Lately I have been pushing Tyler to share things about himself with other people. Things that he didn't initially feel comfortable sharing for fear of how people would view him. I may not have been super compassionate, believing completely that sharing would strengthen his support network and level of self acceptance. I believed that the reaction would not be negative and would allow him to feel more comfortable around the people who were close to him, and in his own skin. Owning all of his personality not just parts.
Imagine my surprise when he turned the tables and accused me of doing the exact same thing! But people will think i'm crazy! Nobody will understand! People won't like me! They won't believe me! There i was, parroting all of his arguments.
Now clearly the Internet is a different venue than family or close friends. A vastly different venue. However as an odd quirk of my nature I am more comfortable on here than in direct face to face communication, with most people. If you think I'm crazy because of something you read here you can 1) Stop reading and having any contact with me or 2) Pretend you didn't read it. Nice and easy. No controlling your shocked expression, I can't even tell if you stand up and run away from you computer screaming. So....here it goes.
I'm psychic, or a witch, or empathic or something.
I can channel spirits (though i try not to until i get some actual training), I can usually tell what you are feeling. Not YOU. But if we are in the same room, or i'm talking to you, I can generally get a feel for your mindset. For example...if you are lying or hiding something...i generally don't know what it is, but you can be pretty sure i know there is something you are not sharing. I pick up pretty easily on peoples energies, (which gives me a good guide into their mindset/emotional state). Unfortunately im' still learning to let go of other peoples moods, if Tyler is anxious or worked up...it takes a huge effort on my part to not get sucked into that. I can pick up on past lives, and sometimes project goals and big picture ideas for this life. Umm...yeah there is probably more but i can't think of it right now.
Which brings me to my actual point. All the other stuff...its not 'normal' normal, but if you hang out with psychicesque people, its not completely abnormal. Hell there are tv shows about mediums, and psychic hot lines and shit, so while some people call bullshit, there is a pretty large contingent who accept these abilities.
Now...here is where the psychics start thinking i've gone off the deep end....
I knew Jasper energetically before he was born, before I was even pregnant with him. He showed up mid december, and sort of hung out. But not in a freaky, door slamming lights turning on, upsetting way. I thought i was losing my mind because i was having all these pregnancy symptoms, sometimes not even early pregnancy symptoms. Tyler and I were on the fence about a third child, so i was...ahem, not trying to get pregnant. I would wake in the middle of the night rubbing my 8 month pregnant stomach, only to realize not only was there no 8 month stomach, I wasn't pregnant. I took countless pregnancy tests, trying to find a reason i was so convinced i was pregnant. Trying to find a rational reason I was so convinced i was pregnant. By the end of January (and after a conclusively negative blood test) I was at my wits end and convinced i was losing my mind. I felt pregnant in a way i hadn't with the other two...but biologically, scientifically I was definitely not pregnant.
There were markers of me being an empath in my teenager years, but i didn't recognize them. I had no idea or desire to be psychic, or channel or any of it. Infact while i was recovering from the ppd I went to a meditation studio to find a way to calm my mind. I went to find peace and calm. I'm grateful for the man and woman who ran that studio because they helped me (are still helping) me understand and adjust to being this me. Everything 'opened up' (as they say) after Sages birth, after the ppd. Despite many unexpected experiences, and 'crazy' things happening in that time nothing made me think i was out of my mind. Whether it was the ability to deny it all, or the ease with which i could walk away from it. I felt ok because it was just this thing that i did sometimes and well maybe it wasn't really happening anyway. The experience with Jasper was completely different, it wasn't a vision or a dream (though both of those things happened as well) it was physical sensations, a baby shifting in utero, a tendency to unconsciously hold my abdomen. My body was getting on this train that my mind had been on for awhile. And while i could deny dreams or visions or mental experiences, the physical sensations, the pure conviction of what was happening was undeniable.
So i asked questions. I asked the man and woman who ran the studio, they guessed but nothing resonated, nothing they said felt right to me. Its funny once I started down this road i found myself surrounded by people who were open and supportive, most even had similar gifts. So I asked my acupuncturist. Who before i said anything looked at me (In early January) and said 'are you pregnant?' I broke down into tears because i was so relieved i wasn't the only one who got it. She gave me (what is now) and uncanny description of Jasper's personality. I asked my naturopath, who visibly shivered then parroted the description I felt and the acupuncturist had supplied; easy going, happy, a zen baby, he's just hanging out, cant wait to be part of the family.
Of course nothing is 100%, there was a consensus that i wouldn't be physically pregnant until May, in reality the blood test i took at the end of January (another not pregnant!) was the last negative one i took. I was pregnant by the middle of February. Oddly enough I had completely accepted the May guideline. I was as shocked as anybody when in mid march (and at Canyon Ranch with my mother sister and aunt) I started having pregnancy symptoms (emotional! curly hair! barfing on plane!). I was so unconvinced i waited a few days after getting home to even do a test. It was March, not May. So just remember nothing is 100% especially when time lines are involved.
I wish i could convey what it felt like to know Jasper before knowing him. His energy was the same, as a visitor, in utero and now. It wasn't that i 'got to know him' as an energy/spirit, but i recognized him. I recognized him immediately as someone i adored. You know that feeling when you see someone and you feel like you know them, you feel a connection? Even though in this lifetime you haven't known them....it was sort of like that but really intense. I loved him like i love Hunter and Sage, instantly and completely.
So there you go...I'm out. Please no broomsticks for christmas presents this year.
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