Ok, hi. Forgive the formatting and weird capital letter placement and odd word usage Autocorrect is screwing with me and despite all the hype....there is not an app for this. Blogging: not easier with an IPhone. And I lie in the last paragraph... The poem was ' I shall wear red, with a purple hat...' google makes up for the things lost in my brain.
I have a five year old, three year old and six month old.
It just had to be said.
Have you ever watched one of the weight loss shows? When the person has lost so much weight, but cannot reconcile themselves to their 'new' body. They struggle to accept that their body is actually them? That's kind of how I feel right now, only with my brain. Something clicked for me, something changed and im not the same person. Or maybe I'm the person I used to be? I don't know. It's screwing up most of my relationships. Ok in more positive jargon: it's causing a shift in the way I react to people and situations and therefore creating some disequibrium. God, even writing this seems...grandized and self important.
I don't put up with as much (bullshit) as I used to. From anyone. I don't jump to blame myself for everyone else's problems, moods or issues. Nor do I consider it my job to fix their problems, issues or moods. I do not respond to triggers the same way, which I'm sure is coming as a surprise to many. I don't allow people to treat me with disrespect. I have a whole new definition of disrespect. I have raised my expectations.
A (former) friend of mine was at a breaking point, very stressed out and overwhelmed. She was encouraged to go see a therapist my her GP and was faced with a blunt ( but fairly accurate) assessment of her life/ relationships/shortcomings. This was traumatic for her ( or anyone I'd
imagine). Anyway she came to see me, worked up, emotional, distraught. We talked aBout her options and the recommendations/suggestions the therapist had made. And it was amazing here she was at a crossroads... Faced with a view of her life through fresh eyes, which path was she going to take? The same worn path that was comforting, consistent and predictable? Or try something different... Something that would lead somewhere new?
Did I do the 'right' thing? Did I support her in whatever decision she made? Did I bite my tongue and recognize it's her life and decision?
No.... I broke up with her. ( it wasn't just about this particular decision, btw)
I just couldn't understand how (how?!?) when she was always Functioning so close to the edge, so overwhelmed and stressed. How could she choose the path that led back to more of the same? How could she not choose change.
One of the reasons I reacted so strongly to her decision, was because I was working up to one of my own. Finding my self at a crossroad and faced with the same decision. Had I not watched her make her decision, and felt the quiet manic desperation of her choice, would I have made the same choice. Predictability? Safety? Would I have even seen it for a crossroad?
I'm grateful to her for a number of reasons, she was always better to me than I deserved. And he best friend I've ever had. But for the push to chAnge, the inspiration to take the road less traveled, for thAt I am most grateful.
Here is where I tell you I'm running away from home aNd abandoning my family to persue my oil painting passion. Nah, well ok I am going to Victoria in a week and Ontario in three, but I'm taking various family members with me and always plan on coming home. Sorry nothing that dramatic. I read a poem years ago, I can only remember one line 'when I am an old lady I will wear purple hats' that line has stuck with me. And while I'm not sure why I've waited this long, I'll be damned if I'm waiting another 30 years to wear purple hats.
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