Oh Hai-atus.

So, here is your recap of the last...year? Has it been that long?

Jasper won't sleep.
I'm so tired.
I'm even more tired than before.
Hunter started Kindergarten, OMG.
Sage is in Preschool, finally.
Sage is Highland dancing/ballet, with a great teacher, yay!
Hunter is in Hip-Hop with a teacher who lacks any ability to discipline six 5-7 year old boys, booo.
Tired.
Still not sleeping.
God damn why can't i eat food?

Yeah you can see why blogging wasn't happening. What with every single post devolving into 'me so sleepy!'

2011 is officially going to be known as the year I totally screwed with my diet put in the effort to discover what foods i can eat and why.

If you'll fondly remember  January? February? I was trying to stay on a brown rice diet (oh how i laugh now). Well that wasn't really working for me. Although it did clear up Jasper's eczema. So in the early spring i went to someone else who ran IGE allergy tests, and holy shit balls, I triggered many many foods all with  pretty major reactions. So then i tried a specific reduction diet (although really it was essentially the brown rice diet again). and...I couldn't make that stick either. Then, then! A friend told me about a master herbalist in the west end, who could not only straighten out my digestion but actually 'fix' my allergies. Well I was sold. SOLD! since the previous prognoses had been...yeah you will never eat eggs again!

And i went and he recommended The Yeast Buster Diet Kit, which should be said with pomp and circumstance, and a bit of superhero echo. I have never done a 'detox/cleanse'. But if you'll remember there was a dangling opportunity to be able to eat things like eggs, or dairy or say...wheat at the end of this endeavor so I dove in rather committed. While reading the booklet that comes with the kit, i was overwhelmed with the propaganda. Of course its not going to be anything less than a 'we so awesome, we fix you problem, yay yah!' And here is where I'm a little ashamed to admit, I totally bought the propaganda. My general skepticism abandoned me for the possibility of egg mcmuffins. Three prong system! Kill the yeast, scrub it from the intestinal walls, collect it neatly and remove it from your body! I was like the yeast buster (brainwashed, over enthusiastic) cheerleader.

And did i pay. Now it may be a great system, it may work very well for some people, it may even work well for most people. This Herbalist really believes in it. Suffice to say it did not work for me.

I don't suppose to say exactly what happened but within three days of beginning the program i was sick. My throat was actually bleeding (Honest! you can ask my GP!), and i was laid out on the couch hardly able to move. Even then I was still committed, Death to Yeast! Experiencing Die-off! It gets worse before it gets better! However as i still had to function somewhat and say...swallow (I hadn't eaten in two days), after determining (through the herbalist)  that this was infact NOT POSSIBLY related to the KIT I went to my GP and gratefully went through a round of antibiotics. That was the second week of November.

Because Lo...those McMuffins do motivate me, as soon as i could force fluids past my painful and irritated tonsils I restarted the program. This time with advice to start slow, 1/8 of a dose. So for three days i did that, then 1/4 dose and so on and so on. By the time I hit a full dose, my tonsils freaked out again and this time they were serious. In 48 hours i went from scratchy throat to breathing= fiery pain. ONce again the sight of my tonsils made a GP almost drop the light thing and start chanting: OMG, OMG, OMG. And here we are day 3? of a round of penicillin. Unbelievably the Herbalist still recommends I stay on the program. Since even touching the box the kit is in causes my stomach to turn over and my throat to clench, I've decided to look for salvation elsewhere.

There is an upside to this story.
I have stayed on the 'yeast buster' diet for almost five weeks now. This is by far the most restricted eating plan that I've run into this year and I am inordinately proud of myself for actually sticking to it. This way of eating: No bloat, no emotional mood swings, no stomach pain or cramps. Just smooth happy digestion. Of course this also means no: wheat, dairy, soy, eggs, red meat, pork, fermented products, artificial anything, potatoes, refined flours of any kind, fruit, mushrooms, sugar (of. any. kind. or. quantity.) I've been eating, Millet, Quinoa, Chicken, Fish, and lots and lots of veggies.

I have deviated slightly at times. Generally once a week I'll be overly tempted by something and indulge (one of the kids breaded chicken fingers, a shortbread cookie after four hours of baking). But each of those times I have had to pay dearly for the indulgence. Last night Tyler and I went out for and early anniversary dinner. I ate delicious Prime rib, grilled veggies,apple crisp, spinach salad (with goat cheese, cranberries, and candied walnuts ). Something in there has kept me in the bathroom most of the night, and had me doubled over with cramps. Still worth it, mostly. But I'm so happy i choose that meal instead of the super indulgent one (Bread to start, Baked goat cheese, steak and lobster with butter, chocolate cake for dessert).


The diet as it is now, is not sustainable. I like fruit (!), and things so I go to my naturopathic doctor on Tuesday to (gently!) work on expanding my food choices, and creating a plan to identify precisely whats bothering me and why and to fix at least some of the issues.
Of course from an energetic perspective this is all rather laughable. That I'm running around treating symptoms and not considering an energetic cause. Even the herbalist when confronted with all of the things I react to said " Maybe this has an energetic basis". Because How? and why would a body start rejecting so many different foods? So I have called into  action my most spectacular wholistic healing team. I have weekly acupuncture appts, I've been to a reiki session, and of course my lovely naturopath. In addition since it is my throat that is providing the brunt of the resistance (at least severity wise) and we all know throat chakra is about TALKING and saying what you need to say. I'm seeing my therapist again and look here! this blogging thing! Its like talking, or at least expressing myself, right?

There you go...a stomach full :)

Hopefully more to come:
(I have a list of topics sitting beside the computer)

The Sex Talk With Kids/ Tyler Loves Kamloops
Boobies...I seem to have misplaced mine.
Ghosts, yeah...
more on..adventures of Shannon's Digestion!

stay tuned...if you dare.
oh and Have a spectacular Sunday!

september: check.

Hunter started Kindergarten. He is magnificent. it was completely anticlimactic. I find myself wondering about all the free childcare sometimes. But otherwise it has been a smooth transition. We have learned to get up earlier and get on the road quicker. I already dislike packing lunches but enjoy not being harassed for food every 20 mins throughout the day.

Sage started preschool. Also anticlimactic. She adores it, although I don't think it is exactly what she pictured. Both kids assumed they would walk in with ready made comfortable friends. They have forgotten that at the beginning of preschool everyone was new. Sage also started a highland/ballet class on Mondays. She was again, disappointed that they were doing fundamentals as oppose to attempting the entire fling on the first day. She is with three other girls and her lack of competitiveness shines through as she spends most of the class entertaining her peers or playing with their ponytails. There are no dull moments with Sage.

Jasper is awesome. He doesn't sleep well, but neither did Hunter so...ok. It is completely worth the trad off as he continues to be this easy going ball of chubby pudge. Completely delicious. He now climbs, and is seconds away from walking. He will stand unassisted and seriously thought about taking that first step yesterday, then decided against it. I will miss him crawling, it looks exactly like a bulldogs walk...shoulders and hips moving in opposite planes. He says Dada (gah!), Nana, tata and ( finally) Mama! Yesterday he started pointing at things. I wish i could capture how mellow he is. Its beyond reason. I just feel lucky to have him, to be near him. He is a gift.

Hi!

Ahhhhhhhhh, we (Tyler) got the bulk of the fall/ regular house maintenance done, even the stuff we have been ignoring over the summer. And I've been able to catch up on some of my sleep. YAY!

Last night Tyler and I went on a date, the first since the spring! It was most excellent.

And it has been really wonderful having him home for this long. Two weeks!
The kids are flourishing with him here. For the first time I can remember Hunter is all about Dad. Can I go with Dad? Can Dad drive me? Can Dad take me chicken hunting? Can Dad take me to kindergarten? I knew they missed him but I'm glad now he can see how much.

It feels....indulgent. So much amazing family time. I'm really happy he was able to switch to a different schedule. This shift home has been huge, Sage to preschool, Hunter to kindergarten, Sage started dance. Up again and out the door at a certain time. The shift has been smooth because Tyler was here. We would have muddled though fine but with him here it was natural.

Ok...off to really enjoy the next four days, four more days!
S


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Again with the lack of sleep

Omg.
I'm so tired.
Jasper is gassy ( yeast? Gluten? Wheat?).
Jasper is teething.
Jasper is not sleeping.
Checking the archives to see when Hunter started sleeping through the night, was a bad idea. (18-22 months)
Tyler is home which is amazing and wonderful, except it also means I cannot let Jasper cry in his crib (also our bedroom).
I am at the point of over tired when I cannot get my brain to slow down when I do get a chance to sleep.
I'm not good when I'm this tired. Snappy, angry, irrational.
I cannot seem to emphasize to Tyler how tired I am. "nap? You don't need a nap."
Some small part of my brain knows this will pass: hunter sleeps through the night.
But the larger part is trapped in the fear that this is never going to end. I will never get out of this fatigue fog, and that is a really terrifying thought.
Jesus, I'm tired.
S




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPa

like a marshmallow that fell into the fire.

I'm a little burnt out.

It was a wonderful thing that tyler was able to come with us to Ontario early in the summer. But in 70 days since then, hes been home for 12 days 3 of which we left the house at 7pm to drive him back to the airport. 4 of the remaining days were at family gatherings.

I have no idea how single parents do this.

I consider myself a fairly tolerant person. I love my kids and have decent sized ability to play games/listen to made up stories/ pretty much parent responsibility. But the last three days? I'm beyond empty. I cannot get through one more Sage monologue, generally i find them charming. If Hunter looks at me and whines 'I dont' have anybody to play with me, why wont you play with me?' I may give in to the darker responses that have been surfacing as of late. They are not pretty. Jasper is like this cherubic ray of sunshine, honest to god.

Hell tonight i used the excuse of picking Tyler up from the airport at midnight to justify a 6:45pm bedtime for Hunter. Usually its closer to nine. Of course it didn't actually happened he stayed up crying until much later than 6:45, but at least the crying was in his room and i didn't have to bite my tongue or fake compassion.

And they know it. They know i'm frazzled. They are sick of dealing with me. so its an ugly downward spiral. Today was about...a toy. A Mack truck Hunter wanted. Usually it would have been a short conversation but i didn't take the high road, i engaged and hell it exploded all over the place. In addition to that fun Jasper is...teething? Growing? I dont' know he wants to be held, all the time.  So Mommy's already overwrought patience is that much thinner. Sage is heartbreakingly compensating by insisting she is a baby. (I get it, baby getting more attention, delayed new sibling reaction, roll with it and it will dissapate on its own.)

 Usually i would deal with this is a compassionate mature manner, understanding the needs im not filling for her and blah. blah, blah. But at this specific moment in my parenting journey, it is met with apathy and irritation. Which is why she is right now sleeping in a playpen in her room, and eating some meals in the high chair. I drew the line, loudly and with a harsh tone about the diapers. Thinking i had at least stood my ground on that one, i was blindsided tongiht.   I was giving  Jasper a bath and Sage came in to use the toilet forgetting she had SECRETLY put a diaper on (and not one of her left over princess pullups, this was a full on huggies size 5) busted.

I just stared at her dumbfounded. I tried to pull the horrified, pissed off panicked look off my face but it was hopeless. I at least managed to consider if it was worth freaking out about before responding.

Shannons initial (internal!) response:
 What do you think you are doing? this baby stuff has gone far enough. NO more diapers, no more playpen, no more high chair. GROW UP. you were in such a rush to do it in the first place, ripping your diaper off the minute you were in bed. WTF? You are not going to Preschool in a diaper, do you want me to cancel preschool? AND DANCE? it went on .

fortunately it was in my head. Although now i think she was likely looking for boundaries and maybe walking a line between the initial inner dialogue and complete apathy would have been a better way to go. Sigh. Oh and because I couldn't sleep unless I added this: I never talk to my children like that. Really. I am a little horrified that it ran through my head. It drove home how very much i need a break.

Really about Jasper.....sunshine, rainbows, and giggles. If there is such a thing as a zen baby, I have him, and im never letting him go.

With great relief, in an hour i will wake the kids up, strap them into the van and go pick up Tyler. I may pass out at that point and remain unconscious for the next 14 days. Kidney stones, you never get them when you want two days on morphine in a bed. (JOKING!)

To end this buoyant bubbly post on a high note. Jasper is sleeping much better, everyone is sleeping pretty ok. I only get up twice most nights. So that has been a wonderful development. Jasper thinks Hunter is the funniest person on the planet, his belly laughs fill the house. Sage and Hunter are both excited to start school. They start on Friday. Sage with her regularly scheduled two hours every friday and Hunter with an afternoon of staggered entry, only five other kids will be there. The next week Hunter is in full days 2 days a week, and a third every second week. Sage also has Dance starting Monday. I found a highland/ballet for 3 year olds. Maybe almost makes up for my behaviour as of late. Im also suppose to be registering Hunter in a sport but my schedule is already freaking me out, so I'm dragging my feet. Plus i think he is going to be so, overwhelmed immersed in school that it would be ok to wait until he has adjusted to the kindergarten schedule before throwing another new! fun! thing at him. He stopped napping every afternoon in the last four weeks. Better pack a damn good lunch for him.

YES! Tyler just called and hopped onto an earlier flight. YAY! goodbye.

S

Down the Rabbit Hole...

Lately I have been pushing Tyler to share things about himself with other people. Things that he didn't initially feel comfortable sharing for fear of how people would view him. I may not have been super compassionate, believing completely that sharing would strengthen his support network and level of self acceptance. I believed that the reaction would not be negative and would allow him to feel more comfortable around the people who were close to him, and in his own skin. Owning all of his personality not just parts.

Imagine my surprise when he turned the tables and accused me of doing the exact same thing! But people will think i'm crazy! Nobody will understand! People won't like me! They won't believe me! There i was, parroting all of his arguments.

Now clearly the Internet is a different venue than family or close friends. A vastly different venue. However as an odd quirk of my nature I am more comfortable on here than in direct face to face communication, with most people. If you think I'm crazy because of something you read here you can 1) Stop reading and having any contact with me or 2) Pretend you didn't read it. Nice and easy. No controlling your shocked expression, I can't even tell if you stand up and run away from you computer screaming. So....here it goes.

I'm psychic, or a witch, or empathic or something.

I can channel spirits (though i try not to until i get some actual training), I can usually tell what you are feeling. Not YOU. But if we are in the same room, or i'm talking to you, I can generally get a feel for your mindset. For example...if you are lying or hiding something...i generally don't know what it is, but you can be pretty sure i know there is something you are not sharing. I pick up pretty easily on peoples energies, (which gives me a good guide into their mindset/emotional state). Unfortunately im' still learning to let go of other peoples moods, if Tyler is anxious or worked up...it takes a huge effort on my part to not get sucked into that. I can pick up on past lives, and sometimes project goals and big picture ideas for this life. Umm...yeah there is probably more but i can't think of it right now.

Which brings me to my actual point. All the other stuff...its not 'normal' normal, but if you hang out with psychicesque people, its not completely abnormal. Hell there are tv shows about mediums, and psychic hot lines and shit, so while some people call bullshit, there is a pretty large contingent who accept these abilities.

Now...here is where the psychics start thinking i've gone off the deep end....

I knew Jasper energetically before he was born, before I was even pregnant with him. He showed up mid december, and sort of hung out. But not in a freaky, door slamming lights turning on, upsetting way. I thought i was losing my mind because i was having all these pregnancy symptoms, sometimes not even early pregnancy symptoms. Tyler and I were on the fence about a third child, so i was...ahem, not trying to get pregnant. I would wake in the middle of the night rubbing my 8 month pregnant stomach, only to realize not only was there no 8 month stomach, I wasn't pregnant. I took countless pregnancy tests, trying to find a reason i was so convinced i was pregnant. Trying to find a rational reason I was so convinced i was pregnant. By the end of January (and after a conclusively negative blood test) I was at my wits end and convinced i was losing my mind. I felt pregnant in a way i hadn't with the other two...but biologically, scientifically I was definitely not pregnant.

There were markers of me being an empath in my teenager years, but i didn't recognize them. I had no idea or desire to be psychic, or channel or any of it. Infact while i was recovering from the ppd I went to a meditation studio to find a way to calm my mind. I went to find peace and calm. I'm grateful for the man and woman who ran that studio because they helped me (are still helping) me understand and adjust to being this me. Everything 'opened up' (as they say) after Sages birth, after the ppd. Despite many unexpected experiences, and 'crazy' things happening in that time nothing made me think i was out of my mind. Whether it was the ability to deny it all, or the ease with which i could walk away from it. I felt ok because it was just this thing that i did sometimes and well maybe it wasn't really happening anyway. The experience with Jasper was completely different, it wasn't a vision or a dream (though both of those things happened as well) it was physical sensations, a baby shifting in utero, a tendency to unconsciously hold my abdomen. My body was getting on this train that my mind had been on for awhile. And while i could deny dreams or visions or mental experiences, the physical sensations, the pure conviction of what was happening was undeniable.

So i asked questions. I asked the man and woman who ran the studio, they guessed but nothing resonated, nothing they said felt right to me. Its funny once I started down this road i found myself surrounded by people who were open and supportive, most even had similar gifts. So I asked my acupuncturist. Who before i said anything looked at me (In early January) and said 'are you pregnant?' I broke down into tears because i was so relieved i wasn't the only one who got it. She gave me (what is now) and uncanny description of Jasper's personality. I asked my naturopath, who visibly shivered then parroted the description I felt and the acupuncturist had supplied; easy going, happy, a zen baby, he's just hanging out, cant wait to be part of the family.

Of course nothing is 100%, there was a consensus that i wouldn't be physically pregnant until May, in reality the blood test i took at the end of January (another not pregnant!) was the last negative one i took. I was pregnant by the middle of February. Oddly enough I had completely accepted the May guideline. I was as shocked as anybody when in mid march (and at Canyon Ranch with my mother sister and aunt) I started having pregnancy symptoms (emotional! curly hair! barfing on plane!). I was so unconvinced i waited a few days after getting home to even do a test. It was March, not May. So just remember nothing is 100% especially when time lines are involved.

I wish i could convey what it felt like to know Jasper before knowing him. His energy was the same, as a visitor, in utero and now. It wasn't that i 'got to know him' as an energy/spirit, but i recognized him. I recognized him immediately as someone i adored. You know that feeling when you see someone and you feel like you know them, you feel a connection? Even though in this lifetime you haven't known them....it was sort of like that but really intense. I loved him like i love Hunter and Sage, instantly and completely.

So there you go...I'm out. Please no broomsticks for christmas presents this year.

a beautiful moment and an amendment.

I want to clarify something from the previous post, i didn't give any background to the 'switching to formula' comment and i realized after i posted that without the background there are many ways it could be taken. My sister, along with the medical community, recommend infants have breast milk or formula until 9-12 months. I have been talking about weaning jasper for awhile, especially since any trace amount of egg in the breastmilk causes his eczema to flair up, and i'm a) still learning and b) sometimes slip up and eat egg. So the discussion has been what to switch him to. So it wasn't that she was arguing that i should switch from breast milk to formula, but rather that after weaning him switching to formula was her suggestion  (again, one supported by the entire medical community).
fin.

And i had an amazing moment today.

I spend alot of parenting energy talking to the kids about their emotions and helping them name them and recognize them and express them in a productive way. I was going to move onto recognizing/receiving and blocking other peoples emotions when we had gained some ground on the first part. Tall order for a 5 and 3 year old, right?

I am empathic and in varying degrees both of the older kids inherited that. Hunter got a big, big slice. I once saw him start crying in response to someone who was in that split second silent moment before the ugly cry. Before she changed her body language or made a sound, Hunter was up crying and running to his room. It took a lot of calming and talking before he could relax.

So we talk about 'letting out' the feelings, about good way and bad ways and i always emphasis any way to let go of the emotions, to express them is better than not, while recognizing that there is a range of ways to do it, and some ways effect other people negatively.

Off my rocker right?

Today i walking into the living room, Sage was crying and Hunter was upset. Then they both calmed down and Hunter said "Sage was letting her sad out by crying at me, and i used my shield to block the sad so i didn't get upset."

OK. First i had not talked to either of them about blocking other peoples energy much less using a shield, the perfect example for Hunter. Second Sage was only crying while releasing the emotion. She was using the technique to feel better.

I have never been so proud of them. Not just because understanding their emotions is a priority for me as a parent, but because they showed such, maturity, a willingness to try new things, and Hunters insight and positive coping strategy for something that is likely to effect him for the rest of his life....it just blew me away. A purely awesome parenting moment.

dear internet.

Like diary but so much more public.

This is likely to be a bit ranty, sorry for being absent then returning with a rant.

I'm getting sick of pretending to agree with people. 

like when someone says:

Its a bad time to get a dog.

or

You definitely shouldn't have any more kids

or anything that starts with or includes the phrase "you couldn't handle"

I feel badly for my support people who hear the brunt of the 'I'm tired/exhausted/overwhelmed'. They must think,  shit I don't know what they must think. Tyler also hears those things but he seems to have the confidence (?), the awareness (?)  that yes I feel in that moment tired/exhausted/overwhelmed but the moment will pass and in telling people, in sharing that moment I dissipate it, move through it.

I spent the last two weeks? thinking i was pregnant. or at least that there was a high likelihood that I was pregnant. And you know what? Other than one panic filled moment, I was ok. It was ok. Wasn't planned, but ok none the less, it even boarded on good and exciting. So in short: I do not abhor the idea of having another baby. I don't know if I will have another child, maybe/maybe not, but the idea isn't ....distasteful or fearful. 

The worst part of this is that I feel there is an expectation that i will be done already, and part of me wants to bow to that. I wanted so badly to bow to that I gave away my maternity clothes (meh that went ok), I tried to give away the baby girl clothes (not good, got them back). I even packed up all my nursing tank tops (panic, tears, put them back), and tried to wean jasper. I choose to do these things because I wanted to fit the expectation. I have refused to say "yes, yes I promise no more babies*" because that's not how I feel. But that seems to be the bravest I can be, to not say something, or not go through with an action. Why can't I just speak my truth, which is: I don't know, Maybe.

(*ok...once i said those words)

Intellectually I understand the argument. How much can I take on? am I reaching a limit? am I beyond a limit? am I willing to risk mothering another child at/on/ or beyond that limit? Really it comes down to what I can handle, or at least what I believe I can handle.

oh! but they are just looking out for me. They just want me to be OK. because I had all these moments, these moments where I was stressed, overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, angry, exhausted, moments that stretched into hours and sometimes (but only rarely) days. Look at all these moments! How could you think you could do any more, when you are barely hanging on as it is. 

But I don't think I am barely hanging on, in the grand picture. I think im doing ok, great even. And not just "I'm doing ok with all these conditions"(three kids so close together and a husband who works out of town). Like, I'm doing a really good job parenting these kids, period.

Really though, this isn't about more babies, or a dog or how others view my ability to handle things.

Its about why I need to seek others approval, to get reinforcement, to be heard through those tough times.

Why is my sister's conviction that I should be giving Jasper formula something I cannot put down. Its like this ankle weight that I carry constantly. Feeling the need to justify my decisions. I know what I am doing is right for him and me. I know I am making the right decision with the information I have right now. But despite that, I still have this voice, the power of her conviction, and it nags at me. Makes me question myself. Why do I let it? I wish i had her confidence, instead it leaves me rattled and unsure seeking external reinforcement for my opinions and lots of it. Why?

And again the bravest I can be when faced with that conviction is to say nothing, to acknowledge the information. Why can't I say. "No, formula is wrong for him, I can't give you a solid case because I feel this, its in my bones, I just know." Yeah I can try to explain but at the bottom of my argument is always, because i feel this way is right, because this resonates with me. Which isn't backed up by a study or research, and quite frankly it doesn't make sense to alot of people. But its the way I parent, and so far seems to be working for me.   

I don't like the part of me that stays silent. That doesn't speak up or defend or assert or protect. The part that slinks away leaving the impression of compliance, and a bad taste in my mouth. Knowing i've intentionally left the wrong impression

And yet here I am boldly typing away on the Internet. Maybe this counts as a baby step, maybe its just another way to remain silent. Either way it helps me. Helps me to flush out ideas, to think them through from a different perspective.

Thanks for listening internet,
Me.

While I wait...

It's 2:33am. I'm waiting for Jasper to go back to sleep, he was up for a bottle (!) and is now lulling himself to sleep with a combo...'ahhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh (cough, cough)'.

I am one feeding away from him being completely weaned. On one hand i am looking forward to eating mayo/ dairy without guilt (knowing I'm the only one effected by it). On he other hand I gathered all my nursing tanks, my staple wardrobe item for the last 8 months, and starred choking up a little while moving them out of my closet. I suppose I should just do it, I'm not sure I can sustain enough milk to do only one feeding a day. I just have to stop getting stuck in the 'ok Shannon, this is the last feeding ever, you can do it, stop bawling, of course he isn't a tiny baby any more...go get the bottle, good. Ok now give him the bottle, damn it, stop nursing,'.

I can see how gracefully acknowledging Jasper growing up (letting go) is going to be difficult for me. Kindergarten 2015 I'm looking at you.

Ahhhhhhhhh silence from the crib, good (rest of the night)

Breast: not always best.

Ha! Did you ever think you'd read that on my blog?

In the last 5 years I have spend a total of 22 months nursing, not that im keeping track. For the most part (first week(s) aside) it has been an awesome experience. I spent a lot of time during the first pregnancy focusing on labour and delivery. Other than the schtick present by the midwives I didnt think about nursing until the midwife suggested I try feeding my super brand new baby. ( riiiight, breastfeeding.)

I was lucky. I had a fantastic health nurse and a really easy time nursing, babe knew what he was doing. That was three babies ago and I haven't looked back. I don't get particularity flared up over anyone else's choices as far as breast or bottle go, had my first week been different i would have happily gone the bottle route. With that said I do get upset when a mom wants to nurse but is pressured/ unsupported/ given false information and other wise chooses to bottle feed not because she wants to or has to but because she lacks support and corrected information.

Anyway the moral here is that I have an answer to Jaspers ezecma. It was my breast milk. Or more accurately the antibodies in the breast milk designed to fight off the evil known as Eggs, and Dairy.

I had my blood work tested, and discovered I have a raging IGG allergy to eggs and dairy and Lima Beans (?).

Apparently (and correct me if I'm wrong here) IGG antibodies cross the placneta so if I ate any eggs while pregnant (ha, ha, ha) (2-3 a day, everyday) some of those antibodies were being stored in the baby I was growing. Good work Mom! Typically it takes 6ish months for the poor innocent newborn to process the Antibodies out of their system, unless you are nursing. In which case I just kept giving him more of the bad bad antibodies.

The best news is that when I stopped eating dairy and eggs...Jaspers face completely cleared up (once we were beyond the 6 month mark). Yay! So. I have an answer which is what i so desperately wanted. We are suppose to keep him away from all eggs and dairy for the next six months to allow his body to completely forget about reacting to those things, then reintroduce them.

and for the doubters...the last three outbreaks, can be directly linked to me eating eggs.

Asleep at the wheel

Jasper is cutting a new tooth and is not napping well as a result. After eating a generous bowl of peas and applesauce I left him and sage sharing cheerios while I flipped the laundry. This is what I came up to find.

Milestones

Jasper waved last night , and can now confidently go from his belly into a sitting position. So adorable, he backs up until he essentially climbs over his own leg. Aww.

sun curse

Day three? Four? Of fantastic family adventure. We are at Moose Lake Lodge, and it is exquisite, all of the best northern Ontario views right out our cabin window. We are Directly on the lake. I am in our cabin, hiding from the sun. Since our honeymoon, (seven years ago) I have been getting a itchy rash on my arms when I'm in the sun. At first it was just on the backs of my hands and my forearms just when I spent a few days in the direct sun. and most often when I was somewhere closer to the equator than I live. ( haha that's most everywhere, isn't it?)

Anyway it has been getting worse and now it seems any amount of sun exposure longer than 10 minutes causes a burn, which if scratched becomes the rash. Before we left I bought an ergo carrier, which Jasper and I both adore. I must have gotten some sun on my shoulders, because directly under where the straps sit is now a raised bumpy, incredibly itchy rash. Fun!

We arrived on Monday and went straight to my grandparents house. After a quick snack we headed out to the Welland Canal to see a ship go through a lock. Something I did frequently when visiting as a kid. The next day was Marineland, which marked the first time we had taken the kids to a theme park of any kind. On the way in Sage announced that Orcas were nearly as big as dad! We effectively corrected that misperception. I was amazed how close we were able to get to the beluga whales. It was cold until lunch, the kids begging for hot chocolate. But warmed up soon after. We watched the Orca show, and the main show (dolphins, and sea lions). The kids rode every ride they were tall enough for. Tyler accompanying them on almost all.

We pet deer, saw bears and elk and hit the souvenir store on the way out, six hours later. On the way back to my Grandparents we drove by the falls so Tyler could see them. The next morning we got up and went back to the falls to walk along the edge and take the obligatory pictures. Back to my grandparents for lunch and out to Lake Erie for a nostalgic visit to our former cottage.

When we pulled down the lane to the lake, I jumped out of the van, leaving husband and children to run to the break wall for the first look of the lake.
There are a lot of things I like about Alberta, but there isnt a lake that can compare to one of the great lakes. We stayed for the afternoon, even scoring a tour through our old cottage. ( it's for sale and a neighbor has a key). The kids had to be dragged out of the lake, and both Tyler and I went swimming as well. I even dunked Jaspers legs, so he got the full Ontario experience. We stopped at DJ's roadhouse for dinner, another nod to nostalgia.

Thursday morning we had breakfast with my grandparents, packed up and hit the road, stopping in oakville for a quick visit with Tyler's cousin. Then it was north to Moose Lake and here we are. Hunter and Sage are in heaven, room to run, water nearby, and both parents with them. Jasper is grateful i am letting him nap in the play pen after the last three days of running around.

We had dinner with my aunt, uncle, cousin and cousin( inlaw?) last night and are expecting a different uncle and his family any minute. Although the pace has slowed down somewhat the kids and Tyler have already been on a hike, and rowed the boat around the island in the middle of the lake. these few stolen moments brought to you by a sleeping Sage and Jasper.

















- Posted using BlogPress from my iP

And the universe laughed

Right along with my mom.

This morning as I dropped Hunter off at preschool my daughter invited herself on a playdate and took off. The other mom did ask me before driving Sage away, and took my number. But my daughter, not a backward glance, not a second thought. Climbed into their suv and strapped herself in. Let's go!

I love that she is so confidant and bold. But i would be lying if i said my heart didnt clench as she marched away without a backwards glance.

So I did what I normally do when my children surprise me, called my mom. Who gently, and with great kindness, reminded me that at the tender age of 4 I accompanied my 16 year old uncles on a cross country flight without a backward glance. Walked through security and on to face the world, holding my uncles hands. Although that may have been to comfort them, as I had more flight experience than they did at the time.

Mom suggested I accept that I will be sitting in the parking lot of the registries place, waiting for it to open, the morning Sage is old enough for her learners permit.

In short Sage will not walk, not run, but throw herself into every new level of independence with (avengence) the same determination and commitment level I did.

Right now I remember that feeling. The thrill of independence, the chafing if limitation ( read: rules to keep me safe). I hope I can hold into that feeling long enough to get us through her teens.

I guess my consolation is that while my daughter may leave me far to quickly, hunter announced this morning that I was to drive him and his new bride around while they sit in the back if the van beside each other. I think he has asked her to move in as well.

Maybe I shouldn't be upset about a little independence.

Yet more lies...

Lies I tell you, there is an app for everything! Downloaded and testing.

Blogging right, I liked that, didn't I?

Ok, hi. Forgive the formatting and weird capital letter placement and odd word usage Autocorrect is screwing with me and despite all the hype....there is not an app for this. Blogging: not easier with an IPhone. And I lie in the last paragraph... The poem was ' I shall wear red, with a purple hat...' google makes up for the things lost in my brain.

I have a five year old, three year old and six month old.

It just had to be said.

Have you ever watched one of the weight loss shows? When the person has lost so much weight, but cannot reconcile themselves to their 'new' body. They struggle to accept that their body is actually them? That's kind of how I feel right now, only with my brain. Something clicked for me, something changed and im not the same person. Or maybe I'm the person I used to be? I don't know. It's screwing up most of my relationships. Ok in more positive jargon: it's causing a shift in the way I react to people and situations and therefore creating some disequibrium. God, even writing this seems...grandized and self important.

I don't put up with as much (bullshit) as I used to. From anyone. I don't jump to blame myself for everyone else's problems, moods or issues. Nor do I consider it my job to fix their problems, issues or moods. I do not respond to triggers the same way, which I'm sure is coming as a surprise to many. I don't allow people to treat me with disrespect. I have a whole new definition of disrespect. I have raised my expectations.

A (former) friend of mine was at a breaking point, very stressed out and overwhelmed. She was encouraged to go see a therapist my her GP and was faced with a blunt ( but fairly accurate) assessment of her life/ relationships/shortcomings. This was traumatic for her ( or anyone I'd
imagine). Anyway she came to see me, worked up, emotional, distraught. We talked aBout her options and the recommendations/suggestions the therapist had made. And it was amazing here she was at a crossroads... Faced with a view of her life through fresh eyes, which path was she going to take? The same worn path that was comforting, consistent and predictable? Or try something different... Something that would lead somewhere new?

Did I do the 'right' thing? Did I support her in whatever decision she made? Did I bite my tongue and recognize it's her life and decision?

No.... I broke up with her. ( it wasn't just about this particular decision, btw)





I just couldn't understand how (how?!?) when she was always Functioning so close to the edge, so overwhelmed and stressed. How could she choose the path that led back to more of the same? How could she not choose change.

One of the reasons I reacted so strongly to her decision, was because I was working up to one of my own. Finding my self at a crossroad and faced with the same decision. Had I not watched her make her decision, and felt the quiet manic desperation of her choice, would I have made the same choice. Predictability? Safety? Would I have even seen it for a crossroad?

I'm grateful to her for a number of reasons, she was always better to me than I deserved. And he best friend I've ever had. But for the push to chAnge, the inspiration to take the road less traveled, for thAt I am most grateful.



Here is where I tell you I'm running away from home aNd abandoning my family to persue my oil painting passion. Nah, well ok I am going to Victoria in a week and Ontario in three, but I'm taking various family members with me and always plan on coming home. Sorry nothing that dramatic. I read a poem years ago, I can only remember one line 'when I am an old lady I will wear purple hats' that line has stuck with me. And while I'm not sure why I've waited this long, I'll be damned if I'm waiting another 30 years to wear purple hats.

about a jacket...

So i turned 30 in march. And it was far less climactic than society would suggest it should be. Tyler and I have considerate and personable tradition of asking, repeatedly for the few weeks leading up to our birthdays: 'wadda ya want?'. Occasionally accompanied by a desperate but dead inside look.

I generally choose something that will make my life easier in the house (read: garberator) or child free time (to make things easier in my head).

This year! Lo this year I was turning 30 and I had an idea! I wanted a spring/fall leather coat. The last leather coat I owned was a blazer which I had in high school, and wore out...literally the lining was ripped to shreds and when I put my arm into it...I would have to be careful to go down the sleeve not into the back.

I'm sort of a wanna be hippy. I aspire to be a hippy. or the modern cross between a yuppie and a hippy. I don't know. The point is that somewhere along the road of organic food, midwives, attachment parenting and alternative medicine following...I decided i was in all the way. Which according to some weird stereotype i've created meant I should be wearing organic bamboo yoga hoodies. Or something like that. And admittedly I do have one of those. But the PETA point is that i was having some trouble reconciling my drive to be a yuppie/hippy, with the whole slaughter of innocent animals to create unbelievably soft, awesomely bad ass leather coats.

Apparently being 30 has allowed me to overcome this conflict.

I have a new coat and I'm so in love with it, words can't describe.

I'm sure i have written before about my lack of shopping...enthusiasm. My overwhelming confusing about loving shoes/purses/whatever. All of that stops when it comes to coats. Lovely beautiful coats. And now i have a new badass coat, and it makes me want to do other things...like...get a haircut. And gasp...make an effort with my hair. Like, with product! Also I was out yesterday and found a necklace which i would have admired before but seeing it while wearing my new coat ...it was perfect...IT TOTALLY WENT WITH MY COAT.

Before we all call Tyler to alert him to my new spending habits...

The coat is just a thing that's helping me bridge a tremulous feeling time in my life. When i had Hunter I went from being socially active, university student/newlywed, soon-to-be teacher, blah blah blah. To Hunters mom. And I did it with avengence. Which set me up beautifully for the PPD that followed Sage's birth just short of two years later. Part of moving through the ppd for me was finding out who i was. What the hell kind of music i liked, clothes I liked, what made me ME instead of seeing me as completely encapsulated as HuntersMom.

Enough of the back story. So here we are, my self image still primarily encapsulated in MotherOfBabies, although one of them seems to be rapidly approaching 5 years old...??
Yes, yes all of the things I had 'discovered' about myself are still there and I have interests and depth beyond the whole mother of babies thing. However I am realizing this Mother of Babies gig ends, and you become....Mother of school aged kids. A shift i may not be completely prepared or comfortable with, given my tendencies to control and be needed. See Mother of Babies may not be my entire self image, but its a damn big chunk of it, and there is only one way to prolong this gig...and quite frankly I'm pretty spread out with three, I don't want to turn into a Duggar just to avoid moving onto a different phase of life. I will however continue to write logic defyingly long sentences. Sorry about that. Another reason I'm clinging to this time...I'm pretty good at it. No really. I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on the 0-4 crowd. Confidant even.

So in summary, I am afraid of change, at least in this case. So having a most excellent (non maternity!) coat that i can picture myself wearing while doing things with my children who are no longer babies, is helpful. I still sobbed a bit while removing the tiny baby sleepers from Jasper's drawers. sniff, sniff my baybee....

Here is where you tell me that the next stage is AWESOME and so much FUN and totally lacking in diaper changes or teething.

return

return from Hawaii.
return to the blog.
return to talking about something other than food.
hmm what else did i talk about?...kids!

Hunter:
Hunter adored Hawaii. He was at the beach ever possible moment and if not he was in the pool. He went on a 2mile beach walk with my mom, a feat neither Tyler or I managed. He loved every single thing about Hawaii. He had his preschool round of shots yesterday, which he did not love. He is however officially big enough to be in a booster instead of the full on 5 point harness car seat, which is good because its a struggle to get him all strapped in with winter gear on.


Sage:
Had a birthday party in Hawaii, during which she received an incredible necklace and an entire summer wardrobe. Sage was diligent in wearing every piece of new clothing over the rest of the holiday. Sage was adamant that she did not want to go into the water (pool or ocean) until day three when Tyler talked her into the pool, after that she could not be talked out of the pool despite blue lips and chattering teeth. She did hold ground at the beach and not one tiny toe touched the ocean.
Sage did not shed one tear during her (belated) 18 month shots yesterday, and only complained once this morning about her shoulders hurting.

Jasper:
Loved being (almost) naked in Hawaii. His rash improved significantly...though it reemerged two days before we came home. Jasper took to the time change (three hours behind us) well and went to bed at 8-9pm most nights. He also slept through the night for the first time, cut his first tooth and rolled over (another first) on the beach. The last surly to outdo his siblings who rolled over for the first time at their aunt and uncles and my parents house. The rolling is a relief as it means i can put him to sleep on his stomach (which he adores) guilt free. My mom announced it was definitely time for us to go home, otherwise he may think he needed to start walking in Hawaii as well.

The most stressful part of the trip was leaving. After returning the rental car we heard about the earthquake, and tsunami that hit Japan. Then while we were in the waiting area every 30 mins a very official sounding message was broadcast : "The state of Hawaii is under a Tsunami Watch, the first wave is expected to hit at 3am. All staff are require to move to the second floor at that time." We didn't know how big the earthquake was, or the Japanese tsunami much less the one scheduled to arrive at 3am. Our flight was suppose to leave at 11:30pm...but there was 90 minutes of debate as to whether it was safer to leave or stay. Not my calmest 90 mins.

The only reference i had to a tsunami was the media exposure from the huge one in Indonesia a few years ago. That coupled with the late hour, presence of my three small children and the flipping announcement on repeat had me fairly...upset. Tyler's insistence to 'calm down' didn't help much. I did mange to calm down, but only after talking to a number of very calm and kind women who were extremely reassuring.

I will admit to walking around the waiting room with Jasper making eye contact with as many people as i could. see? See! I have a baby, and this baby (and my other two) are getting on that plane no matter what. Leave me if you have to...but they get off this island NOW. somebody save my babies!. Despite my smile, I must have had a tinge of panic in my eye because a few kind lovely woman came over to chat about the baby and mentioned that it was going to be fine, and this happens frequently, its no big deal. Which coupled with the completely unflustered appearance of the airport staff did go a long way to calming me down, well... at least I stopped pacing.

Of course us getting out of the way of the water was only part of the equation...my parents were still there and since the airport was allegedly 'out of the hit zone' my parents on the other side of the island were surly directly in the path. (pats overactive imagination on head). No information on the plane the Bell TV on WestJet only works if you are over the land not the ocean. We had a lot of ocean to cross. Then we had to run through the airport to make our connection, which left us no time to a)tell people we left or b)find out how bad Hawaii was hit. Then we were stuck sitting on the plane waiting for the lazy people off our flight who didn't run through the airport...45 mins of watching three different people use their IPhones (and one ipad) to communicate with the world outside of the plane convinced me maybe tyelr was right and we should get a smart phone.

which ....I have an iphone thus the twitter and its camomilethought not because I'm clever (and long winded) and 140 characters is only enough for one thought...but because I was only allowed 14 characters in my username.

Sunday Update.

Well...that didn't work.
I wanted to not get pulled off course/out of routine when Tyler was here. How can you not be moved by a hurricane? Its not bad, just very different.

Speaking of different.

Food...glorious food. Except when it isn't. I knew not to binge eat (eggs! cheese! sugar! wheat!) after the diet. I knew it was a bad idea. I likely even knew it as I took each bite of contraband food. And I paid dearly for each of those bites. From what I can gather...wheat makes me very very tired, and if I don't' sleep I get very very angry. Irrational angry. Angry at everyone. Ugly angry.

Eggs make me bloat and stink and have a ache in my stomach. I had two before dinner tonight and 1?2? hours later I had to go change out of my jeans; they were cutting into my waist.

Those are the only two I can really connect the food to a reaction, everything else turned into a blur of discomfort, mood swings and cravings.

I wasn't prepared for how much food effects my mood. The day I was very mad, Tyler asked demanded to know what was wrong. What had set me off? What was going on?What happened? I was so angry i was shaking. I could feel myself emotionally distancing myself from everyone. I don't know! The kids are so demanding, they are always whining for something. They are always touching me! Why can't I get some space around here. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! Problem was I did know and I had caused it. Fortunately my sister in law had gone through a similar food situation and she remembered how much her emotions were altered when she binged. I thought i was going crazy. If there had even been the slightest trigger, I would have heaped the blame on that...but there wasn't. The kids were no more or less whiny or touchy than they always are. My circumstances hadn't changed in the slightest. The fuel my body was trying to run on had changed, and with it everything else.

So I restarted, again. I need to eat more often. When Tyler is home I am more likely to forget to eat, or put it off. Its not good for me or the people around me. I need to eat more protein. I tried leaving eggs in the diet, but now realize they are a big part of the problem. So gluten, eggs...that should be it, right?

Much to my relief, I had two nurses suggest (unprompted!) that Jasper could be food sensitive. One even suggested going to a pediatric allergist. It gets frustrating to have so few people in the medical community believe (or even imagine) that what I'm eating may be triggering a reaction in him. Despite also having a number of suggestions to wean him...because my breast milk is cleary the problem*. I don't' feel that's the best course of action right now.

*I know that's not what they mean. But sometimes that's what it feels like.

ok...sleep.
s

Morning After...

Ugh...

So I'm pretty tight with the food reins around here. Treats are for the afternoon and sugar is very limited. Yesterday was Valentines day and while i was trying to throw myself under the bus with my food choices, I let the kids eat whatever they wanted, thinking well...I don't know what i was thinking. Something along the lines of...eat your fill then I'm throwing it out. They handled it really well yesterday. Today? Hello fallout. Hello grouchy, cranky kids. Plus I'm not 100%... what with my excellent ingesting yesterday. I've never had one but wheat grass smoothies all around would be a great way to start the day. We'll settle for fruit smoothies I guess.

Tyler in an act of sheer brilliance...escaped to the office for the morning. If you are reading this honey....I'd stay until after nap time.

AND to balance all this self inflicted/self indulgent/ self created complaining....

Jasper rules! He's Buddha...smiles and chubby and wonderful. Such a delightful counter point.