas babies could be festive?!?

Live Blogging Halloween 2010

2010-10-31T18:35:00.002-06:00

Haunted house? Scary lawn decorations? You've got nothing on my house this year.

Tyler has painted a pumpkin on my belly and i cut the bottom part of a maternity shirt off. The size of this thing trumps any gigantic spiders the neighbour's have out.

Muhaha Happy Halloween.

Also recently considered that I'm likely developing a reputation in our neighbourhood...that woman who had her pregnant belly hanging out. Well...this is better than labouring while tyler gives out the candy...that would really add some sound effects. "That? oh thats just my wife, shes having a baby right now. Happy Halloween!"

Yes pictures to follow...mostly of the kids mind you :)

S

Grateful Pie.

2010-10-30T23:16:00.002-06:00

Wow.

Yesterday my Mom watched the kids all morning while I dozed, relaxed and had an extremely long bath in a huge wonderful tub with lots of nice smelling potions. Then she fed us a delicious lunch.

This morning (day of Tyler Hunting) I dropped the kids off with my mother in law who when noticing how pale i was, asked what time they go to bed, and said she would return them then. I floated in the pool, slept, cleaned, ate by myself!

All the housework is done, all the sorting i wanted to get done is done the kids rooms even got picked up. I was already mellow from the break at moms and tomorrow being Halloween is Tylers day to plan. I'm feeling rather spoilt and completely relaxed.

Is niiiiice.

No i will not trade either my mother or my mother in law, for whatever you try to bribe me with ...don't even bother.

dezested.

2010-10-28T09:22:00.004-06:00

Hunter's School Halloween party was yesterday

I've gotten horribly behind on the house cleaning, again. In fact it crossed my mind that if i just delivered at the birth center, I WOULDN"T NEED TO BE OBSESSIVE ABOUT THE HOUSE. I have this image of me calling the midwives "yes definitely in labour, can you come over in say...20mins I just need to finish scrubbing the bathroom."

I finally went to bed at 230am this morning. 730 was a bit early for Hunter's chipperness

because you care: I'm 38 weeks 4 days. I delivered Sage at 38 weeks 6 days, and Hunter at 41 weeks 1 day. Which means, roughly translated I'm going to have a baby in the next three weeks.

It also means that this baby is now (likely) well over 7lbs...and that's more of a head trip this time around when i know what that looks like.

Tyler thinks it would be interesting for me to go over again, just to see how big the baby can get. He is daily in awe of my girth...apparently its larger than the previous pregnancies.

Tyler also wants to go Hunting on Saturday I'm torn between wanting to be the 'good' person (its unlikely I'll be ok with him voluntarily leaving after I've had the baby, he's not going too far away, It's only one day, hunting season is relatively short and between this season and one fishing trip in the summer this is his only request for a break), and pulling my hair out screaming "are you kidding me?." I tried to be all rational last night and discuss it, but the screaming hair pulling version of me didn't remain as tightly leashed as i had hoped. Which likely contributed to the not being able to sleep until 2:30am.

So good morning, I'm still pregnant although there is now a limit on the time line when I'll be able to post that sentence, I'm pretty tired and looking forward to nap today.

Now that i have some brain function my response to the Hunting question should have been : "Yes dear, enjoy. The housekeeper, chef, nanny, children and I will get along just fine."

wearing me down...

2010-10-26T09:01:00.004-06:00

So the combined efforts of Tyler, Sage, Kim and someone else (i forget who) have had an effect on my subconscious. Tyler leads the charge to shake my confidance that this baby is (NOT*)**infact male. Despite the boy parts on the ultrasound (and the tech confirming them, twice).

Last night i had a dream that my grandmother was sitting on the end of our couch talking about 'her' even when i corrected her, or suggested that its unlikely...she just kept going on and on about the baby girl i was having. It pissed me off, in my dream. So I woke, and knowing Tyler would get a kick out of being on the same 'side' as my grandmother for once told him about it. To which Sage started chanting 'girl, girl, girl', I corrected her saying "She already is what she is, Sage". Tyler broke out in laughter before i even caught myself using the female pronoun.

Ha ha ha very funny.

I have 5 boy names i like, clearly Jasper is the one we plan to go with. I have NO girl names picked out. Tyler came home from Hunting insisting we choose a girl name....which fine I just picked something I liked that he also liked, not something I adored (Amber). And if i could stop saying she...then i think I'd go back to smug confidence and not really bother with a girl name, but of course I can't stop with the she now. Fantastic.

*didn't even notice this particular slip up, its been happening all day. sigh.
**yeah...see how my correction didn't make sense? That it was actually written correctly the first time? Right this is what happens to me late in a pregnancy...you should see me with milk dates.
s

Return to the water...

2010-10-24T21:00:00.002-06:00

Went swimming with the kids today. Not my best idea. Went with a friend and her daughter, but the place was packed so I was on anxiety riddled preventative mode. I think people forget that I have limited speed or agility, and must therefore always keep me (and the offspring I love dearly) in a 'safe/acceptable' situation. One I can somewhat call not dangerous. When I'm able to move I give both kids longer leashes and more freedom, even in a packed pool. But now? I need to be able to protect them from say, drowning. And that somewhat limits the unnecessary risks I'm willing to take with them. I also get a bit...neurotic about having them aware of the rules and following them, since that goes a long way towards me feeling like this situation is ok/safe/likely to not cause serious damage. Anyway I can check chlorine off my need to do in the third trimester checklist: 2006, 2008. This time there wasn't even the thought of doing butterfly. I did manage the stairs to the slide a few times, carrying Sage. I need a massage, or a therapist.

S

Not being negative... (I promise)

2010-10-23T10:51:00.002-06:00

1) I have decided the next week is just too busy to have a baby, this is not a stab at reverse psychology, the calender is full. Saturday is dedicated exclusively to baking/delivering Halloween cupcakes. Things calm down around the 5th... those strictly on baby watch can check back then.

2) Tyler quite seriously suggested that he may be home earlier than previously thought (Sunday morning instead of Monday night late). He followed that glorious announcement with ....so I could go Hunting Sunday and Monday, right? Because I'm being positive this post, I'll leave this point at that.

3) I thought the kids would be stir crazy by now with our do nothing schedule, the opposite seems to be true. They seem to be either coming down with something, or both having a growth spurt. A very late nap yesterday was followed closely by two tired kids dozing infront of the tv less than three hours later. Ok? They are also at each others throats in a way that is very (gratefully) unusual. I broke up two separate fights this morning alone.

4) we have a working tub in the basement! Yay! Way to balance out number 2 Tyler.

Check Please pt.2

2010-10-22T08:03:00.003-06:00

Oh thank goodness... (and sorry about the complaining)

I was having a distinctive deja vu last night reliving March 18, 2008. I had to roll over in stages, I couldn't even sit anymore, despite the incessant not sleepyness. I was trying to find a comfortable position to sit but there wasn't one...so i went to bed. I have abdominal cramps whenever I stand up, or stand for to long, or...really do anything. Two nights ago i was up with leg cramps, the vertigo is getting worse. I know that all of this seems worse because Tyler is gone. Because I know 'breaks' aren't on my horizon for awhile.

The good news: March 18, 2008 was only 9 days before Sage's delivery. Yes I know that could mean nothing for this pregnancy/delivery, I could hypothetically go....until the 18th of November. But right now I'm just taking solace in the fact that maybe the sleepless, painful nights are a sign that I'm going to have a baby.

Ha ha, Tyler will adore this post. He's been pulling for a Halloween baby since we realized the due date. Nine days from now is the 31st. In case your concerned...Hunter is being a Tiger (and Batman*) and Sage is being a Butterfly (and Princess*), assuming I'm still pregnant Tyler bought two tubes of orange face paint, I'll be a pumpkin, or at least have one sticking out of my abdomen.

*The kids will be their warm outfits for trick or treating (an event I haven't quite figured out given Tyler may or may not be in town, and I may or not be pregnant), and the second outfits for our cupcake delivery day (which also depends on my ability to drive and my drive to make cupcakes), and the school Halloween party.

I've got an idea.

2010-10-21T09:15:00.002-06:00

Lets acknowledge and discuss that my biggest fear in labour is being alone. Lets post that on the Internet shall we? Just see how that pans out?

In the span of three hours yesterday three people told me they were going to be out of town for portions of the next two weeks. Ha ha ha ha. Funny, right? Right?

Actually its not as upsetting as it could have been. Tyler is the only one who intended on being physically here for the birth, although it does undermine my level of...comfort? Feeling of backup? support? I don't know. My only lingering concern is that should I go while Tyler is away, will i know when to call? I've been convinced before (falsely)....but don't want to call unnecessarily. This is where water breaking prelabour is pretty convenient.

In other news have you ever made a new friend and been super excited about it, and maybe thrown yourself into the relationship with a little too much abandon? Chalking the awkward comments up to general social awkwardness....maybe overlooking things that made you feel...uncomfortable because (new! friend!) this doesn't happened very often? Except now the comments are bordering on...single white femaleness? And it makes you uncomfortable? I mean, I'm still 60% sure its just that social awkwardness deal...but if its not we are no longer treading on...uncomortable/embarassing but more like lock the doors and hide downstairs sort of situation. Anyway have a good thursday!

Present!

2010-10-19T21:50:00.002-06:00

Still here, and craving sweets. Chocolate, candy, twizzlers, yummm.

Actually feeling very good. After a convincing enough to call the midwife false labour episode on monday night, I'm ok with being here. I had a moment (after calling the midwife and my inlaws) when i didn't really want to come into the house. I just wanted to stay outside becuase....ummm...labour? again? seriously? Who's idea was that!?

I am aware how that last sentence sounded.

BUT! The good news is that after Telus ~~finally~~ fixed my home phone today, I was able to talk to both of my team midwives and was very...happy with the conversations. One asked 'in one sentence' (i had already run over my 30min appt by well...near 30mins) explain what scared you about labouring again? Point blank: I'll be alone and think I'm dying.

Ok. (fortunately she did not panic). Actually she promised that someone, Tyler or her or the backup midwife who would be there at the birth would be holding my hand through transition. Which wasn't something i thought would make a huge difference but since i started bawling when she said it, clearly it meant something.

She also suggested I practice grounding (to minimize the feeling of dying I suppose). I laughed at that because in the little over a year of meditation I've been doing, I've never been very effective at grounding. Mostly people picture roots, or sinking into the ground. Hot damn I need four anchors, lava rock and I'm still floating about a foot off the ground. No really, people tell me I'm a very ungrounded person. I try not to take that as anything but a compliment, currently liking my ability to easily dissociate. Where was I? Right.

Grounding, work on it. Have I heard about Hypnobirthing? Yes and I forced myself to get through the entire book, but I think the classes would be more effective. No! we have lots of clients who just use the book, and i think it would work well for you. But PLEASE call us before you start 'sinking deeper into relaxation' or 'dissociation' or 'hypnobirthing'. Call us, or have Tyler call us. OK. I'm sort of on the fence about the whole theory, being very turned off by the seeminly inactive role they want me to play. You're not suppose to push, but I kind of loved that part with the first delivery, it just felt so ...productive? Which is why I had to force myself to read beyond that first part. The other part that pissed me off is the emphasis on 'your partners role' damn, hypnobirthing partners have lots of jobs to do, including reminding the labouring mother to stay focused and relax twice as deeply. AS IF I would ever get Tyler to practice a meditation with me, weekly. Its just not something he is comfortable with, and in this...I respect his comfort level.

Weird stream of topics.

Do you have any chocolate bars? high fructose corn syrup with food dye? maybe just some chocolate chips?

5 reasons why that wasn't labour

2010-10-16T09:59:00.002-06:00

As dictated during the contractions to Tyler who seemed unconvinced by any of the excuses, considering at the time i was doubled over panting.

5) These are lasting too long.

4) These hurt too much to be 'early' labour

3)I'm sure if i just laid down they'd go away

2) My water hasn't broken yet

1)I did too much today, this is just payback for not sitting down

Despite those crappy reasons, and the fact that when i did lay down they settled into nice 7 min apart 45 second contractions. I am still pregnant. Reason number one was fairly convincing as standing up or moving around or pretty much doing anything beyond laying down and breathing made those contractions pile right up on each other and become very very painful. So i eventually waddled myself (not before putting Tyler on high alert), into the bed room and stayed there breathing deeply until i fell asleep. Then woke up...not contracting. Well that was fun. Either way lasagna is finished, and in the deep freeze.

Full disclosure..

2010-10-15T09:12:00.002-06:00

Or my attempt to be honest about how I feel.

Sometimes yes, I'm filled with the magical sparkle of end of term excitement. Every morning is a little bigger, every day has the potential to well...change our lives. That is mostly alot of fun.

Other times (or maybe always in varying combinations) Good Lord I'm Done. Done! Done! Done! Done and mad at my future self for forgetting this part of the end. The you've still got 3-5 weeks part. The exhaustion part, the can't sleep part, the restless but feeling that i can't do anything about it. Yes the end is near, but near and happening are so drastically far apart (optimist in me insists maybe not that far!) that it doesn't really feel near at all. I call Kim frequently just to hear her say...I'm getting good vibes...soon. And if I have to do that for the next five weeks, I will. Because it makes me feel a tiny bit better.

I know on paper that I'm not even 37 weeks yet (well...I know now), I know I went a week late with Hunter and should be expecting that, I know that getting excited about the potential makes the whole thing seem longer. But having those mornings where the sparkle and potential outweigh the how the hell am i going to get through another (day, week, month)? Or even having some sparkle and potential to get me out of bed is still a welcome respite. Even the novelty of consistent cramping/contracting has worn off. Instead of it being a fun sign that labour may be happening soon, its this other thing that knocks me off my feet and has me either in the tub or on the couch/bed laying down. Which when the kids need to eat, or we need to go somewhere, or its bed time ect,ect, isn't fun. Maybe there is some valuable lesson about balancing three in there, about making time for the newborn amidst the lifestyle we currently have. But mostly, until if follows through with actual labour, its annoying (though possible effective at thinning my cervix/preparing my uterus).

Plus this is the downswing...the upswing was a few days ago.

fun!
s

Lies, and more lies.

2010-10-14T20:16:00.002-06:00

My due date? Not Nov 4th. Oops. Nov 7th. Which means my 37 week celebration is bunk, and does not begin until...Sunday. Sunday. Awesome.

Its a Party!

2010-10-14T10:19:00.002-06:00

Welcome to 37 weeks, Jasper!

Today officially marks the day I can (barring any unforeseen circumstances) labour where I want, without any convincing. I spent a decent chunk of this pregnancy worried that we wouldn't get here, that this date would arrive with us already having delivered. I'm glad to report it was all baseless and unfounded. 37 weeks! Yay!

Sometimes when I'm stressed out or don't want to look particularly hard at whats going on in my head, I escape by throwing myself into other peoples stuff. I've been doing that all week and last night i finally decided to stop, I wasn't helping anyone or making anything better. I was just exacerbating the problem and making it bigger than it needed to be(and stressing myself out). In addition no resolution was going to be reached so i was essentially just stirring the pot, hiding in some drama to avoid something I didn't want to look at. Or maybe at this point it wasn't so much escapist as it was habit; well lets just step in and clean things up for everyone. Ha ha..I feel 100lbs lighter since letting it go. I love 37 weeks.

Tyler is getting pretty excited as well (or speaking of escapists), i called him this morning to see where he was working today and his first question was:

Are you in labour? Ahhh..no.
Could you be?

They've stuck him back at a desk for the day, and he was looking for an excuse to get out of it. He even asked if i could call back later and pretend to be in labour. Sorry man. Real thing only. This conversation marks a significant change...previously when i would refer to my water breaking/delivery he would roll his eyes. Now he's bringing it up. It's all progress. Plus I think the midwives giving him concrete jobs to get 'ready' for the home birth made him feel more involved? like it was seriously going to happened at some point.

Speaking of those midwives. I was laying on the couch and they were measuring my belly, when my darling Jasper decided to yank on one of the 8 (million) ligaments holding the uterus in place. It was so painful i leapt over to my other side, then up off the couch trying to get him to let go of the ligament. The midwife had a somewhat startled look on her face so I said....oof, don't worry its not a contraction he's just irritating something. She palpates my abdomen and says...actually this is a contraction. Ha ha ha. Braxton Hicks contraction but still...should I still be needing to be told I'm contracting on the third round? Clearly the answer is yes.

How does a 37 week fetus celebrate being 37 weeks? By moving back out of my pelvis and taking a few last shots at my stomach...or just squeezing the crap out of it so I get to relive the awesome awesome heartburn. Was up again from 2:30-4am admiring his dedication, and its right back to being awful today. Me, i was thinking brownies or cupcakes or something yummy. Clearly Jasper and I have different ideas about celebrations.

howdy, howdy, howdy.

2010-10-12T21:04:00.002-06:00

I had a fantastic midwife appt this afternoon. The best in three pregnancies, in fact. It was our home visit appointment, and by sheer coincidence Tyler was here. Which made it that much more fantastic. It felt good to go through stuff like; What are you doing with the kids? Where do you plan to labour? Whats your backup plan? I wasn't so thrilled with the segment that suggested i was strong willed and controlling and forcing Tyler to go along with me. But other than that portion it was really good.

Baby is engaged (although he's become unengaged a few times in the last week just to remind me what heartburn is, and have one last shot at actually breaking that rib), seems to be a decent size and has lots of amniotic fluid. When he is engaged, he has very clearly dropped....the angle of my stomach is less....straight out and more...downward slope. We went over all the stuff i've collected for the birth, I'm sure if she had a gold star i'd have gotten one. And surprise! if by chance the birth pool I've rented doesn't work out...what with it being 40kms from me and them not delivering it until Oct 28 (even the midwife raised her eyebrows....you think your going that late? ) I can labour in the newly installed tub downstairs, which is way bigger than the very shallow one upstairs though not nearly as spacious as the ones at the Birth Center.

Tyler had the chance to talk out all the contingency plans and voice his concerns which was a blessing, then as an added bonus he had someone who we thought was of the are you trying to endanger the baby ilk come forward and say meh, whatever you want to do, I'll be there if you'd like. Which was so desperately welcome I cannot explain it to you. It almost brought me to tears, after the strong opinions we've heard lately.

Speaking of tears. We were in Walmart the other day (i know) and I was looking for a picture frame, and found a really tacky plaque that said Home is where your story begins. And i stared bawling, bawling. Clutched the plaque and went to find Tyler (Yes hugely pregnant, crying clutching a plaque wandering around walmart) who had no idea what was going on, but managed to offer to buy it for me before rolling his eyes.

Also: One thing I love about this part of pregnancy. I know i draw it out but waking up every morning thinking...hmmmm I wonder if my water will break today, I might get to hold this baby today. Is even better than waking up on Christmas morning and realizing it is Christmas morning. Every day has so much potential. I'm not (yet) disappointed when it hasn't happened part of my brain can still read a calender, but that doesn't stop me from waking up and feeling that each day is a little special, bigger, sparklier.

Oh ...ha. The midwife asked during my appt if Sage dropped long before labour, or just before and my initial response was going to be....just a second let me check my blog. But I held back and said i couldn't remember. Every dork has their limits I guess.

(slightly) preterm late night training.

2010-10-10T03:13:00.003-06:00

Welcome to 3am. At 1:30am i woke to a very painful, numbness where sciatic nerve pain once lived. Lovely. Actually that's not true. I woke up to cramping in both my calves, and when i finally stood up (accepting that stretching in bed wasn't going to cut it) my feet and toes got into the act. ahhhh. Once i hobbled into the living room and the cramps subsided a bit i realized the sciatic numbness was a bigger pain than the cramping. There, now you know.

I don't really know what to do about it, (leg numbness/pain) sometimes it gets a little better. A full leg heating pad might work. If one existed in my house. I've discovered that both Tyler and Hunter talk in their sleep, and eating half a turkey after deciding meat and I don't' really get alone was...stupid. Despite this reinforced knowledge I'm still looking forward to round two tonight...Let nobody accuse me of learning from my mistakes.

My time is running out to reply to when are you due? with anytime after pumpkin pie. This is a good thing as...well I'm 36 weeks 3 days and mathematically speaking that's actually 3 weeks and 4 days from my actually due date, as determined by both ultrasound and my excellent record keeping. So...after pumpkin the pie tonight I'll just stare balefully at people when they ask. Even Sage who was 'early' was only 8 days early and lest I forget (would be very difficult as I blogged about it, and therefore am made to remember) I did this to myself with Hunter. So confidant I would go on my mothers birthday (April 14)....that it made the following month feel like one big overdue late thing.

Ugh...that was depressing. Don't reread the posts in the month leading up to both births. Lots of things are the same...I complained about the smell of Italian dressing in the computer room, and today i washed out a thing of Thai dressing i was sitting beside. Hips falling apart, inability to sleep, nesting! It appears that I am going to have a baby, sometime in the next 6 weeks. Excellent.

ok...uncomfortable numbness/pain has somewhat subsided. Going to try to sleep a bit before the kids wake up.

Thankful.

2010-10-07T23:26:00.002-06:00

Ok its a bit early....

In addition to the abundance in my life, this year I'm particularly grateful for Tyler.

Tyler who is willing to put aside his own fears and concerns to support me in something I'm passionate about. Tyler who despite pressure from those around him (me! sorry) is committed to living the best life he knows how, in the way that resonates best with him. Tyler who has grown so much in the last 8 years i can't describe the changes, as a father, husband and friend. Its easy for me to complain about little things that irritate me, or things that are a challenge for me to accept. But I really couldn't have picked a better person to spend my life with.

So this year...I'm thankful for him.

S

LIES!

2010-10-07T12:19:00.002-06:00

I wasn't done...or calm or zen. I was up from 12-3am, the only difference was I didn't have a list of things to do. Which led to me getting things done like:

-washing the vacuum filter...seriously. this included standing outside at 1am in my maternity pjs, banging the non washable part against a cement brick to dislodge as much of the dust as possible.
-packing an (emergency) hospital bag.
-deciding which (few) newborn outfits to take to the hospital
-dug through the numerous hats we've accumulated and picked out the smallest to pack
-doing/folding yet another load of laundry.
-collecting all the things the midwives wanted me to have here for the birth
-cleaning off the top of the change table, and making it the new home for all the above stuff.
-Writing letters to both of the kids pre-sibling arrival.
-Wondered if i should go out the the garage and unearth the infant car seat (decided no).

just as frustrating without the feelings of accomplishment when i can cross off the list.

Idle, but ready.

2010-10-06T22:45:00.002-06:00

For the last two? three weeks I've been ~~maniacally~~ nesting. I have cleaned out junk drawers that have lived happily with the junk for four years. I have ~~nagged~~ convinced tyler to put curtains up. I have organized, sorted, cleaned and put out 0-3 month baby clothes. I have for hte last week managed to maintain the house to a state that does not require me to frantically clean if someone is coming over. I have reached a never before seen point of being done all the dirty laundry in the house for a full 12 hours. I have sorted bills and paperwork left sitting for the last six months. I have willingly, pleasantly cleaned near constantly for the last couple weeks. Yesterday i hit some sort of wall. I'm done. I've got everything I needed to get done, done. There are a few bins that need to move down stairs, and sure the bathroom will need to be done again shortly. But I had 10 mins today waiting for water to boil, and i walked around the upstairs three times looking for something to do. The List has been completed to whatever standards I needed to feel done, and now I'm well... listless.

The kids are able to occupy themselves, especially with our schedule lately. They aren't demanding my attention every moment. The List is no longer hovering behind my eyelids preventing me from resting. Its sort of a funny feeling. An unnatural calm if you will.

Now Tyler will walk through the door tomorrow with a bag full of stinky Hunting clothes (laundry!) invariably four people make more mess than three, and I'm sure I can come up with a few things for him to do over the weekend. Plus the weekend of Thanksgiving, and turkey and visiting and chaos. Its not that i don't' appreciate the calm, its just so foreign to me now, that its unsettling. Yes i should sit with a cup of tea and enjoy the calm, revel in the calm. I just wanted to ...document this shift. From manic nesting to ease and calm.

I had a fantastic midwife appt today. Fantastic. I get to bring my chart home after my appt on wednesday next week. I'm 36 weeks as of tomorrow. All is excellent, and I feel good, within limits. If i choose to dwell the details of the homebirth they could easily drive me crazy...what if Tyler isn't home? What if my mil is working? What if its as fast as Sage? What if the birth pool doesn't get here? But i recognize that none of those thoughts will be resolved/changed if I expend energy worrying about them. So instead I'm going to sit and have a tea in the calm, while it lasts.

cheers.

having a homebirth...

2010-10-03T20:38:00.002-06:00

I've been hesitant to discuss this because I felt like Tyler was going to turn to me any moment and say "ha ha, kidding!" Then on Thursday night on his way home from work he stopped (unasked) and picked up the last of the stuff I was suppose to have according to the "planned home birth list". It's not a store I imagine Tyler felt very comfortable in, actually it speaks volumes that he didn't turn and run back out, much less that he found what i needed without calling to double check. The gesture has convinced me that he is actually on board, and so here we go.

I sent off my deposit for the birth pool. I know ...i didn't really use one for the first two, in fact lost my shit and forced Tyler and the midwife to haul me out of one the first time midcontraction, why am i renting one now? Well....I did labour for a bit in the tub the second time, and I'd really rather have it here and not get into it than be missing it in labour.

I've collected (thanks to Tyler) all the things on my list. I think. I should double check that tomorrow. And more significantly I've told people, in person. Which is a lot scarier than you'd think. It doesn't matter what anyone besides Tyler and I think, so long as we have the support of a midwife. But I'm still....apprehensive when bringing it up. So far I've been pleasantly surprised people have either turn out to be supportive (or indifferent) or else they've decided if we never talk about it again, it won't happened. Neither way results in lectures or shaming so I'm pretty ok with the response so far. Of course that being said, public shaming is always more effective than say private shameing...and its Thanksgiving this weekend.

The only thing I'm ...hung up on. Is the midwife. The practise has split into two teams of two, one is always on call so you are guaranteed to get someone from your team. I understand why they did it, so we could get to know our team through our appointments and hopefully foster a closer bond before labour. But the teams split up my favorite midwives. So they teamed off 1&4 and 2&3. I was put with 2&3 which I don't know, ok?. I know which midwife I would prefer at my birth and she isn't on my team. Except even if i switch teams it doesn't guarantee I get her...I could get #4 whom to be honest I don't really know at all...so her ranking isn't really fair. The other problem is that #3 is driving me nuts. I have somehow had all my appointments with her (suppose to alternate between the two team members) and shes super hardcore about diet, and diet and exercise and diet. Seriously I think i eat fairly well and now I lie about what I'm eating to avoid a lecture. Very mature, I know. Its mostly the 'treats' that are an issue...she thinks they should happened once a month....I think not. I think if I'm craving brownies it may actually be my body wanting protein, but my brain is very clear that BROWNIES are what it wants.

So I'm sort of flirting with jumping ship to the other team. But the kicker is that one midwife from my team will come to the house, and if possible she will bring a midwife from the other team (who is also on call) as a backup support. Which could make these last two paragraphs completely mute. Because #1 (who was there for both previous deliveries) could be there....or not in both cases. Depending on weather she is on call, or not and how many other women they have in labour. Oh and just to screw with my rankings...Tyler prefers midwife #3 (clearly he doesn't discuss his diet with her). Because of the four she has the most...medical model approach. Yes I am aware of how many women in this province cannot get in with the midwives. I am aware that I should be nothing but grateful that I am in this program, and that they are willing to do a home birth for me. If i lived out of town they wouldn't...too far from a 'big' hospital.
So yeah. There is a pretty big gap between #2 and #3....I was able to get to know 1&2 during my previous prenatal experience. Right...gratitude.

As a happy result of the nesting I've also; cleaned out four junk drawers (i love my kitchen), cleaned off the junk counter which sits above the four junk drawers (wide not tall), cleaned out and organized the 'pantry', finished* the laundry, including crib sheets, and 0-3 month clothes (and 6-12 month but that was an accident), found a new home for the table cloths, sorted 0-3 month clothes, and started a bin of maternity clothes that I just don't fit into any more. At all.
Written out both kids Christmas lists (anyone under 3 months takes a pass, right?), and my own. Which need to be submitted this weekend when we draw names for Christmas, at least on Tyler's side, I'll just look really organized and on the ball on my side. Except they read this (ACT SURPRISED!) Incidentally, if you do read this and get Tyler's name for Christmas? Completely disregard whatever his list says and get him new shirts, short sleeved otherwise he overheats, both dressy and casual please, please, please. I have a few stores I can recommend and sizes to go along with it...email me.

*I can type that in this precise moment, I know/accept that it won't last.

Skater Boy...

2010-09-28T20:47:00.002-06:00

Hunter loved skating lessons. He listened really well, didn't try to escape the ice once, and kept trying to stand up on his own. Then....near the end...he did it! All by himself! And this was his first time on 1 blade skates.

Yay Hunter.

I, I am a competitive jerk who will likely be banned from the rink in a few years. Damn it, I thought this stuff would only bother me if it was ME participating.

It's 8am.

2010-09-26T08:00:00.002-06:00

My kids are still asleep. In fact they have been asleep (except a brief Sage visit at 6:30) since they went to bed last night. I am awake. I have been awake since Sage came to visit. Am I being productive? No. I stayed in bed until 7:30 hoping I'd go back to sleep. No luck. So now I'm on the computer still not being productive.

I had a very confidant prediction that i would have this baby on the 17th of october. Mind you she has also confidant that I am having a girl, so make of it what you will. The only problem with the 17th of October (and its a minor one) is that there is very little time between now and then to get my list done. Plus the list keeps growing, so it makes completing it very difficult.

Tyler is working this weekend. I am ...upset about that. Not with Tyler, it sure as hell wasn't his choice, and not with the extra money because...well I'm in no position to complain about extra money. But I had sort of set up this weekend as my mental break weekend, my weekend to get all the 'big' (read: heavy lifting, labour intensive) things off the list. The weekend to have two parents in the house. It was my prep weekend to get through to Thanksgiving, Tyler goes Hunting for a week in there, which eats up any remaining weekends. Its really bothering me, this list. Which is likely some psych coping strategy, but I'd really really like to have it done before the baby is born. Which could conceivably be 7 weeks away, which would include lots of weekends, and lots of time to complete the list.

I did this with Hunter. Pushed my final exam earlier, cleared my schedule only to sit and wait, to get frustrated, to feel like i was way over my due date before it had even come. So I should really know better than to repeat the performance. But umm...that doesn't really stop me and its easier to work on the list than it is to pretend that the uncompleted list doesn't bother me. If people ask I still tell them November....and i even err on the side of late if they want a number (officially the 4 or 7th I say the 11 or 13th).

As I was standing up from the table the other day I had an awkward cramp, and i sort of grabbed my stomach. Tyler says "Are you alright?" "Yeah...my water just broke, ha ha". Bad joke infront of Hunter who has by now become well versed in labour and delivery. "YOUR WATER BROKE?!?! JASPER IS COMING??" Woah boy, sorry it was a joke, bad joke. Won't happened again. No kidding about the water breaking around Hunter ok?

Sage is awake. End post.

Harvest Festival...

2010-09-25T21:27:00.000-06:00

Despite Tyler working (surprise!) today the kids and i ventured to 'Harvest Days'. The kids were allowed to PAINT! large wooden cutouts of animals...which thrilled them to no end, as I almost never let them paint...Sage had to get out two years of tamped down painting creativity.

Hunter also loved it. What he does not love is sitting still for things like face painting. In fact I would have put down 50$ that he would NOT get his face painted. We even left him painting the ..pig? cat? and Sage and I went over to get her face painted (two PINK hearts, somehow not pictured). Then as the face painters are packing up and calling last call...my mischievous son ran off to the table....where i found him having this done..... note the glint in his eye. He knows he's surprising me.

He was so very thrilled to be spider man. Which is ironic given the only thing he knows about spider man is that he adorns one set of twin sheets in our house, and was an option for a toothbrush last week. ?? Still....being Spider man this afternoon...coolest thing ever for Hunter. It was even enough leverage to stop crying when Sage broke his balloon sword....if you cry...spider man will come off. He was also very good at washing it off himself before bed. And thankfully it came off easily.

What else did we do? Stage coach ride, actual blacksmith working, balloon animal woman (who almost gave me a heart attack...everything was free, except the balloon animals which where by donation. Having already accepted one, i was digging around for an appropriate 'donation'....all i had was a 20. I was not donating 20.00 for two balloon animals...fortunately i came up with two loonies in the bottom of my bag) ummm...we were 5 mins late for wood stove baked oatmeal cookies (boo). We saw more old farm machinery than i could name or even guess at the function of. I also managed to park as far as possible from the fair grounds (why?) so we definitely got our exercise...thank goodness i threw the stroller in....I couldn't have made it carrying Sage.

sick day..

2010-09-25T20:45:00.000-06:00

Now that we (seem)to be in the clear...this is what we did most of those days when one or the other kids were sick...portable DVD player, duvet, couch.

Morning.

2010-09-24T07:28:00.002-06:00

I woke up to Hunter laying beside me reverently placing his Hulk (key chain toy) on my pillow.

Mom...what was Jesus' mom's name? Mary.

Mom this is God (Hulk) and he was shot and died and Mary and Jesus are very sad, can you fix him?

ahhhhh.....

After launching into two incredibly awkward starts of 'who/what is god' Hunter stops me and says "Mom I'm just playing". These are the mornings I think I should start a coffee habit.

'nothing' would have been another word choice.

2010-09-23T07:37:00.003-06:00

Hunter woke up at 5:45, asking for some juice and maybe a cracker. Fever is all but gone, he's been out of bed since then. Hasn't needed another dose of Tylenol, yay. Yesterdays post brought to you by the letter U(necessary) and O(verreaction). He isn't 100% and we'll all be enjoying the nap this afternoon, but the change is remarkable, and I'm very happy if exhausted about that.

Guess that 24 hour...Sage's teething fever/stomach ache/headache business maybe wasn't actually from teething. Right...I knew that. Parenting, it keeps you humble. As an added bonus because I couldn't physically do anything about the sick, I ~~cleaned~~, ~~sanitized~~ sterilized that bathroom last night. I'd invite you to come marvel at the sparkleyness but i can't promise you wont' get a 24 hour parting gift. (No vomit or diarrhea!)

funny because what other word is there?

2010-09-22T20:29:00.002-06:00

Hunter refused breakfast this morning (clue 1), then was less than enthusiastic about going to school (clue 2). I sent him to school anyway (he perked up in the foyer!). Then 20 mins before school was out...I got a call from the preschool. "Hi Shannon? Hunter isn't feeling wel (Ok I'll be there in five minutes)l could you come pick him up?" I got there to find all the kids in a toy room, and the teacher sitting on a stool at the table, holding Hunter on her lap with his head resting on her shoulder. Usually the sight of me would have him in tears, of relief? overwhelming joy? irritation that we were leaving early? Today he just looked at me and moved his head to my shoulder as he was passed to me.

"So he wasn't him self right from the start, he didn't want to eat snack and I offered to call you but he wanted to stay, then he said he was cold so we put his (super hot fleece) coat on, and then he fell asleep on my arm while i was reading story, and i called when we were done story."

I'm sorry Hunter fell asleep surrounded by other children mid story? Yes. Thanks for calling.

We came home and he curled up on the couch with me, then fell asleep so i moved him to my bed. and He spent the entire day either laying in my bed, or on the pull out couch in front of the tv. All day fully dressed with two duvets on, if i moved one, even while he was sleeping he started shivering. He peed once at 7:30 and once at 3:00. That's it. He is refusing everything other than water, and that is under duress. He doesn't want medicine (but it will make you feel better!) or to see the doctor (but they will make you feel better!). If he was just sleeping it off, I'd feel a little better about this, that's what he usually does when he is sick. But he's not he snoozes for maybe 15 mins then wakes, he gets hysterical if i'm not within arms reach, hysterical. I can't find anything (I mean any) food or drink that will entice him to try it.

He says his stomach hurts, and anything but water will make him throw up. Under threat of doctor (who am I?) he just took a tylenol, and hasn't yet thrown up. I feel awful forcing medicine on him when I typically refuse it for myself. I'm always insisting he listen to his body, now not only am i contradicting that but i'm giving him the very thing I avoid. Mind you, if it bring the temp down enough that he can sleep you won't catch me complaining.

My eyes are burning. I loose all rational grip on ...reality when I'm pregnant and instead of recognizing this is just a cold or flu, he'll be fine. I'm all...OMG he pointed to his lower abdomen and said that's where it hurts Appendicitis! then maybe 90 mins ago he started freaking out over his arm. My arm hurts! it was the first time he had burst into tears in hours. OMG his arm! his arm! BLOOD CLOT.

It also reminds me of all the things I've been ignoring, OK thing I've been ignoring. He has...a discoloration on his larnyx? right at the dip in his throat. I was sure it was dirt for a long time, then it didn't wash off, so maybe a bruise. But now its sort of staying, but it really doesn't look like a birth mark, plus why would it suddenly show up at 4 1/2? Add random unexplained bruising to fever, extreme out of character, possible dehydration, arm pain, stomach pain....mix all that up in my hormone addled brain and you have no idea the things you can come up with.

I'm the last person to rush into the doctors office. Usually I need to be pushed. But i just...want someone to say...its fine. Its a cold. So i can officially stop worrying about this. They can even chuckle in a degrading way and pat my head if that's what it takes, another 'crazy overprotective mother story' for their cocktail parties.

So i'll be calling our dr tomorrow (depending on how tonight/tomorrow goes) and seeing if i can get him in. It means hauling both kids into the city, and fighting Hunter the whole way, but at least when we leave I'll be able to not worry about this? Maybe? Right?

smoothie disaster.

2010-09-21T19:57:00.002-06:00

I only make one flavor of smoothie. Banana, berries, ice. That's it. I don't add dairy so Hunter can enjoy it with us...and its pretty consistent. When i really want to up the kids Vit C...i add some Vit C powder...which is what i was aiming for tonight, then...tragity...I decided to branch out.

Mistake 1: Starting with a lemon gelato base. Seriously? Should have just gone with the ice cream, dairy be damned.

Mistake 2: OK...lemon gelato...what am i going to add to this? RASPBERRIES. Except they were the last of the raspberries i picked last year, and that batch was ...very sour. So essentially I'm adding sour raspberries to lemon gelato.

Mistake 3: Instead of abandoning the experiment at this point...I just kept adding things: Sugar (because holy hell it was sour), banana. (why not?), Mixed Berries (god somebody stop me). See how i was trying desperatly to get back to the original recipe?

Now in all fairness Hunter is on his....3rd cup, I pawned off a large glass on Tyler, and Sage and I are choking down a tiny bit. So its not all going to waste. But good lord. I remember why I stick to Banana, Berries and Ice.

burning heart...and sunscreen

2010-09-20T22:37:00.004-06:00

Hello Heartburn. All that...yay! i don't have any heartburn...lies. LIES I tell you. This may have been self inflicted as i had a generous portion of chocolate wafer cake at 3pm...and have had heartburn since...ok it let up about 39 mins ago...but still....7 hours? Shudder.

Tyler just ate the last of it right in front of me, and i wasn't even tempted. I was cheering, so that it would not be sitting in my fridge to stare at me tomorrow. Good bye chocolate wafer cake...see you after delivery... no wait....our flights to Hawaii were just booked, see you after Hawaii.

Speaking of...ever met a 33 week old inutero fetus with a plane ticket? I know one. He's giving me heartburn.

of sweat, hotness and teething

2010-09-19T20:11:00.003-06:00

Sage is cutting her two year molars. I can say this definitively now, but all day I've been saying "Well...she's either cutting her 2 year molars or shes getting pretty sick". Have I mentioned i have really healthy kids? Rarely sick kids?

Yeah, well...up all night with a fever Tylenol wasn't touching, pee the bed, puke in the bed, sit in bed and watch Hunter for awhile (so uncharacteristic). She didn't eat dinner last night, didn't even touch it. I convinced her to have a few sips of water through the night to keep her hydrated (even broke out the pedialite around 4am) so much sweat, and hotness. Then all day she was super lethargic, her and I had a 2.5 hour nap this morning, she didn't touch her food until dinner time (and then it was crackers). To say its been awhile since we've cut any teeth around here would be an understatement. But tonight despite insisting her stomach and forehead were 'sick' she was drooling like I've never seen her, so I declared it teething and did a happy dance, literally.

She still has a cracking good fever, but I'm cautiously optimistic about our sleep pattern for tonight, shes so exhausted it must weight on my side. Just for future reference: Sage and liquid Tylenol = gagging, and possible puking. Sage and chewable Tylenol = constipation. Sage's fever + Tylenol= no effect whatsoever. I didn't give her any all day today...what would have been the point?

I just walked by Hunters room and could hear him signing (while reading)..."Happy boys and Happy girls will be..." Umm...Hunter where did you hear that song? "Daddy played it when we went for a ride in the Jetta yesterday". My husband is a closet Aqua fan.

quick Jekyll run and Hyde...

2010-09-18T08:44:00.002-06:00

You never know who your going to wake up with around here.

Lately ~~the~~ my emotional ups and downs and mood swings have closely resembled what i remember pms to be like, for me. The last two days...good, balanced I felt like myself. Today? Its like i'm manic. Two loads of laundry folded, dishwasher emptied and reloaded, kids fed, sheets stripped, and my breakfast sitting in front of me (in the last hour). Its not the productivity that bothers me, but the need to be productive the really really strong desire to go shake Tyler awake and dump a list of to do things on him. Bring up the four loads of laundry i folded last night, i'll start putting them away. Go get the drywall to finish the basement shower, go get stamps and mail these three letters I've finally put together (after six months of staring at them). For the love of god just get out of bed and watch the kids so i can disintegrate into a whirling dervish of productivity. Because I need to get ALL THIS STUFF DONE, I need to keep going.

Nesting? Maybe. White refined flour i ate for dinner last night? Maybe. Messing with my vitamins to see if the new! fantastic! (note sarcasm) prenatals will not make my body crazy? No wait...isn't this crazy? ~~Knowing~~ Panicking because Tyler is leaving for the first week of October and feeling like i have a limited time to get EVERYTHING DONE before he leaves because survival is the only goal when he's gone? Oh and yesterday he came home with the news that he has to work both weekends between now and then. So i could be freaking out over that. This is a trial day...he's working from home but he needs to stay close to internet access so he can fix any emergencies. If it doesn't work today...he's in the office. Did i mention how much better/safer I feel when he's at home right now? Oh and I made a 36week list that needs to be finished before Oct 7 (when I'm 36weeks) but tyler comes home on the 8th...and if hes working every day until he leaves......whooosa...

worth getting out of bed to blog about...

2010-09-16T23:35:00.004-06:00

I had a really good day today. Nothing extraordinary except my head was in a good space, and my hips weren't killing me. Which i guess going into 33 weeks is a little extraordinary.

By 7 i was so tired, Tyler took pity on me and put me to bed, aww good night kisses from the kids. I can't explain to you the level of relieved stress when Tyler is in the house. Its more noticeable that way than as an increase when he isn't here. Sorry its hard to explain. But i just breath better when he's home, and two weeks ago i tried to blog about how nice it is to have him in the city....this is in the house. Yes its nice that i can talk to him and he's only 45 mins away, but when he is physically in the house? I just breathe better. It's not the physical help with the kids, or the emotional support (though when forthcoming those are both appreciated as well) ...I think its just knowing that he's here. Someone is here. If something happens i have instant, backup. Instant assistance.

Which makes me sound like a ball of nerves who walks around expecting calamity, I'm not, really. Plus and I don't know why I've never noticed this before...he makes me laugh, often. Which is something I've missed while he was gone. No adults in the house results in the odd chuckle over something the kids do, or something someone says on the phone...but to actually be caught off guard by something funny...to be startled into laughing? Its nice. Today he pulled out this one "I am not a hall monitor" delivered dead pan. Don't know Tyler? OK that joke didn't make sense. but it had me laughing for 20 mins.

Hunter's preschool is going really well. He loves it, loves school days, loves carrying his lunchkit to the car in the morning. Which is awesome. Still not sure how 2.5 hours goes so fast, Sage would really like it if i stopped hauling her around during that time, and just let her come home and sleep. Don't worry honey, by November...there will be lots of running back home.

Because two days a week of preschool isn't enough on our calender...we also signed Hunter up for skating lessons. Or is it because we are Albertan? Either way there was some discussion about initiation level hockey, where he could conceivably learn to skate, but I'm a little old school and believe skating is a fundamental (and very important!) skill for hockey, so we went with the straight up skating lessons this fall, and if he enjoys it, and wants to....hockey next September.
You know what else happens next September? Kindergarten...everybody freaked out now?

last thing: because if you go to bed at 7, then stay up in the middle of the night blogging, what was the point?

This Skating/Preschool/things on the calender mark a significant departure from my usual attitude about the post partum period. I believe i describe motherhood as an unknown abyss during my first pregnancy (so positive!), and you'd think after the ppd the last round I'd be less...optimistic? upbeat? But there is my November calender...looking oddly full given the 'deliver baby' written over the first two weeks. Don't get me wrong, I'm in the process of pawning off/getting help with most of the activities. Skating was planned in the evening so Tyler or I could take one (or two) children and the other person stays home with number 3, or two and three. Preschool parent helper day has been covered (thanks, Mom!). I just don't expect a full stop, I am capable of planning stuff (whether it happens or not is another question) beyond due date. I think that's a good sign? A good thing about it being the third, even when our whole world shifts to welcome a third, I will still be a mother to Hunter and Sage and that's a scaffold to work with.

Which reminds me. I know i haven't put up a belly picture...but i had another two people sincerely ask if it was twins today when I said I wasn't due till November. So you'd think, what with Tyler being here, and in the presence of my girth...he would be expecting a baby sometime soon? right? RIGHT? When we were talking about the skating lessons, or Hawaii in march I was making reference to there being three children to plan for...sleeping arraignments, entertainment purposes at the rink, ect, ect. And both of those times I've caught him off guard...three? Three? Right! We are having another baby. To say that makes me...nervous would be a bit of an understatement. Although the level of nervous is outweighed by the level of entertainment. Umm...Tyler what did you think was happening here? Did i forget to mention something? I know it was awhile ago...but do you remember the peeing on the stick deal, that is still relevant! So if you see him and want to screw with him a little...say 'congrats' and see how long it takes him to realize what you're talking about.

Update...

2010-09-13T12:22:00.002-06:00

So... 477.00 later, our furnace works! Yay!

-took Sage shopping, she loved it (this really deserves its own post so later.)

-currently compiling our "needs to be done by 36 week list"

-We have a working toilet & sink in the basement! That's two in the house! BIG YAY (challenges furnace for excitement)

-Hunter started, and adores preschool...slight drawback...only boy in a class of 9. As payback (?) he will not stop calling his teacher MR. soinso...no matter how often i correct to MRS. soinso. oops.

-One of my days to be parent helper is Nov 1. that could prove interesting.

-Other than a hunting trip in October, Tyler might actually be working in town right up to and including the birth (providing the Internet gods don't read this and choose to smite me).

-I'm going to Hawaii in MARCH! Maybe even over my birthday! (more about that later as well)

So 2008

2010-09-09T20:13:00.004-06:00

Its so 2008 around here. Which I'm pretty sure was almost yesterday, though my calender disagrees.

Sage has been up most of the last two nights with a 'sick' stomach, sometimes its downgraded to 'grumpy' but either way she's been up pretty much every hour. Aside from the grumpiness being contagious, there are benefits to being awake at 4am...allow me to digress...

I'm 31?32? weeks pregnant. My belly is its own furnace, and I am rarely cold. Even when we wake up and its 14degrees, I'm ok...the kids still refuse to put clothes on until I force them before breakfast. So I have intentionally not turned the furnace on yet. Tyler is cold. He gave up last night and flipped it on before bed, I'm cold! I'm turning the furnace on! During my many trips to Sage's room last night i vaguely noticed the sound of the furnace running, not the full blown fan kicks in whoosh, but the pervasive humming that precedes it. By the third trip i recognized it was weird that there would be so much humming, and so little whooshing. By 4am I had the mental capacity to recognize that not only was the humming still happening, but the house was not warm, and when i checked the air vents were not warm either.

This registered as bad...it was 4am, cut me some slack. So i woke up Tyler...not an easy feat, and said "hey wake up, the furnace is trying to run, are you awake? and i can hear it stay awake! but the thermostat says 13.5 and the vents are cold....Tyler I said the vents are cold. Do you want me to just shut off the furnace or do you want to go investigate?" Then i woke him up three more times until I was sure he had heard me. (He is a heavy sleeper). Still not getting any coherent response I decided to just turn off the furnace and talk to him in the morning.

Which leads me to right now. My father in law and Tyler are downstairs trying to fix the furnace which isn't working! Hey just like that time in 2008. Actually it sounds like they are trading off trying to fix our furnace and trying to talk their daughter/sister through changing a breaker? Awesome.

Well the good news is that it isn't January, nor -34 outside, nor should it be anytime soon. So there is no MASSIVE PANIC about getting it fixed right away. Like i said the kids still refuse to sleep in pajamas, so clearly the only uncomfortable one in the house is Tyler.

Apparently the census is that we will be calling a repair man tomorrow. OK. the outcome was better in 2008.

HEY! Jan 28th 2008 was two months and one day before Sage was born. Today is September 9, 2010 and I'm due in two months less five days. Maybe I'll go on the 10th of Nov. These are the things that entertain me. Night.

unexpectedly complimentary

2010-09-09T16:31:00.002-06:00

I love that these two parents who are radically different, have made decisions that they may struggle with personally, but made because they were the best for their kids. Sometimes the internet lines up nicely

Misplaced Mama saw her daughters first day of grade 1 in a traditional school, something she never expected.

And All & Sundry spent the last week homeschooling...intentionally and enjoyed it, something she didn't expect.

Fine...Maybe he's not that young.

2010-09-08T12:28:00.000-06:00

At 6:15 Hunter came into my room to confirm that today was infact, SCHOOL DAY. When i confirmed that piece of info, he launched into all the reasons why we should leave right now. And when that failed, he sat and told me every time the clock changed time. 6:43, 6:44, 6:45. I'm thrilled he was so excited it would have been a completely different day if we had to drag him to school, instead of him dragging me out of bed. Obligatory Pre leaving the house photo complete with new lunchboxes. (You didn't think Sage was going to pass on a new lunchbox did you?)

Waiting for the school doors to open. Hunter was still excited.

Sage realizing that the 'Welcome' extended only as far as the kids who were registered for the class. It took some negotiating but she did leave without any tears. Of course she then spent the entire 2.5 hours asking if we could go get Hunter now? Now? now? Every time we drove past a building that looked somewhat like his preschool it was "that Hunter's school? we get Hunter now?" He was met with a hug and a kiss from Sage.

firsts

2010-09-07T18:15:00.004-06:00

Hunter has his first day at Preschool tomorrow. Lightening McQueen backpack containning Lightining McQueen Lunch kit and Lighting McQueen water bottle are packed by the front door. Oh and his StarWars indoor shoes. Tragically the Lighting McQueen shoes were a size too small.

Why is nobody (other than me) walking around repeating to themselves (and anyone who will listen)...Hunter starts preschool tomorrow, Hunter starts preschool tomorrow, Hunter starts Preschool tomorrow? I mean really, don't you think he's a little young?

and he's home!

2010-09-03T07:44:00.002-06:00

I'm doing better, hello heartburn, and loss off appetite (actually works out ok...if i was still gorging myself the heartburn would be worse). Jasper was pushed up so far today his head was between my ribs. Morning to you, too.

Any suggestions on ridding the house of bird dander? Tyler came home and in less than 24 hours had a headache...woke up with a headache in fact. Which is sort of signature environmental reaction instead of food induced. sigh. Don't know how he deals with them.

Wishful thinking...

2010-08-31T09:26:00.004-06:00

Dear Tyler,

Today is one of those days. I woke up with hips so upset it took me a few minutes to figure out why i was crying. I'm nauseous, can't stand the thought of food or drink (?). And just incredibly tired (both kids were up a few times last night). Any chance you might do a half day today? Or come home a bit early? I'd really appreciate the help, nothing looks quite as good as crawling back into bed right now.

Thanks for thinking about it,
Shannon

But I can't even send that...because a)he has no control over the flights and b) he would love to play with the kids for a day, instead of sitting in his cubicle doing calcs. Sometimes this out of town stuff...sucks.

*edited to add: kept down oatmeal this morning feeling marginally better*

Advice from a seasoned pro (ha ha)

2010-08-30T20:23:00.004-06:00

If you are going to your very first Orientation Night for Parents for you sons Very First Year of Preschool please do the following:

1)RECHECK the time the orientation starts. (Big difference between 6 & 6:30)

2)Look into a mirror, after putting on that maternity shirt you were sure was long enough, before leaving the house. It might not be.

3) Bring all the things you may need: Working Pen, Enough Checks, Sense of Humor.

4) Consider all food choices for the day, prior to eating them. Eggs Salad and Cauliflower may have some negative gastrointestinal consequences you don't want to take with you into the confined area, with the other parents and teacher.

5)Jot down any questions you come up with prior to the orientation, so as to avoid standing in front of the teacher, unable to come up with any of the pertinent questions you had (which may or may not have been answered in the spiel you missed during the first half of the orientation).

6)Take childs health care number.

7) Prior to the orientation, if you are using childcare, confirm approximately how long the orientation will be. This will avoid you showing up 20mins after dropping the kids off, upsetting both babysitter and children. Alternatively have something you can do, even if flustered, when you have some extra time.

This public service announcement brought to you by the flustered, gassy, pregnant woman with the belly hanging out, who showed up late and unprepared to her very first Official Parent Orientation for Preschool,

Goodnight.

hmmm...

2010-08-28T22:10:00.002-06:00

sometimes i get caught looking for an old post and read what I've posted for the last few months. 98% of the time after I hit Publish, I forget completely. Its very therapeutic. Anyway, somehow I was mired in January stuff about Hunter's diet and whinyness. You know what? He's being super whiny again, and extra aggressive. Not so much scatter attention span, I PROMISE NO YOGURT HAS ENTERED THE HOUSE! But yesterday at Nana's he was using one stick to beat the crap out of a piece of subflooring (outside!). But now I'm wondering what's going on with the whining. I was blaming ....I don't' know what i was blaming but i was definitely ignoring it. Hmm..damn.
Looks like yet another diet review. Top (usual) suspects; sugar, food dye, yeah...that's about it. Interesting.
Night.
S

Pause to Brag...

2010-08-28T16:56:00.000-06:00

I have worked with Hunter on writing an H but otherwise have not given the other letters any attention. I asked him to 'sign' a birthday card today and this is what he came up with. Ok..it's backwards and missing a T...and likely not something he's going to reproduce for awhile...BUT LOOK! HE'S A GENIUS! BRILLIANT! CALL MENSA.
Ok just letting off a little maternal pride. Back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Pride (In the name of Rose) & Shame (my inability to read)

2010-08-28T10:11:00.005-06:00

This is a plant.

A miniature Rose plant to be precise. This will seem like an normal, unextraodinary plant to everyone else. However I recognize the significance of this plant. It is the first plant I've managed to keep alive. Usually, people give me plants (I know better than to buy them) they limp along while blooming, then inevitably dry up, and die. Over water, underwater, lack of attention, over attention...I have never claimed to have a green thumb. The most intimidating part of this house was the gardens, the outdoor plants! We've killed almost all of them off, and excavated the hardy ones that refused to die of neglect.

Weeks ago a friend dropped off this rose plant, in full bloom, I was having a really bad day and it was something beautiful to look at. Once the blooms crumbled into dust, I sort of waited for it to go, giving it the occasional watering, but mostly letting it die. It was on my kitchen table (no sunlight). Then I realized it was the only plant in the house. Even the bamboo died. This poor plant had to live. Lo I started making sure the soil was damp, and actually read the label on the original packaging....Full sunlight, ha ha ha. Now it sits in our south facing living room window soaking up all the sunlight it can. It has grown 1/3 bigger and! and! Look at this:

This is a new bloom! This is going to open into a rose. Can you believe it? I'm not delusional enough to declare myself plant savvy, or that this will last for long. But I'm rather pleased that its still alive, and growing, and hey...a flower, cool.

In other news...prego brain has been taken to new heights. We received this lovely noticed in our mailbox two nights ago...Major Construction! Shutting down your road! Repaving! For two weeks! Hot damn. The kids and i spent yesterday morning organizing the garage so we could fit the van into it, and asking my in laws to please come and pick up the Jetta as I couldn't move the heavy stuff to fit both in. Then today 'Construction Day!' rolls around and other than a few signs, we have no exciting! construction vehicles. Where is the entertainment value. So i pull out that notice, for the third time. They are repaving 56ave, 56 street and 55ave. We live on 54st and 53ave. See how all those numbers are different? Yeah, they aren't closing our street at all, which explains why the neighbours...haven't moved their vehicles. awesome. I read that sheet three times. How did i miss that? Sigh...good news? Our road isn't being closed, and the garage is more organized. Yay!

Sup?

2010-08-26T21:33:00.003-06:00

I'm 30 weeks pregnant. No really. I even looked it up.
It is thursday right? I flip on the thursdays, because the 4th of Nov is a thursday, isn't it? YES!
Ok. So.
A friend of a friend is also quickly nearing 30weeks and she's having all sort of prelabour (bed rest, stop working, vaginal swabbing, effacing cervix) stuff going on.
Its her first and I feel really badly, but am happy she is so far along, and has such great medical care at her fingertips (cervix?).

However the upside is that of all the varied and unique things to worry about during pregnancy, most of my anxiety and preoccupied fears this round have focused on....preterm labour! Like end of September preterm labour. Why the end of September? I don't' know. Were you here when I was sure I was having twins this round? Right, lets just communally pat me on the head here and move on. I dont' need medical evidence to convince myself of something. Though it doesn't help that at my last midwives appt instead of measuring a nice 28 weeks, I was 33. It was the head! Pushing up, while she was measuring! Really!

What?
Hearing about all the things this friend of a friend is going through has made me realize all of the preterm labour stuff? Isn't happening to me. So maybe now its time to stop worrying about it? ok.

genetic inevitability

2010-08-24T16:41:00.001-06:00

Sage's response to my sneeze:

"Mom, that hurt me ears!"

hmmm. :)
genetic inevitability

what time is it?

2010-08-23T15:36:00.002-06:00

Today sort of got away from me. Its 3:30. Usually we are planning the afternoon, refreshed from nap, ready to go again. But today...nap didn't happened. Lunch was super late. So now we are burnt out, at least I am. I still have about three things i want to get done. But standing up off the couch to get to where I need to be to do the jobs. Heck, I've sent Hunter downstairs twice to check if the dryer is done, saves me from walking down unnecessarily. I really underestimated how much I need nap. Oh well. Progress was made, I guess that will have to be enough for today.

S

ahhhh.

2010-08-22T20:46:00.002-06:00

Relief.

My 20 point to do list? Is nearing completion, or at least today has seen so many of those jobs checked off, I feel like its nearing completion.

Tyler hung the 'new' outdoor light at the front door. The one that was up since we've moved in...was a bare bulb. He also took down the rusting mailbox and replaced it with a new one that has been sitting by our front door for, awhile. The living room was rearranged and the couch I wanted up from the basement is up. The toys are tucked away, but within reach. I sold the piano...did i mention that? Anyway its been gone for a week now, and it makes such a huge difference in here. It was cramped before, now? The kids can actually run around the living room without crashing into something.

Tyler is some sort of visuospatial god, because our tiny bedroom has somehow expanded to fit a bookshelf and lazy boy (nursing chair). The former ~~ensuite~~, ~~laundry room~~ , ~~meditation room~~ , well....the former ensuite now houses the crib and baby stuff.

The basement also got a partial shuffle. But really the living room, it just makes me feel good. Like a brownie ice cream sundae good. Sigh.

The rest I can handle. The most frustrating part of this pregnancy is the ....limitations it puts on what I can do. I know people have it far worse, and I shouldn't complain. But 15lb? I'm only allowed to lift 15lbs? My laundry baskets weight more than that. With Tyler gone all day I'm just overwhelmed by the things I shouldn't be doing. Today saw most of them done so now I can move forward without lifting, much.

I had someone say to me yesterday "It's too bad you have such hard pregnancies", it really shocked me. I don't think I do. Yes third trimester...hips fall apart. This round I've also been having some sciatica pain in my right hip, and way more emotional ups and downs (mostly downs) than i remember in the other two. I guess there are more food sensitivities, and I know I've been tired and less active. But really I'm still (mostly) keeping up with a 4yo and a 2yo, and I'm still getting stuff done. I'm pretty happy, and grateful that I'm able to do as much as I am.

soft gooey insides.

2010-08-20T22:21:00.002-06:00

Humans are odd. So soft and sensitive on the inside. I'm one of those who gets her feelings hurt over every thing. Takes offence for every slight. Or maybe i was? Or I'm trying to be not so much? Either way. Tread carefully with each other ok? It doesn't matter if that person looks like they have a bullet proof shell, or like they won't care, or they had it coming, or (sigh) they deserve it. Go easy, go gently.

tiny takeback.

2010-08-15T09:55:00.002-06:00

Ok...I pulled up the pictures of me in the third trimester with both previous pregnancies, and made Tyler compare...turns out that i am slightly bigger than I was with Hunter.
Like maybe despite being 29weeks, I look more like I did when I was 38 weeks with my first pregnancy.
Which brings me to being 29 weeks. !?! That means I'll be the magic number of 37 weeks in...8 weeks? 8 weeks? I was thinking I had 10 weeks, of course I could have 12. Either way that number seems smaller than I was expecting. Ok I guess my furniture moving was justified.

So sorry for my rant yesterday, it seems it was, uninformed. At least i wasn't' rude to any of those people.

revoked virtual foot stamp.

S

bangs, and a foot stamp.

2010-08-14T20:58:00.002-06:00

So...I went in to get my hair cut this morning, and its the first time I've been to a new (to me) hairdresser in two years. I was all...lets keep the length and please don't take out to much thickness, and mostly just a trim. Then I got into the chair, the chair or hair cutting. I didn't want to get out of that chair with a trim...that defeats the purpose of hair cutting. So then I suggested we 'cut it all off' or 'take it really short...to take advantage of the last three months of curls'. The woman I met yesterday suggested I do it in 'stages' ha ha ha, clearly she had just met me. Nope...lets cut it all off, and hey...what about Bangs? A la...Katie Holmes/Cruise whatever.

So that's pretty much what we did. Its an angled bob with full bangs. The length change didn't phase me, though it felt much much better when she got it all above my shoulders. The bangs...a few heart palpitations. I'm pretty sure I was 8 the last time i had a full set of bangs, so this is definitely new. I would have preferred them....slightly longer, but they will be in a week so I can wait. I also prefer a messy look to a flat ironed one...it sort of feels helmet like with the extra weight on the front. But I do messy better than I do flat ironed so this works in my favor. Plus this has the added advantage (and the fact that decided the cut) of NOT GOING INTO A PONYTAIL. Seriously every. single. day. I wake up in the morning, put on my glasses, put my hair in a ponytail. Foiled! elastics will no longer help me. Bring on the curl enhancing product for right after the shower, and air drying. Ha ha, Tyler's comment was 'you have bangs. You look....sixteen'. well then I guess I'll blend in when the next twilight movie comes out, and you'll look like an old man of 30, HA HA HA.

begin foot stamp.
My sister had her baby shower today. Which apparently marks the first time I've been out and conversed with people in awhile. Please don't tell me how big i look. How you think there is no way I'll make it to November. Please stop squinting your eyes and cocking your head to the side when I say i have three months left. And for the love of god, don't even breath the word twins (TWICE TODAY) If you remember I was all excited about the twins, Shannon wanted the twins, then with the not being twins. ITS NOT TWINS. Lady in line at Walmart, this includes you. I'm sure you are very nice and mean well...but really I'm not that much bigger than I was at this point with Hunter. This baby (as did Hunter) is sitting really low, and chronically pushing outward, so my belly is usually hard, and generally shaped pretty funny (what with the bum and head and elbows that like to make appearances sometimes). It's ok. I have no control over it anyway. We are completely prepared (well, we have everything short of newborn diapers) for the baby, so we are not panicking because you predict imminent labour. Both of my kids went full term. Hunter who this baby is taking after was a full week late. Don't get my hopes up I will go early, it sucks even worse being late when you expect to go early, I know.
end foot stamp.

astrological weird thing...

2010-08-14T07:06:00.003-06:00

I'm not even googling it. But let me say this...sleep has not come easy in this house over the last week. Two nights ago,was the most intense...awake and unable to do anything about it. Tea at the kitchen table, communing with whomever was visiting and unable to stay for daylight. Raspberry tea, afraid to get out of bed to see what I'd find, invigorating, inspirational, motivational but no sleep. Then when it was decent, a call to my mom, also up all night. Anyone else? Was it a global wake up party but only for your kitchen? I don't' know whats going to happened in 2012, I don't know whats going to happened today. But some days seem charged to me, like they have more gravity.

Babe feels it too. He's constantly pushing out, down. Its not uncomfortable, I have no heartburn. But such a rush! Always in a rush this one. Here four months early, determined to grow faster than it seems possible. Your welcome to be here, I'll do what i can to help. I eat more and sleep more and move less than i did with the other two, conserving energy? Focusing resources. My ass gets kicked harder if I don't comply. There was negotiating room with the other two, space to carve out me as well, this time...as long as me can be carved while sitting and eating or resting, go for it. Its more internal, introspective, how deep can you go?

God he's wonderful, and already here. Already a part of the family, not by our early naming or discussions. He's just here, part of it, functioning. I couldn't imagine life with a baby, before Hunter. It was...nebulous, uncharted. I couldn't imagine balancing two while i was learning Sage, but this one? This one is already carving a spot of his own. nudging aside time and space for himself. Its ...bigger than i have words for. Hunter as he's going through some baby books just now "Tiny Baby Feet! I can't wait to see Jasper's feet!"

I don't wear makeup, I don't really spend time on my hair. In my house, or with my friends. I'm ok with that. It genuinely doesn't bother me. But then sometimes I am. I feel wounded by others choices. Wounded because I'm making a different choice? I'm not sure. There must be a healthy does of insecurity, because feeling judgement is really just being unsure of ourselves. Feeling like I'm less for lack of a regular application of lip gloss. Lip gloss of all things. Don't' underestimate my ability to project. It's not me, its you. You with your need to cover, and distance and protect. To perfect, and primp and I love to delve into your psyche. But really where does that leave me? You are happy with your psyche, I'm the one that is uncomfortable.

This skin is stretching, reddening, blotching. It gives in unexpected ways, some days i have cheekbones, some days a third chin. Its easier to pass by, to not look in the mirror because I'm pregnant. Things will reset. Even though i know they won't, not completely, not for me, not anymore. I plans for more triathlons, and weight training. I know I will move again, to stretch and challenge myself because i love it. But it won't be the same, and maybe I'm ok with although sometimes maybe I'm not.

So i am grateful. Grateful for being aware that I'm sort of ok with who I am, and how I look. Grateful that I'm given choices, examples of other ways to be. Because part of me wants that, ~~designer~~ clothes, ha ha! clean, fashionable clothes, chronic gym attendance, coiffed hair and makeup and waxed eyebrows dyed into existence. But a bigger part of me can't pull that off, its not who I am or what I choose. If i was honest its never been me. Can i let go of my desire to be someone else? (now embarrassed over the existence of my eyebrows...a three week darkened reminder of my own self judgement). But meh! today I also have a manicure booked, one that I will enjoy. Delve into that.

ha ha.

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