dear internet.

Like diary but so much more public.

This is likely to be a bit ranty, sorry for being absent then returning with a rant.

I'm getting sick of pretending to agree with people. 

like when someone says:

Its a bad time to get a dog.

or

You definitely shouldn't have any more kids

or anything that starts with or includes the phrase "you couldn't handle"

I feel badly for my support people who hear the brunt of the 'I'm tired/exhausted/overwhelmed'. They must think,  shit I don't know what they must think. Tyler also hears those things but he seems to have the confidence (?), the awareness (?)  that yes I feel in that moment tired/exhausted/overwhelmed but the moment will pass and in telling people, in sharing that moment I dissipate it, move through it.

I spent the last two weeks? thinking i was pregnant. or at least that there was a high likelihood that I was pregnant. And you know what? Other than one panic filled moment, I was ok. It was ok. Wasn't planned, but ok none the less, it even boarded on good and exciting. So in short: I do not abhor the idea of having another baby. I don't know if I will have another child, maybe/maybe not, but the idea isn't ....distasteful or fearful. 

The worst part of this is that I feel there is an expectation that i will be done already, and part of me wants to bow to that. I wanted so badly to bow to that I gave away my maternity clothes (meh that went ok), I tried to give away the baby girl clothes (not good, got them back). I even packed up all my nursing tank tops (panic, tears, put them back), and tried to wean jasper. I choose to do these things because I wanted to fit the expectation. I have refused to say "yes, yes I promise no more babies*" because that's not how I feel. But that seems to be the bravest I can be, to not say something, or not go through with an action. Why can't I just speak my truth, which is: I don't know, Maybe.

(*ok...once i said those words)

Intellectually I understand the argument. How much can I take on? am I reaching a limit? am I beyond a limit? am I willing to risk mothering another child at/on/ or beyond that limit? Really it comes down to what I can handle, or at least what I believe I can handle.

oh! but they are just looking out for me. They just want me to be OK. because I had all these moments, these moments where I was stressed, overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, angry, exhausted, moments that stretched into hours and sometimes (but only rarely) days. Look at all these moments! How could you think you could do any more, when you are barely hanging on as it is. 

But I don't think I am barely hanging on, in the grand picture. I think im doing ok, great even. And not just "I'm doing ok with all these conditions"(three kids so close together and a husband who works out of town). Like, I'm doing a really good job parenting these kids, period.

Really though, this isn't about more babies, or a dog or how others view my ability to handle things.

Its about why I need to seek others approval, to get reinforcement, to be heard through those tough times.

Why is my sister's conviction that I should be giving Jasper formula something I cannot put down. Its like this ankle weight that I carry constantly. Feeling the need to justify my decisions. I know what I am doing is right for him and me. I know I am making the right decision with the information I have right now. But despite that, I still have this voice, the power of her conviction, and it nags at me. Makes me question myself. Why do I let it? I wish i had her confidence, instead it leaves me rattled and unsure seeking external reinforcement for my opinions and lots of it. Why?

And again the bravest I can be when faced with that conviction is to say nothing, to acknowledge the information. Why can't I say. "No, formula is wrong for him, I can't give you a solid case because I feel this, its in my bones, I just know." Yeah I can try to explain but at the bottom of my argument is always, because i feel this way is right, because this resonates with me. Which isn't backed up by a study or research, and quite frankly it doesn't make sense to alot of people. But its the way I parent, and so far seems to be working for me.   

I don't like the part of me that stays silent. That doesn't speak up or defend or assert or protect. The part that slinks away leaving the impression of compliance, and a bad taste in my mouth. Knowing i've intentionally left the wrong impression

And yet here I am boldly typing away on the Internet. Maybe this counts as a baby step, maybe its just another way to remain silent. Either way it helps me. Helps me to flush out ideas, to think them through from a different perspective.

Thanks for listening internet,
Me.