It was a wonderful thing that tyler was able to come with us to Ontario early in the summer. But in 70 days since then, hes been home for 12 days 3 of which we left the house at 7pm to drive him back to the airport. 4 of the remaining days were at family gatherings.
I have no idea how single parents do this.
I consider myself a fairly tolerant person. I love my kids and have decent sized ability to play games/listen to made up stories/ pretty much parent responsibility. But the last three days? I'm beyond empty. I cannot get through one more Sage monologue, generally i find them charming. If Hunter looks at me and whines 'I dont' have anybody to play with me, why wont you play with me?' I may give in to the darker responses that have been surfacing as of late. They are not pretty. Jasper is like this cherubic ray of sunshine, honest to god.
Hell tonight i used the excuse of picking Tyler up from the airport at midnight to justify a 6:45pm bedtime for Hunter. Usually its closer to nine. Of course it didn't actually happened he stayed up crying until much later than 6:45, but at least the crying was in his room and i didn't have to bite my tongue or fake compassion.
And they know it. They know i'm frazzled. They are sick of dealing with me. so its an ugly downward spiral. Today was about...a toy. A Mack truck Hunter wanted. Usually it would have been a short conversation but i didn't take the high road, i engaged and hell it exploded all over the place. In addition to that fun Jasper is...teething? Growing? I dont' know he wants to be held, all the time. So Mommy's already overwrought patience is that much thinner. Sage is heartbreakingly compensating by insisting she is a baby. (I get it, baby getting more attention, delayed new sibling reaction, roll with it and it will dissapate on its own.)
Usually i would deal with this is a compassionate mature manner, understanding the needs im not filling for her and blah. blah, blah. But at this specific moment in my parenting journey, it is met with apathy and irritation. Which is why she is right now sleeping in a playpen in her room, and eating some meals in the high chair. I drew the line, loudly and with a harsh tone about the diapers. Thinking i had at least stood my ground on that one, i was blindsided tongiht. I was giving Jasper a bath and Sage came in to use the toilet forgetting she had SECRETLY put a diaper on (and not one of her left over princess pullups, this was a full on huggies size 5) busted.
I just stared at her dumbfounded. I tried to pull the horrified, pissed off panicked look off my face but it was hopeless. I at least managed to consider if it was worth freaking out about before responding.
Shannons initial (internal!) response:
What do you think you are doing? this baby stuff has gone far enough. NO more diapers, no more playpen, no more high chair. GROW UP. you were in such a rush to do it in the first place, ripping your diaper off the minute you were in bed. WTF? You are not going to Preschool in a diaper, do you want me to cancel preschool? AND DANCE? it went on .
fortunately it was in my head. Although now i think she was likely looking for boundaries and maybe walking a line between the initial inner dialogue and complete apathy would have been a better way to go. Sigh. Oh and because I couldn't sleep unless I added this: I never talk to my children like that. Really. I am a little horrified that it ran through my head. It drove home how very much i need a break.
Really about Jasper.....sunshine, rainbows, and giggles. If there is such a thing as a zen baby, I have him, and im never letting him go.
With great relief, in an hour i will wake the kids up, strap them into the van and go pick up Tyler. I may pass out at that point and remain unconscious for the next 14 days. Kidney stones, you never get them when you want two days on morphine in a bed. (JOKING!)
To end this buoyant bubbly post on a high note. Jasper is sleeping much better, everyone is sleeping pretty ok. I only get up twice most nights. So that has been a wonderful development. Jasper thinks Hunter is the funniest person on the planet, his belly laughs fill the house. Sage and Hunter are both excited to start school. They start on Friday. Sage with her regularly scheduled two hours every friday and Hunter with an afternoon of staggered entry, only five other kids will be there. The next week Hunter is in full days 2 days a week, and a third every second week. Sage also has Dance starting Monday. I found a highland/ballet for 3 year olds. Maybe almost makes up for my behaviour as of late. Im also suppose to be registering Hunter in a sport but my schedule is already freaking me out, so I'm dragging my feet. Plus i think he is going to be so,
YES! Tyler just called and hopped onto an earlier flight. YAY! goodbye.
S
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